Please, someone, stage an intervention. Pull me out of the shame spiral and keep me from reading Perez Hilton, because I hate it. I understand that I am hurting America and Jesus by participating in this crass, sophomoric, insulting junk food of a website, driving up his pageviews and thereby empowering the Culture of the Lowbrow, which is rife enough without my additional help.
Due to time limitations and the fact that I have to, like, work for a living and occasionally interact with reality people, I’ve culled my Internet addiction to a few select websites, most of which I am proud to patronize. This is not one of them. The self-loathing I feel when that bubblegum pink background pops up is immense and yet, every day at lunchtime, I sit at my humble desk with my greasy sandwich to look at celebrity photos decorated with Paint Shop Crayola penises. I am so weak.
So, what’s my damage?
I’d like to point out, in my own defense, that I’ve cut out celebrity tabloids completely. In the States, I limited myself to Us Weekly, which the former Mr. T and I consistently referred to as U.S. Weekly so that we could pretend we were catching up on some hard news – and we would always read The Nation afterwards, for a balanced diet. Okay, fine, not ALWAYS, but often. Any surreptitious readership of People or OK! was strictly for the dentist’s office or the nail salon, and not brought into the home. I consider Us Weekly the NYT of celebrity rags, so our guilt was negligible. Now that I’m in the UK, I will sometimes flip through a co-worker’s issue of Heat, but I would never actually purchase this drivel at a newsstand.
(Full disclosure: The gossip rags here are full of British reality stars I have never heard of before, so it’s infinitely more boring. The saga of Ashley and Cole rages on, but my apathy is tangible.)
Now, I could easily argue that this Perez Hilton indulgence is akin to a daily brownie. If I’m eating fruit, vegetables, and protein the rest of the day, am I not entitled to spoil myself with something a little sickly sweet? Am I so intellectually superior that I should feel actual guilt for partaking in this website?
Well, kind of. All the things we rail against as feminists and evolved thinkers are regularly present in this voyeuristic and exploitative style of “journalism.” An admirably brilliant self-promoter, each time Mario Lavandeira turns up in the Spanish, German, or Japanese media (self-reported on his website), I feel a pang of guilt. It’s people just like me who have brought him this level of popularity.
The things that are worthwhile about Perez Hilton’s work, such as his championship of civil rights and his recent use of his website to highlight various charities, seem to pale in comparison to his juvenile commentary, casual hate-mongering against certain celebs, and random sexism. Certainly, he is pro-gay rights, but only because he is gay. Certainly, he is avidly in favor of free speech because he is in a litigiously vulnerable position. If he were straight and less ubiquitous, would his site read any differently from The Superficial or DrunkenStepfather? The comments his website attracts (which I pointedly avoid because I don’t wish to lose all faith in humanity) range from hostile to insipid to aggressively horny. If this is the people stripped bare, woe to the republic.
Perez has also risen as a powerful figure in the music industry. This is, in fact, a principal facet of his site that I enjoy. I believe I first heard Lily Allen on his website, followed the exploits of Amy Winehouse, discovered Santogold, and saw Kate Nash’s charming music video for “Foundations.” He highlights international acts that get little attention in mainstream American media (like tranny Bulgarian popstar Azis and the appealing Nouvelle Star winner Julien Dore), and his wide reach can help make or break a modern artist. Like it or not, Perez Hilton is coming to define worldwide music and has proved himself to be an influential tastemaker.
Most importantly, he updates constantly. His sheer prolificness ensures that I have to check in daily to keep my gossip stimulus manageable. In this sense, I readily sacrifice quality for quantity and literature for picture books, because I know that when I sit down with my sad sack lunch in hand, I will be diverted for ten minutes. And I value this brief escape, even if I frequently close my browser while shaking my head over some vulgar slight, or experience a twinge of self-disgust as I hungrily read more, even after my sensibilities are offended – or, worst of all, dare to click on an uncensored photograph of some poor starlet frolicking on the beach with her new lover.
I suppose the question is, how guilty should I feel? Perez Hilton has grown to represent the cutting edge of gossip, as addictive, troubling, and entertaining as Celebrity Rehab. Are we defining pop culture, or is it defining us? When do we pull back and refuse to indulge any longer? Crucially, does it even matter?
July 24, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I don’t read Perez, but if I did I’d feel less guilty about reading that than reading Jezebel right now.
And I fucking hate Perez. (But totally support anyone’s right to read it)
July 24, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Look deep in your heart, tailfeather. You know the answer. We’re here for you.
July 24, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I admit to having a Perez addiction back in his early days. But the self promotion got to be too much.
But, someone has to tell me what happened with that shiner! Not that I, uh, support violence or anything. But if he happened to fall down and hit his eye, I would laugh, quietly, but heartily.
July 24, 2008 at 5:05 pm
if you want, we can start drawing crayola penises on things to assuage your withdrawal. yes. methadone penises.
July 24, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I gave up my perez reading habit a long time ago but you’re right about the music; if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t know who Julien Doré, Azis and Kate Nash were.
