My first kiss was an event I feverishly anticipated throughout three long years of junior high. I had attended an all-girls Catholic school since the age of nine, and the only boys I knew were the brothers of my girlfriends. These gawky, spotty teens were the targets of near-constant obsession and angst. A tongue-tied and shy pre-teen, the act of calling a girlfriend was something I would spend half an hour preparing for, a list of possible conversational topics in hand in case a Brother answered and I was lucky enough to stumble into a dialogue. I harbored a particularly brutal series of crushes on my friend Georgia’s older brother and the members of his garage band, but remained romantically disappointed. They were, after all, sophisticated high school freshman and regularly in the presence of girls far more developed than me in the breast region; I wasn’t even allowed to wear makeup. After drooling over the band boys and some secreted issues of Tiger Beat, I composed an idea of what I wanted my first boyfriend to be like.
He had to be mature and sophisticated, like me, and might even be as old as 16. He would have to be creative so that if he were a musician, he could dedicate his songs to me; if he were a painter, he could paint pictures of me; if he were a writer, he could write anguished poems about our torrid love. I definitely leaned toward a poet, as I had just read Romeo and Juliet and felt that passionate, fatal love was a very desirable thing. I understood poets to have a high mortality rate. He had to be tall with intense eyes and healthy teeth and should photograph handsomely so that I could take pictures of him to school and brag about his prolific creativity, adoration, and general hotness.
Jeremy and I met at a mutual friend’s 8th grade graduation party, and I decided that he would make a reasonable first boyfriend. He wasn’t exactly what I had fantasized, but he had an artistic air and was available. Jeremy was a devoted hiker/biker/mountain climber/yoga student who ate multigrain bars three meals a day and hydrated himself with natural spring water. He was also a ballet dancer, which seemed exotic enough, although I was perplexed as to how he would choreograph numbers to the score of our love. He had a thick ponytail that hung midway down his back, which was not only acceptable but even desirable in the mid-90s. More importantly, he was 15 and I was thirteen, which presented a sufficiently impressive age gap for my classmates.
Although his New Age tendencies were a slight drawback, he thought I was smart and beautiful; even in my tender and inexperienced youth, I recognized this as a major plus. I decided to overlook the gap between his front teeth and the fact that he didn’t write anguished poetry. He had extremely strong thigh muscles and could pick me up, which sent unfamiliar shivers through me. In retrospect, I was never really attracted to him, but to have such maleness in close proximity was intoxicating enough.
When Jeremy was at my house one day, I cunningly suggested that we take the dog for a walk. Our “dates” up to this point consisted of closely mother-monitored movie viewing, hours-long phone conversations, and some variety of athletic activity. Three weeks into Operation First Kiss, and things were progressing too slowly for my liking. I was eager for an opportunity to be alone with him away from the house, anticipating that he might finally try to kiss me. Despite some photographic boyfriend evidence, my friends were growing skeptical. I chose to be on the safe side and took the mile-long route, mindful of giving Jeremy a few extra minutes to prepare. We walked the first half-mile quickly, immersed in a conversation about Jeremy’s progress in his yoga class and his ability not only to see the colorful auras of the people around him but to manipulate them. My attention was diverted from the conversation during the second half mile as I became aware of the nearness of my house and the gradual dwindling of kissing opportunities. Jeremy was still babbling about his God-like powers, and I was increasingly fidgety and frustrated. How obvious did I have to be? Would no one just kiss me, for the love of dog? Was I going to be the last girl on the planet to get KISSED?
We arrived at the house next to mine with zero attempt made to widen my realm of romantic experience. Sweaty handholding would suffice no longer. My front door was in sight, and I has surpassed fidgety into proper, steaming mad. I stopped walking and folded my arms. After a few steps, Jeremy noticed that I was no longer moving or at all interested in his monologue. Perhaps detecting a darkening in my aura, he approached nervously, looking at everything but me. He cleared his throat, cracked his knuckles, and smoothed his hair before inquiring in a tiny voice, “So, is something wrong?”
