Every now and again, rarefied gems of such exquisite hipster stupidity come along that beg to be shared with everyone on the internets, regardless of whether or not that was their birthplace to begin with. See: Cobrasnake, shirts with ironic sayings printed on, Merkley (very fond of the topless girl hipster photo, that one), swapping STDs like so many Garbage Pail Kids cards in 1985 and, as ever, good old, trusty old American Apparel!
The bulletins that hipsters post on Myspace.com are a veritable goldmine for this sort of thing. A treasure chest full of idiocy, trust fund baby spit-up and tempter tantrums about how “this city will eat you alive and then spit you out into the gutter at (insert undesirable residential area here, i.e. Jersey, Long Beach, the Marina District)”. Poor hipsters! It’s so hard on them, especially since, you know, they have no real friends. Tsk, tsk.
Go easy on Feel free to let your dead black heart swell a little at the colossal douchiness of Cody, today’s featured hipster:
Subject: cody got a job!
Its about time i started earning my keep!
Its this temp job downtown. Im fixing perspective for a golf video game. Apparently these brainiacks dont know that objects recede as it approaches the horizon.
I cant talk too much about it.
(non-discloser) but im thinking that i’tll be really good for my constitution!
Whatever, its work and im pleased with myself!
happier than ive been in a while,
cody
Phew! OK, pls. to cue “Son Of A Gun”, I can feel it now.
*Contributed by SkinnyBoneJones*
July 18, 2008 at 7:41 am
oh hipster, take that butter knife away from your wrists and loosen the top button on your girl jeans.
July 18, 2008 at 7:55 am
How does one get a job without realizing that THE APOSTROPHE EXISTS FOR A REASON?
July 18, 2008 at 8:09 am
i like that cody is such a brainiak, with his non-discloser and constitution.
July 18, 2008 at 8:23 am
Hate.Asses.Like.This.
July 18, 2008 at 8:33 am
I have a dog named Cody. He’s smarter than this self-satisfied asshat.
And he eats his own shit.
July 18, 2008 at 8:54 am
What makes this guy a hipster, rather than just an entitled douchenozzle?
July 18, 2008 at 9:01 am
Apparently THIS “brainiack” can’t spell “brainiac”. Or ” non-disclosure”. Or that ‘objects’ is plural and therefore can’t be ‘it’. Or how to capitalize.
English called, hipster scum. It wants some fucking respect.
July 18, 2008 at 9:34 am
Subject: cody needs grammar lessons!
July 18, 2008 at 9:35 am
Wow congrats Cody! You’re one step closer to weaning your self away from Mommy & Daddy’s trust fund! Now why not treat yourself to an AA shopping spree!
July 18, 2008 at 9:43 am
Speaking of hipster douchenozzles:
http://www.onedatatime.com/dick_liker/2008/07/taken-out-of-context-i-must-seem-so-strange.html#comment-122587182
July 18, 2008 at 10:01 am
Now, y’all, be nice. Not only does Cody have a job, but it’s an important one. He is contributing to society, he’s making a difference, he’s paying taxes, etc.
July 18, 2008 at 10:21 am
@Sweetness: Oh, snap! She’s their douchetastic queen!
July 18, 2008 at 10:42 am
@Sweetness: No, wait. Tracie actually says she didn’t comment about the whole thing on Jez because she “wasn’t really allowed to?!?” OMG, that is such utter bullshit. What a fucking coward!
July 18, 2008 at 10:54 am
@nadarine: oh come on, he used an apostrophe. didn’t you see it between i and tll? “i’tll”
July 18, 2008 at 11:22 am
@sweetness–Is it wrong that I did a spit take at the line “I didnt want to interrupt my work day.”? Yeah, I didnt think so either.
Reading Tracie’s blog makes me want to eat white bread and get a SuperCuts haircut. Kind of like how those Truth ads make me want to smoke unfiltered Lucky Strikes.
July 18, 2008 at 11:37 am
First of all: Damn, this felt good to post!
Secondly, @PhDork, I know one when I see one, but I am not so cruel as to also post quoted hipster’s actual IRL photo to go with us.
Besides, if I do that I might never be invited to another one of his coke-laden, keep-it-down-or-the-mgr.-will-call-my-dad loft after-parties again, and what could be more tragic than that?!?!
July 18, 2008 at 11:54 am
“i’tll” really does say it all.
Don’t ruin your girl jeans riding that fixed-gear bike to work, cody!
July 18, 2008 at 12:02 pm
@Sweetness: She is as dumb as a brick for dragging that back up again. Stupid, stupid, stupid hipster.