July 24, 2008 at 5:07 pm
NO! Walk away. Run away. Don’t do it. Mario is such a little shit. He’s not funny. His sources suck. He is mean to Lindsay and Sam. It will not stand.
I refuse to give him pageviews and increase his income.
July 24, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I sure wish I had given him that black eye.
July 24, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Oh how I’ve been there and know what gave me the final nudge to quit reading Perez? Reading the comments. I know it’s depressing, 99% of them are eye-crossingly pathetic; in the end I didn’t like the company I was keeping, so to speak.
July 24, 2008 at 5:15 pm
@Bangieb: You know, now that you mention, I think I dumped Perez just around the time he stopped trying to be Lindsay’s new bestfriend and turned into a catty, undermining bitch to her. Jealous!
July 24, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Wow, sugar. Way to keep the peen flying high, cowboy!
July 24, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I quit Perez a year or so ago when i started reading Jez.
Ugh he is such a little shit.
July 24, 2008 at 5:37 pm
IT HAS COME TO METHADONE PENISES, Y’ALL. M, gimme a hit fast.
@nodoubt: It is so sad, but true. I don’t listen to the radio anymore because I no longer have a car, I don’t watch TV, and I don’t read Pitchfork. I actually do find some artists that I’ve grown to like via this website. Ugh.
@mllejanine: Dude, I’m not suicidal. I’m not reading the comments. It would take me over the edge.
@BAngieB and WestVillageGirl: Exactly, he is soooo spiteful. It is more than a little fascinating to see actual celebrities start to suck up to HIM. It is the fodder of a loser high school kid’s dreams.
July 24, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I gave up ever going there a year ago and I’ve never looked back. When he outed Doogie Howser against his will? That was the death knell for me. Fuck you, Perez Hilton.
July 24, 2008 at 5:49 pm
We all have our Demons, Tailfeather. Perez is a hard one to fight, but you can do it. I stopped reading him about 9 months ago. Be strong, but forgive yourself for the inevitable slips. (like, when I looked at his site about ten minutes ago)
July 24, 2008 at 5:50 pm
I’ve stopped reading perez and replaced it with BCP and job listing sites. The only thing of value I got from perez was his rec about Brendan James – new singer – wonderful!!!!!!
July 24, 2008 at 5:50 pm
dlisted
bubblegumculture (dotty z’s blog)
entertainment weekly
eonline
You can do it!
July 24, 2008 at 5:56 pm
What’s weird is my roommate occasionally asks me ‘have you read Perez recently’? And I always answer, ‘no’ but I’m thinking ‘what kind of horrible person are you that you read that shit every day?’ Of course I love him and listen to whatever he has to say and I realize everything he’s discovered on Perez I’ve discovered elsewhere with a clear conscious. If you’d like..I’d be happy (and I’m sure everyone else would be too) to give you my RSS feed and my bookmarks because no one should have to feel like they need that piece of shit for anything besides brain herpes.
July 24, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Out of sheer morbid curiosity, I went up to the Coffee Bean when Senor Laundromat blogs a few months ago. I had the strong urge to punch him the minute I laid eyes on him. Both my parents were in the hospital, my sis was on her honeymoon, so I had no one to bail me out if I got arrested, so I just loaded up my purse with some heavy books and casually swung it a bit wide when I walked past the table where he was seated. THUNK! On the back of his head! “OW, BITCH!” he yelled. But one “You really wanna fuck with me, fatboy?” sista-girl look and he quietly sulked back into his chair.
That fucker is NOTHING with out his blog. I implore you all: Stop Clicking!
July 24, 2008 at 5:58 pm
turns out drawing peens with pain is difficult with a touchpad, but here it is:
http://picasaweb.google.com/switch.sf/UntitledAlbum/photo#5226718508958554818
July 24, 2008 at 6:08 pm
In a perfect world, PerezHilton.com would be a site where Rosie Perez blogs about her stays at various Hilton Hotels across the country. She’d have audio commentary as she fills out her “How Was Your Stay?” cards before she checks out.
“Ummmm, like cleanliness was a four point seven.”
I’d LOVE that site.
July 24, 2008 at 6:16 pm
i broke up with jezebel last week (deleted from google reader subscription) and im this close to breaking up with PH. i don’t get how he is so pro-gay but anti-lesbian? it seems like he’s always aggressively posting about samron and lindsay but some other hollywood gay couple is put on a pedestal with crowns and shit drawn on their head.
July 24, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Oh, dear. Well maybe we can spin it with some psychology and say you are addicted to Perez b/c you miss home and are using it as a crutch to get you through the daily onslaught of British celebs you don’t recognize? So, really, you’re just homesick….right, that’s it, homesick. Feel better?
July 24, 2008 at 6:40 pm
You know, erggggg, I never really bothered to try and understand the gay hating on lesbians. I don’t get it. It bewilders. Maybe some gays are such fucking attention whores they have paranoia complexes and worry that the lesbians are trying to out-attention-whore them? Or steal their gay thunder? I fucking have no idea, but I heart pretty, pretty gay boys who are also nice and have good hearts.