At that point, I’m afraid I lost my temper, in the sense that I screamed, “I hate you!” and sat down on the curb to cry. I think that Jeremy may have been in shock for a few minutes, but he sat down and put his arm around me awkwardly as I snuffled into my shirtsleeve. Somehow, it happened, just how kisses are supposed to happen, unplanned and quiet, without a discernible beginning. I wasn’t surprised when it happened and was beginning to feel a tingle in my legs when I became aware of other sensations.
Sensations, such as: I realized that Jeremy’s tongue had found its way into my mouth and was approaching my tonsils. I observed that Jeremy tasted like he hadn’t brushed his teeth that morning. I then found I was having a difficult time breathing through my nose and that there was a distinct shortage of oxygen, making me unpleasantly light-headed. Only a minute after it had begun, I decided that kissing was a disgusting and ill-advised thing to do. I pulled away quickly and stood up to brush my shorts off, rein in the confused dog, and head home. Jeremy looked up at me, bewildered. “That’s so gross, Jeremy,” I told him. “You should never do that again.” We went into the house to watch “Plan 9 From Outer Space,” and I decided not to tell my girlfriends about the graceless incident at all. They could find out about kissing for themselves.
July 22, 2008 at 4:33 pm
You are adorable and I want you to rewrite all the bad YA books I regrettably read. And my middle school diary.
July 22, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Ugh, my first kiss guy tonguefucked my tonsils. He had a very big, very wet tongue. And he tasted like Pizza Hut.
I had a more fulfilling experience the time my dog stuck his tongue in my mouth against my will and much better memories of him.
July 22, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I am good company, then, as my first kiss was terrible as well.
Oh, Mark Francisco, we should have made out behind the portables in the 6th grade when everyone else was! Then I wouldn’t have ended up making out on my couch with teeth-sucking Luis Whatever-Rez his name was. Sob.
July 22, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Year: 92
Location: Back of some older dude’s van.
Soundtrack: Most likely something from the Singles soundtrack.
Boy: Later got a girl pregnant before graduation. They are now married w/2 kids and living in the burbs.
Me: Thought it did not live up to the hype, but whatever.
Van: Expected more.
July 22, 2008 at 5:09 pm
first kiss sucked. i recall teeth. and ouch. and okay, goodnight. it was both our first kiss, so i let it slide thinking okay, maybe i suck too. but i didn’t. ended up dating him and had to manually hold his head the following 2 weeks so i could control just how much saliva, tonuge, and TEETH (WTF!?) was forced upon me. turns out he was a douchebag. turns out i like girls anyway.
July 22, 2008 at 5:11 pm
oh hell, my first kiss? i might need deep hypnosis to recall more than his name and the location (adam, under a desk at school) (um, very, very young we were).
but this def reminds me of my first badly-wanted-only-to-turn-out-disgusting kiss. that would be summer of 7th grade, in my room with the neighborhood ruffian boy, jack. i was hott for jack because he was all lean muscle and sinewy – trouble was, so was his tongue. when he kissed me and shoved that thing down my throat i thought it was going to pierce the back of my neck.
July 22, 2008 at 5:20 pm
As always, Tailfeather, this was beautifully written and suspenseful. Shame about the font (Kadinsk??? Kadinsk??? Does anal retentive have a hyphen?)
My first kiss was a horror show. The guy poked his slimy tongue in my mouth like a garter snake. I was so horrified that I ran into my house and spit into the toilet for an hour.
I don’t know how I ever got up the nerve to kiss again, but the next guy who kissed me — Eddie Penwarden, his name was — was a slow, sleepy, gentle kisser who really turned me on and that has been my preferred method of kissing ever since. I hate the kissers who crush their mouth up against you so you can’t breathe or just start frantically tonguing. Just give me some slow, soft lips, some nibbling and gentle licking, a slow kissy seduction, before moving in for the hard-core stuff, for fuck’s sake.
I’ve had two great neckers in my life, one with pillowy lips like Angelina Jolie. We would neck for hours before any clothes came off. I’d kill for another necker like him.