July 18, 2008 at 12:08 pm
@HistoricUpstart: I liked the “Lizzie was really the rapist in this situation” quote. WHAT AN ASSHOLE SHE IS. Tracie has clearly learned nothing.
July 18, 2008 at 12:25 pm
@katastic: Did she pay Lizzie to rape her?
July 18, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I really do not want to click over to her blog whilst at work, so someone pls. to copy/paste and email a bitch, yes? Yes. In advance, I thank thee.
July 18, 2008 at 12:39 pm
@SBJ:”no, i didn’t comment about it because i wasn’t really allowed to. and because i didn’t want to get distracted during the work day and get sucked into a comment war. i’m not still focusing on this, but i’m kinda pissed that lizz took EVERYTHING that we said out of context and sensationalized it to promote her shitty theater show. she’s kinda the rapist in the situation, in that she plied us with booze and then took advantage of us. especially, when during the interview, she made comments like this one:
“When we were in college, we used to fuck guys to help us move. The night before moving, we would go out and get drunk, and then we’d fuck guys, and then the next morning we’d be like, ‘Oh, we’re moving, and we just fucked you,’ and they always helped!”
i remember being like, “what the fuck is this lady talking about?” but i politely laughed, because i was on her show and all.
Posted by:slut machine | July 16, 2008 at 03:56 PM
ANOTHER NUGGET:
“Lizz: You could get raped.
Tracie: But I wouldn’t.”
July 18, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Gosh, SOMeONE STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT RAPE IS.
July 18, 2008 at 12:43 pm
BlahblahmoreboringSMdrivelblahSODUMBblah.
Huh? Did someone say something of value, importance or worth? No? OK, I thought not.
Fucking asshole.
July 18, 2008 at 12:46 pm
If it were me, I would maybe thank my lucky stars that I wasn’t fired, apologize, and avoid rape references for, oh, two weeks at the least.
But then I have some hint of self- awareness and am not a total fucking jackass.
July 18, 2008 at 12:51 pm
@katastic
yeah, but you aren’t a total asshat.
July 18, 2008 at 1:18 pm
plied you with alcohol.
she tied you down, put one of those orthodontic devices in your dirty mouth and just poured it down the hatch, yes?
fucking ownership, take some.
July 18, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I may be going out on a limb here, but the little nuggets of literary gold the SM graces us with makes me think that one needn’t “ply” her with alcohol, as she does such a good job of getting annihilated all by herself.
BAngieB–She must be getting paid pretty well if she can keep paying all these people to rape her. How much does a rape go for these days anyway?
And remember–a hipster doesnt need to learn anything because they already know everything! Duh.
July 18, 2008 at 1:22 pm
From guess who:
“i have never been date raped because i am street smart. i don’t deny that. that’s why i’m not apologizing for what i said. sure, maybe it has something to do with luck. like how i’ve been lucky that i’ve never been hit by a car. but i also look both ways before i cross the street.
think of it this way (and this is camille paglia’s metaphor, not mine): you park your car in times square and leave the keys on the hood and then it gets stolen. is it a crime? yes. should you be surprised? no.”
Moron. However the real low point is the post when she said she could use all the words she liked (including the n-word and various other racial epithets), because she loathes censorship.
July 18, 2008 at 1:25 pm
“she’s kinda the rapist in the situation”
I think she mistakenly added a space between the words “the” and “rapist.”
July 18, 2008 at 1:28 pm
es-ki-mo–
“I’ll take ‘The Rapists’ for 300 Alex.”
“That’s THERAPISTS, Mr. Connery.”
July 18, 2008 at 1:30 pm
@mo: She was the first AnalystTherapist! The business cards didn’t turn out well though.
July 18, 2008 at 1:33 pm
andB: That reminds me, I need new business cards.
July 18, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@NeverNikki:
“a hipster doesn’t need to learn anything because they already know everything” = HAWESOME!!
I really wonder what Anna and Dodai think of S.M. behind closed doors. It’s amazing that someone so stupid is getting paid so much to be that way. Epic fail!
July 18, 2008 at 1:40 pm
question: do hipsters cash their paychecks??? or do they just continue to suck on mom and dad’s teat not realizing that paychecks need to be deposited in banks??
can we recruit one and have an “ask a hipster” column??
i’m guessing they don’t, as they all seem to go for the jobs that pay $8/hr or less, and still end up with apartments more expensive than even a salary 10 times that can afford!
July 18, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Tracie and the rest of Jezebel spends a great deal of time mocking others for their missteps and bad behavior, but when Lizz Winstead does it, she’s “exploiting” them and taking things out of context.