See how that doesn’t describe PH at all?
@all: Y’all, my loverbird photoshopped peen for you. She loves you, she really loves you.
July 24, 2008 at 6:51 pm
I’m live at BCP, where a goldstar lesbian has just drawn a perfect peen. We’ll keep you posted as the story develops.
July 24, 2008 at 6:59 pm
@ eskimo: That’s the best idea ever. Youshould try to contact Rosie.
@ SBJ: I’ve got a gay bf and he once crossed the bitch line and said something about my functional clothing (a shirt in winter that actually insulated heat) and I tore him a new one. I’m probably his only lesbian friend due to the fact that I actively take an interest in style but sometimes my gay friends just need to realize they aren’t the best gifts to the world ever because they know how to gel their uniformly short hair right. There’s something about breaking others down that feeds the queen living inside the worst gays despite the fact that in a gay man crowd they’re indistinguishable from each other.
July 24, 2008 at 6:59 pm
@erggggg: Mario and Samantha have a long-running feud. It pre-dates Lindsay’s Memorial Day accident. Once Lindsay and Sam’s relationship came to light he starting hating my pretty, pretty girl.
July 24, 2008 at 7:02 pm
M? That photo album is fascinating. A picture of Lindsay and Sam, some hot girl, and GBush.
Nice work with that photoshopping.
July 24, 2008 at 7:06 pm
tailfeather, I’m with you on still being stuck on PH, and your analysis is spot-on.
I think the reasons I stay stuck: he reports most everything first, I enjoy the brain break for the same reason I also enjoy Us Weekly, and I’m a sucker for the times where he seems to show humility and gratitude. I seem to have a filter for all the countless times he counteracts that attitude.
I should probably feel worse about reading him than I actually do. I was really put off at first, but eventually I numbed to it, I guess.
July 24, 2008 at 7:20 pm
@M: Awesome.
I don’t read Perez, but I do read the Daily Mail. Even though half the time I don’t know who the celebrities are, their stories are so much more interesting than our celeb stories. Plus, the stories about random crazy British people are fascinating.
July 24, 2008 at 7:23 pm
M, your peen art is amazing. But who is your avatar? Is it PAUL WILLIAMS FROM THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS??????
July 24, 2008 at 7:33 pm
@trixiefromtoronto: cool hand luke!
and i used ‘Paint’ because there’s no way i’m paying for photoshop to draw peens on people’s faces.
@Bangie: hah! good eye.
July 24, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I left Mario for Oh No They Didn’t. It’s impossible to read every post and there’s some publicist bs to wade past, but it’s my one stop place for stupid celeb gossip. Now if only I could cure myself of this stupid gossip reading addiction entirely.
July 24, 2008 at 7:53 pm
@haguenite: Right there with you. I don’t even look at the comments on Jez, and I’m limiting myself to reading it twice a day. And I still feel like I have to go read Proust or something afterwards.
Seriously, these addictions are hard to break, but when you’re done with them, you’re soooo done. And going back is just kinda gross. Like smoking. Or diet soda. (Not that I didn’t love those habits when I had them.)
July 24, 2008 at 8:24 pm
ceejee- I love you.
You are my hero.
July 24, 2008 at 9:57 pm
@BangieB ahhh….the truth comes out, its just some fued.
whenever i read PH (i promise, its going to end soon, as soon as i can hit “delete subscription”) i think of the millions of soccer moms/teens who read his blog and how for some, homosexuality is probably “ew gross”. and so i think he kind of has a responsibility to represent other lifestyles well or to expose people for hypocrites or bad people (like michael savage/autism, that anti-gay senator in OK he’s been all over, etc.)
July 24, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Yeah, erggggg, it’s a feud, but he is still a total prick.
July 25, 2008 at 4:29 am
@M: BWAHA! I will implore SinRoo to use that image for her next political post. We didn’t know you were artistic too! You’re a lucky girl, Skinny Bone. :)
@MBB @lesbiansayswhat: Yes, alternative recommendations are always appreciated.
@notmandy: You can’t give it up entirely. At least I never, EVER read TMZ.
@CeeJee: Perez called you a bitch! You are up there with the likes of Sam Ronson, Brooke Hogan, and Katherin Heigl! Esteemed company, my friend.
July 25, 2008 at 8:50 am
Oh, dear, no. Go to DListed. It’s the same gossip, but Michael K is much, much funnier.
Or you could read ONTD, which just collects everything and puts it in one convenient place.
July 25, 2008 at 10:04 am
I gave up my Perez reading about a year ago, around the time Jezebel came out. Between that and DListed I get my fare share of celeb gossip without ever having to see Mario’s face
Also, Tailfeather I love US Weekly as the NYT of gossip rags. I’m gonna tell my sister this, who always makes fun of me for reading it but then spends like all the time she’s at my house reading US Weekly.
July 26, 2008 at 6:28 pm
@notmandy: same here, ohnotheydidn’t has been my gossip savior ever since i decided that i could no longer stand perez. it’s not perfect but it is constantly updated.
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