And I love that line in that Wilco song “She’s a Jar” about sleepy kissers. Sleepy kissers are the best.
July 22, 2008 at 5:24 pm
@andbegorrah: Pretty much the best compliment ever! My gratitude is abundant, as is my love of YA books. It’s sad because it’s true. XO
Above comments have convinced me I will not only have to prepare my future daughter for a disappointing loss of virginity, but even a lackluster first kiss. It’s the anticipation of these things that hurts so bad. But maybe that’s the principal part of the experience, and like most pertinent things in life, it improves with practice…
July 22, 2008 at 5:27 pm
@Trixie: But I cringe at the line “you know she begs me not to hit her.”
July 22, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Almost everyone’s first kiss is terrible. That’s why there are so many stories and films and such about how *magical* they are. It’s all retroactive wish-fulfillment.
Mine was the October of 8th grade, long awaited, a cool night in my wooded backyard. Chad was super-dreamy and good friend I’d had a crush on for months before we started pairing up at big group gatherings. The evening, the lead up, the atmosphere were all fantastic. But the kiss was awful. I thought I was in some horror film where the guy turns out to be the monster who eats peoples’ faces. Slobber everywhere. (Note to all the adolescent boys reading this: keep your fucking mouth closed the first time, at least!)
I broke up with him (by telling his BFF to tell him, natch) on Monday.
July 22, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Es-ki-mo: I read somewhere that he threw that in at the end just to mess people up. It was supposed to be “she begs me not to miss her” again. But then I also realize he’s not saying he DOES hit her. He’s saying she begs him not to. So maybe she’s been hit before, by some other dude, and is just messed up.
I love that song. So pretty. His lyrics are so poetic and lovely. That band is on my Top 5.
July 22, 2008 at 5:33 pm
PhDork: Let’s give lessons, huh? Lips! Use the lips at first! Gently, softly, slowly. Then slowly, slowly proceed with the tongue. See how she responds. The more she gives back, give back to her. Am I right????
July 22, 2008 at 5:35 pm
@PhDork: I think you nailed the retroactive wish-fulfillment. Sadly, I’m afraid our adolescent male readership is in the minority (although, we seem to pop up with regularity when ‘lesbian’ is Googled, which could help). We should all compile a Teenage boy Handbook; “keep your fucking mouth closed” could save generations from future grief. Pehaps we can get a grant, for the children.
July 22, 2008 at 5:39 pm
@trixie: Of course you are right. But can you advise your own children as such??? God, I would revamp sex ed so thoroughly it would make the conservatives’ heads spin. There would still be plenty of room for natural, awkward adolescent miscalculation. It would just be informed on a HEALTH and FACTUAL basis, and include a few basic pointers.
July 22, 2008 at 5:42 pm
My first kiss was actually pretty good. The circumstances surrounding it? Not so much.
First off, my first kiss did not occur until senior year of high school. I was at the mall with two of my friends, and one girl’s boyfriend met us there with his friend, who I had flirted with a few times before during chance encounters. He started flirting with me like crazy, I flirt back, we’re all walking around the mall, he takes my hand, and I just know it must be coming. And at that point, I didn’t care that this must have been the third time I’d ever spoken to this kid or that he didn’t have much of anything intelligent to say. He was cute, he was flirting with me, and as we walked in the back of our pack of friends he pulled me aside towards a janitor’s hallway and kissed me.
The kiss was great- soft, gentle, etc. He turned out to be a douchebag. We traded phone numbers, he says he’ll call me, my friends insist I cannot call him for at least three days. Two days later, one of my friends calls me while I’m babysitting. She just ran into the guy at the mall, and he tried to pull the same shit on her, and when she brought me up he went “Hu?”
July 22, 2008 at 5:45 pm
@Trixie: That makes me feel better.
I saw Tweedy play a couple of weeks ago here in Chicago and he was Lovely.