Hmmm, hypocrite much?
@Dogtanian: I get the feeling she sees herself as some kind of radical young Camille Paglia or Susie White.
July 18, 2008 at 1:57 pm
@M: “Getting Hippy With It”
July 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm
@mo: “Free Lancing AnalRapist”?
July 18, 2008 at 2:10 pm
I would love an “Ask the Hipster” column. Oh sweet baby Jebus i would love one.
OT, but I have to go to Wicker Park, i.e. Hipsterville this weekend. My friend’s advice was “Don’t wear color.”
July 18, 2008 at 2:10 pm
@AndB: don’t you dare try and take http://www.FreeLancingAnalRapist.com – it’s mine.
July 18, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Oh god, when I typed that and the link came up, I got a little excited that there actually was a frelancinganalrapist.com site.
July 18, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Its the unions that are killing the American Anal Raping companies. Thats why I work freelance.
July 18, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I did too, pet. I did too.
July 18, 2008 at 2:25 pm
@es-ki-mo: you’re really pigeon-holing yourself there, what happens when you want to freelance in other types of rape? you gotta be more forward-thinking, as a rapist.
July 18, 2008 at 2:27 pm
um, of course we cash our paychecks. and my rents totally help out – but only with like the necessities such as rent and shit. but like what you older generations don’t understand is that we’re totally getting screwed over – do you think my Political Communications/Fabric Design B.A. came cheap? like, trying to make it in the world now is harder, yo, then it was for like older generations. and i don’t think i should have to give up Whole Foods, my American Spirits, vegan leather hobo bags, OR my sense of self because you are BITTER hags.
July 18, 2008 at 2:30 pm
@Infuriated Hipster: yes, but how are your bangs? are they fly? that’s really all that matters.
July 18, 2008 at 2:37 pm
@SBJ: I will defer to your greater knowledge of said hipster. I only wish the attitude were limited to hipsters. Then we could have some hopes of containing or destroying it with carefully placed, tainted PBRs.
July 18, 2008 at 2:43 pm
None of you, like, GET me.
July 18, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Dear Hipster–
Infuriated is a sincere emotion. Hipsters are too cool to feel.
Go away troll.
July 18, 2008 at 2:47 pm
@kadinsky: What is this? Punk rockers got beat up in the like 70’s or whatever because they had mohawks, and now we’re being victimized because of our bangs?! god, like it’s the millenium and it’s time to stop oppressing people.
July 18, 2008 at 2:59 pm
@NeverNikki – but the Pitchfork blog is dead right now.
– seriously, though. it’s hard impersonating an enraged hipster. i know plenty, but most of the ‘hipsters’ i know just get infuriated if you call them “hipsters”. also mine are sweet and gentle beasts, for all their bangs and tight jeans. but i think, in the end, all of us have a little inner hipster.
i’ll go back to lurking :)
July 18, 2008 at 3:01 pm
@NeverNikki: i think this is more of funny thing than a troll thing.
July 18, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@Infuriated Hipster: feminists don’t oppress, haven’t you heard? WE DO NO WRONG.
now, go make your weekly trust fund withdrawal, get us some eightballs and nail polish and come be bitter with us.
July 18, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Are they sweet or gentle or just in a weakened, malnourished state due to their vegan diet?
I dont hate hipsters. I just cant stand the irony of someone claiming they’re an individual by acting exactly like everyone else.
July 18, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Angiesyounglover–I know darlin’. :)
Oh, and previous post should say sweet AND gentle. Using your words is hard.
July 18, 2008 at 3:12 pm
@infuriatedhipster: much like the body in the shed of mccarren park, this schtick stinks.
July 18, 2008 at 3:18 pm
sing it with me, i got hip, but i’m not a hipster. i got hip, but i’m not a hipster.
July 18, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Don’t sarcastically call someone a “brainack” if you don’t know how to spell it. Also, grammar.
July 18, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Hells bells, SM has more problems than the DSM has established codes.
July 18, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Is it wrong that I’m considering bangs? Or is that a question for Panda to answer in a separate post?
July 19, 2008 at 1:04 am
@HowdyBeep: I hate hipsters, but bangs are not an intrinsically hipster thing. It’s all in how you wear them. If you avoid Urban Outfitters t-shirts and all things American Apparel, you’ll be ok. Not that you have any reason to take my advice, but I’m totally right.
Also, re: SM’s pot psychology post today, I HATE it when people smoke at the beach. There is nothing grosser than cigarette butts in the sand. I’ll give her a pass if she put them in an actual trash can.