
Two weeks after my son’s 13th birthday, I came home to a disturbing scene. He was in bed with his girlfriend.
Indeed, the boy who still occasionally slept with his teddy bear had snagged some hot chick two weeks earlier. While he still looked 10, she was fully developed and looked 17, and she wanted a little action from her little man. He was horrified when I discovered them cuddling in bed that day, and confessed sheepishly later that night that she wanted to experiment and he reluctantly went along, fearing he would be viewed as a wimp if he didn’t.
In any event, I had the talk I’d had with my daughter a few years earlier: You are WAY WAY WAY too young to enter into the emotional and physical minefields of a sexual relationship — that’s for adults, and even adults often don’t know how to handle them. But if you MUST go down this road, there is a box of condoms in the bathroom cupboard, under the sink, and you are not EVER to have sex with anyone without using one. Not only will it spare you from being a teenaged father, it will save your life. I assured him I would not look in the box and he didn’t need to fear I would freak out if I noticed some were missing.
He replied much as my daughter did when she was 13: “Mom, do you think I’m crazy? I know all about HIV and sexually transmitted diseases from health class and I would NEVER do anything without a condom.”
Indeed, thanks to a very socially progressive education system in Canada, my children and their schoolmates were being taught from as early as 12 all about birth control, STDs, teenaged pregnancies and how to avoid them. Inherent in the lessons they were learning was a certain awareness that “abstinence only” is a crock of shit. As long as teenagers get horny, teenagers will have sex.
When the Bush administration started touting “abstinence only” as a sex education philosophy, I couldn’t have been more astounded. It is just so wrong-headed in every way, especially in an era when any kid with a computer can type the word “sex” into Google and be confronted by all sorts of horny-making images and websites. What, apparently, has been the result in some states that have fully embraced the “abstinence only” school of thought? An increase in both teen pregnancy rates and STD rates as kids who don’t know any better and can’t keep it in their pants are going ahead and doing what comes naturally without a lot of information. It’s a scandalous and stupid policy, wreaking havoc on a lot of lives.
As much as I do love the United States of America in so many ways, it made me grateful to be raising teenagers in Canada.
And oh yeah — I guess I mislead my children by telling them I would never check the condom box. I’ve checked it, and it still hasn’t been opened! My 17-year-old daughter assures me she is holding onto her virginity like the precious gift it is, holding out for someone she actually likes and trusts. My son, now 14, assures me he’s way too young and just not into it yet. Who knew a mother as randy as me would produce two fairly sexually conservative children? Or profoundly dishonest ones …..
August 2, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Abstinence only is a crock of shit, and your kids sound incredibly smart. Well done.
A health teacher at the high school my mom teaches at got pregnant out of wedlock. She’s in her 30s, but the principal told her that she can’t teach health anymore b/c she’s setting a bad example for “abstinence only.” She only teaches PE now. Yup, that’s how stupid Americans are.
August 2, 2008 at 4:20 pm
@Trixie: your kids are lucky to have a mom like you! And a country like Canada to grow up in. Viva la sex ed!
@dictator4life: Is this is a public school? Because that shit is totally actionable. I’d be calling a lawyer right now…
August 2, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Apparently someone’s been doing a great job in the Mom Department…
Seriously, you’ve obviously raised two responsible kids. That’s quite an accomplishment you know.
August 2, 2008 at 4:40 pm
@BeckySharper: She called her union. She ain’t dumb.
August 2, 2008 at 5:09 pm
@dictator4life: Fuck yeah. She might get enough of a settlement to pay for the bebeh’s college education with that case.
August 2, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Ohmygod, can I love your kids anymore?! They’re so great! You’re so great! I can’t stop using exclamation marks!
August 2, 2008 at 6:51 pm
@ Trixie, and everyone…I mean this question seriously, and respectfully: is virginity really a “precious gift”?
And what do we mean when we talk about virginity and it’s “loss”? The ignorance or experience of PIV sex? Where does that leave awesome dykes like BAngieB? Or all the nice gay boys I know? Or all the fooling around with hands and mouths of boys I was involved with in HS, before I honest-to-maude said to a man (I was 17, he was 23) I’d met 24 hours earlier: oh god, just DO IT! Technically, I may have been a virgin, but really? I was no blushing innocent. Stupid, maybe, but not innocent. I sure don’t feel like I gave him a “precious gift.” I just wanted to fuck.
Trixie, I absolutely think your honesty about and concern for your kids’ healthy sexual development is fanfuckingtastic, and I applaud you. Abstinence-only education is oxymoronic crap. My concern, and it is related to safe/r sex practice, is that PIV is the bright line that we focus on, when there really IS no bright line.
August 2, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Yes, yes, yes! I have long planned to keep around 1,000 condoms in a big bowl in the hall closet so that when my boys take one (and they’d BETTER if they get any play), they can rest assured mom is not gonna count 993 condoms to figure out what they’re up to.
Great minds.