Also: A neighbor of mine is a major Wilco fan. She took her kid to the park, and realized Tweedy was there with his kids. She thinks to herself “oh my god I’m totally gonna talk to him, then his kids with be friends my my kid, and soon we’ll all be vacationing together and life will be awesome.”
So she’s about to muster up the courage to start an innocent conversation, and she realizes she’s wearing a Wilco shirt. She aborted the mission.
July 22, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Aw, that was cute. And probably the most realistic and relatable first kiss story ever. I remember once in class in high school, two friends of mine and I were talking about how nervous one of them was about kissing her bf for the first time, which would be her first kiss ever, and he had kissed before. A senior girl came over to us and started giving advice, and we got all confused, b/c she said, “It hurts a little the first time.” After we started looking really confused, she said, “You are talking about sex, right?” She seemed kind of shocked and jaded when we told her what we were really talking about.
Your story also reminds me of my first boyfriend, who listened to the Doors and the Dead, had a ponytail, and liked to write poetry. I thought he was the bestest, coolest, most mature boyfriend EVER. Isn’t it funny that what attracted us when we were wee impressionable naive young ladies are things that would make us run today? At least, that’s the way it is with me. If some dude starts talking about writing poetry, reading Marx, or god forbid, seeing auras, I back away slowly, then tell my friends and laugh.
July 22, 2008 at 5:53 pm
@collegebookworm: i was in 11th! i thought i was the only upper-classmen first kisser.
July 22, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Oh, and mine was at a church picnic (a friend brought me). Five minutes later the guy had his buddy tell me he had a girlfriend and I never saw him again.
July 22, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Es-ki-mo: Hilarious story. “Looked like I picked the wrong day to wear my Wilco T-shirt.”
Tailfeather: Oh Jesus, should I? Should I tell my 14-year-old boy how to kiss a girl? Isn’t that a slippery slope? Imagine what else he might ask for tips on. No!! Just no!! He’ll have to learn by trial and error like the rest of us.
July 22, 2008 at 6:16 pm
@angiesyounglover: I’m usually convinced of the same, only worse, because that was less that two years ago for me. And most of my high school friends were a lot sluttier than me. The two friends I was with that day? One I met when she was pregnant for the second time at 14. She miscarried. The other one was a year younger than me and lost her virginity to her boyfriend like, two weeks after my first kiss.
July 22, 2008 at 6:18 pm
@es-ki-mo: HA! Que disappointment.
@Dictator: I was going to say you must be my age, but then I realized that description could cover a 30-year span of possible teenage boyfriends. I dated a few of those guys. Granola was off the menu after Jeremy (he was a good guy, though), but there were a string of long-haireds to follow.
@Bookworm and Begorrah: Dickheads. It probably made you savvy, though.
July 22, 2008 at 6:21 pm
@trixie: Maybe you could implore his sister to give him a pointer or two? Clearly, it would have to be couched sardonically, but the message might get through. I’m sure that any offspring of yours will be a quick learner, if that’s not weird. That might be weird.
July 22, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Nope, still pretty damn stupid! But at least now I have a leeetle bit more fun before I stumble back into reality.
July 22, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Oh, Tailfeather. How I love thee.
First kiss: 6th grade grad party, playing spin the bottle (I know, it’s like an ep of Full House or something). But he and I were “dating” so of course he picks me, and we walk to the center of the circle and — the dreaded tongue appears. I was so shocked and concentrating on getting it right that I kept my eyes open the whole time. All my friends made fun of me for keeping my eyes open. But dude, I was in shock.
July 22, 2008 at 6:47 pm
did anyone ever play 7 minutes in heaven? i’ve always seen that on tv but never knew anyone IRL who has. WHAT GOES ON? mama never told me…
July 22, 2008 at 6:49 pm
@trixie & tailfether: A little handbook for straight boys could save hundreds of straight girls a lot of ick and ouch.
Chapter 1: First kiss = mouth closed, go from there.
Chapter 2: Don’t shove her shirt and/or bra up around her neck, you dickbag.
Chapter 3: You say the word “blueballs” and we will come and kick your puny jr. high ass.
