OK, so this feature is supposed to be about cosmetic promotion e-mails and light & fluffy blah blah, but for real? I’m gonna have to hijack this post and turn it into the last season of Growing Pains for a minute. Playing the part of Prescriptves, ladies and gentlemen, Tracey Gold:

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  “Carol! Carol, can you come here for a moment? (*taps foot in such a way as only a Seaver mom can*) What is the meaning of this (* retrieves clipping from back pocket of momjeans, proceeds to dangle it impatiently in daughter’s face*)”

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(cut to Carol Seaver:)

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“That’s not mine, mom! I’ve never seen it! I dunno what you’re talking about!”

 “Don’t play dumb with me, young lady! You don’t think I know what this means?! You’re giving your products cheeky and slightly provocative names, I know exactly what this means. You’ve been hanging out with that no-good harlot BeneFit again! I’ve told you time & again, she is a BAD influence on you. She encourages you to dabble in hokeyness and cheesy gimmicks and frankly, as a mother, I’m concerned. Pandering to the lowes common denominator is not something I’ve raised my daughter to do! You make great foundations, you appeal to a variety of skin tones and textures! You’re a good kid.  I don’t want you to feel like you have to coat all of your products in Pepto pink packaging and succumb to bad, retro cliches just to fit in! I know, at your age, it’s hard to avoid kitsch pressure, but you’ll be a lot better off if you do. I mean, do you want to end up looking like this in a few years:”

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(cut to Carol)

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“(*sniffles*) You’re right, I’m sorry mom! I never meant to hurt you. I was just experimenting, trying to boost my sales. In my heart, I think I know that this approach won’t work, this night cream won’t sell, and somebody from the marketing team is gonna have to be fired, and it’s all my fault! From now on, I’m just gonna stick to what I do best, and I’m also gonna cut my prices and do a lot more with my e-mail circulars than just offering that paltry free shipping. Anyone can do free shipping. That sad tranny MAC only ever does free shipping, and I’m better than that! Thanks Mom, I love you. Now let’s go make some oatmeal cookies until Mike comes home to regale us with his latest incorrigible shenanigans!”

(*aaaaaaaaaand scene.*)

This special episode of Insider Trading has been brought to you by BDJ’s e-mail inbox. If you like what you see here, feed the Trade Box attn: BDJ to buttercuppunch@gmail.com. Or play fantasy sitcom in the comments!

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