Feel free to edit. A book for straight girls is also in the works.
July 22, 2008 at 7:39 pm
First kiss: Spring of tenth grade (certainly making me one of the later bloomers here). It was after the last night of the school play. He played my client in the show. It actually was surprisingly good. He and I ended up being really good friends. Then we ended up having sex a little over two years later, which was not so good. He looked so serious, and I kept laughing at him. I guess it goes to show that the good kissers are not necessarily good in the sack.
July 22, 2008 at 7:42 pm
That was wonderful Tailfeather, as always!! Brings back the grim memory of my first kiss in Jr. High – slobbery wet and aggressive. BAngB says it so well…gross and stupid!
July 22, 2008 at 8:04 pm
@tailfeather: No, we probably are about the same age, as I met my (first) long-haired New Age bf in 1995. That must have been a good year for the long-hairs to get girls that were too good for them.
July 22, 2008 at 9:36 pm
@es-ki-mo: I’mma steal your format.
Year: 82
Location: Basement rec room
Soundtrack: REO Speedwagon
Boy: Still a dumbass
Me: Thought is was okay, but didn’t see what the big deal was. Then he tried to get me to touch his…it’s just too horrible to remember.
AYL: Come over here, I will erase those bad memories.
July 22, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Glad to hear I’m not the only one who dreamed about getting kissed in junior high! Didn’t get kissed until freshman year in HS, though. It was nice, even though he had major braces and I was scared my lips might get snagged.
These days, when I read horror stories in the media about “rainbow parties” for 12-year-olds, I want to cry. Do they dream about performing their first BJ? Say it ain’t so! Yeah, I’m old.
Love your site, BTW. I am a longtime disenchanted Jezebel lurker who also wishes Tracie Egan would go away.
July 23, 2008 at 12:48 am
Year: 98
Location: Augusta High School Junior/Senior Prom
Soundtrack: Whatever slow jam the DJ was playing at the time
Girl: Married, in Germany, in the Army
Me: Not a bad way to go out of high school
Extra: Was almost my first time period, but she didn’t want me to get partyvan’d… age of consent laws and such (I was 19, she was about to be 16 or 17–can’t remember)
That’s all I’ve got.
July 23, 2008 at 3:21 am
Technically my first kiss was with my schoolfriends (girls) re-enacting Grease. Everyone wanted to be Sandy so there was a lot of tween angst and pleading. To rid us of any impropriety we would use a leaf between the lips (girl germs). Man that movie had such an impact on my junior life.
First tongue kiss – age thirteen and don’t remember any of it so it must have been ok. It’s the horror experiences that burn into your brain.
July 23, 2008 at 10:06 am
My first ‘kiss’ was on the waterslide at the indoor swimming pool, with my ‘boyfriend’ Jasper. I was 10. It was very chaste.
My first snog was GOD AWFUL. I’d gone through a bit of a messy puberty until I was 15, basically robbing me of any snogging opportunities. At 15, while on vacation in France, I was DESPERATE. I found a 13 year old willing to make out with me. It was like snogging a washing machine on the highest spin cycle. I quickly dumped his sorry ass and found a boy from Cornwall who called himself Jam. He was a 17 year old rebel who, 2 hours after our first kiss (and my second snog ever) was going to all sorts of bases by the side of the lake. Once I start moving I’m fast.
Too bad the 13 year old turned out to be in the same school as me, along with some other people on the campsite. I never lived that down.
July 23, 2008 at 10:21 am
Tailfeather, that was beautifully written. I can see myself reading it in one of those vintage YA paperbacks I used to love!
And suddenly I feel rather fortunate in the area of first kisses. First kiss ever: 14 yrs old, summer camp, at night, on the quad. My friend Danny. Sweet, short, lips only. The bad part: it was a consolation kiss, as I had just confessed my crush on him and he had just confessed his crush … on my best friend. Then they dated for the rest of the summer.
First tongue kiss: 15 years old, Penn Station(!) in front of a crowd of friends. We had all descended for the day to visit our friends in NYC, including my boyfriend, with whom I had up to this point only shared little kisses. He walked up to the group and the first thing he did was grab me, dip me, and kiss me big-time. Mmmmm. The bad part: he is now gay. Oh well.
July 23, 2008 at 10:57 am
Okay, REALLY, am I the only girl in the entire world who had a GOOD first kiss/first time experience? This is depressing.
I was in third grade. His name was Brent Sarver. He was the cutest boy in the ENTIRE WORLD. He lived up the street. Everybody liked him, but he liked me. I was the Jana to his Randy Kirwan without being, you know, a heinous brat. He kissed me in the community center pool, after which we “went out” for six months which consisted of one mom-supervised Olsen twin movie, several playdates under snowy conditions, twenty-odd snail-mail fourth-grade love letters (“your the prettyest girl I know”) which I still have, and three or four giddy kisses in the neighbors’ garage and empty hallways at school. He graduated from Wake Forest last year, and I’m pretty sure I heard he came out. Still cute, though.
July 23, 2008 at 2:01 pm
@MsDirector: His flair for the dramatic could have been a tip. You have to admire his style!
@girlscoutcookie: Aaawwwwww. He would probably be delighted that you still have those letters!
@everyone: I love first kiss stories. The anxious innocence of it all is heartwarming, even if the experience seems to have left something to be desired in many of our cases.
July 23, 2008 at 2:09 pm
My first kiss was when i was a freshman. he was a really popular senior. he took me to the local putt putt and then to applebee’s. i was so nervous i made 2 friends come along.
we went out to the parking lot at applebee’s and he kissed me. i was so nervous (pretty much cause i wasnt suppose to date and thought i’d get caught). He was soft and gentle and i felt my legs buckle. I moved out of state 2 weeks later.
I saw him a few years back. He married a girl who was 3 years older than him. she saw us talking and i guess saw the chemistry we still had and forbade him to talk to me right in front of me.
it was kinda sad but it felt pretty kickass at the same time.
July 24, 2008 at 12:53 am
My first kiss was … odd. Just … odd. It happened thusly.
I had a terribly fierce crush on a boy two years older than I when I was a sophomore in high school. He was my first real crush, who I realized only much later was kind of a self-absorbed sad sack. I thought he was dark and poetic and dreamy (he DID write song lyrics!) Nothing ever happened with us, and he graduated and went to college. One night, a year later (at which point I was quite over him), we were chatting online and somehow arrived at the topic of how I used to like him. He then informed me he used to like me too OMG! Then we talked about my romantic life – had I ever been kissed? No??
He then proposed meeting for a walk and talk. It was midnight on a school night, and I was a very conscientious high school junior. I refused. He insisted. He insisted more. Finally, I agreed to step out onto my stoop for a little talk.
He met me at the stoop by swooping in for a kiss – my first! – and telling me I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Thanks. Then he kissed me a few more times, awkwardly trying to deepen it with some tongue. However, I was shell-shocked and had NO IDEA what he was trying to do with his tongue, so I kept my teeth firmly clenched together in his way. Soon he got tired of licking my teeth repeatedly and decided to give up.
Yeah, nothing ever came of that.
July 24, 2008 at 8:23 am
Sweet. I was institutionalized at a young age (fun!!!). So I like hearing recollections of people’s normal lives. ‘So THAT is how is was supposed to be.’
July 24, 2008 at 10:15 am
My first real kiss was during Truth or Dare, and it was with a girl I was not at all attracted to. And she had a boyfriend! Awkward. I was 18 and in college and drunk for the second time ever. I was kind of disappointed.
What I count as my first kiss was with my first boyfriend. It was kind of awesome, actually, since he was a really good kisser. It even happened on my school’s Kissing Bridge, which now strikes me as pretty corny but at the time I was just glad that I was finally getting kissed by a boy. Yeah, I’m easy to please. Granted, he broke up with me two months later to get back together with his old girlfriend, but it was a good experience.