August 2, 2008 at 8:32 pm
@PhDork. Totally agree. I deliberately waited until I was 19 to lose my virginity, but not because I regarded my virginity as a “precious gift” that needed a worthy recipient. I dislike the whole notion of virginity being something that’s “given” or “taken.” It’s not a thing, it’s an experience, and we should be intelligent about how and when we experience sex for the first time–both boys and girls. Hell, we should be intelligent about how and when we experience it in subsequent years, too.
“Precious gift” sounds like those creepy “true love waits” clubs where your father owns your “precious gift” until your husband “takes” it. But having read Trixie’s posts and comments for a while now, I seriously doubt she subscribes to that school of thought.
(Incidentally, this Southern girl’s “precious gift” was given to a nice boy from Kitchener, Ontario, who had me hollering “O Canada!” on a regular basis)
August 2, 2008 at 9:00 pm
The abstinence only/no sex till marriage education policies of the US are a perverse mixing of the teachings of religion and operations of the government. Which defies the obvious tenent of seperation of church and state. Furthermore, the abstinence only approach subjugates the federal government’s codified obligation to address the emergence and spread of communicable disease through intervention strategies that relate directly to safe sex measures.
Shrub & Co. are COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCK-UPS!!!
On a happier note, kudos to our northern neighbors and Trixie esp. for rearing a responsbile and educated generation of youth! Keep up the good work fellow BCPs for educating and creating sexually responsible youth in the US.
August 2, 2008 at 9:01 pm
@PhDork: something tells me that trixie’s daughter is not using the phrase “precious gift” to describe her state of virginity. I know I sure as hell would never call it that! I’m nineteen, and a virgin, and not planning on doing it any time soon. Why? Not because of religion- though my religion says not to have sex out of marriage- or any moral issues with sex. Mostly just because I think sex should be something special, and I don’t want to do it with a guy who I don’t have something special with.
Also, people should keep in mind that even kids getting comprehensive sex ed can be kind of stupid about these things. My hometown has a seriously comprehensive sex ed program, especially for Virginia! But I knew plenty of kids who contracted STDs and got pregnant. I had friends who had abortions at 15, and our year long sex ed class was before then.
Teenagers are often just plain stupid.
August 2, 2008 at 9:03 pm
@ BeckySharper: Bravo! I REFUSE to correlate any female’s worth to the status of their hymen!
August 2, 2008 at 9:49 pm
@CollegeBookworm Right on. You won’t regret waiting. I totally didn’t. By waiting, you ensure that you’ll be an adult who’s better able to handle the emotional/responsibility implications of it. I didn’t handle them perfectly, mind you, but I know I was much, much better equipped emotionally than I would have been at 15 or 16. I haven’t ever had any regrets about my sex life and I attribute a lot of that to the fact that I was thoughtful and careful about how it began. That allowed me to be a happy slut in my 20s and 30s.
August 3, 2008 at 2:23 am
Have y’all read The Princess Diaries Book VIII? I have been on a YA kick, and that book in particular cracked me up, b/c of Princess Mia’s constant use of the words “Precious Gift” in all capital letters. It bothers me that those words seem to be used only for girls, though, and never for guys. Why doesn’t their Precious Gift count for anything? If girls are going to be held accountable for giving it away willy-nilly, guys should too! Although preferably, neither should have to answer for giving it away.
Please keep in mind that this post is written by a slightly inebriated person who is upset that she came home by herself tonight. But I do recommend The Princess Diaries: Book VIII, even though you kind of need to read the other 7 to understand it. It is mostly about a teenager trying to decide whether to give away her precious gift.
August 3, 2008 at 9:23 am
I guess what I meant by “precious gift” — and what hokey language, Jesus, I take it back — is simply that she doesn’t want to have sex for the first time with just anyone, male or female. Should not have used that antiquated virginity thing, I agree. To me, losing your virginity is the first time you have sex, no matter what kind of sex it is.
August 3, 2008 at 11:04 am
I have to say, as someone who grew up in Canada and now lives in the States, if nothing else my adolescence was a testament to the good of rigorous sex education. And I mean, ours wasn’t perfect – I remember the eighth grade male gym teacher who took it had a rather creepy predilection for, ahem, adjusting himself during the lectures – but in all my time in high school, we had precisely two pregnancies carried to term in a crowd of 2000 kids. Both of which I might add were, umm, planned, so probably not exactly avoidable anyway – other issues there. And although I’m sure there were STDs about, we all knew what they were and what they looked like and by the way, our universal health care system meant a kid could much more easily get treatment without alerting the parents – no pesky insurance bills to deal with.
/nationalism
I shall now return to my regular lurking schedule.
August 3, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Bingo, Pilgrim. My pediatrician put me on the birth control pill at 17 and my mother, who would leave books on my pillow alerting me to the dangers of the pill once I got a steady boyfriend (I guess she preferred I got pregnant — I have never quite figured that out) was never the wiser. I hid the packets under my dresser and she never knew.
There were also all sorts of local drop-in birth control clinics you could go to as a teenager — as long as you had your health card, they’d put you on the pill and charge you six bucks a pack, almost half of what you’d pay at the drug store. Ahhhhhh universal health care — you Yanks should try it some time. Yes, you pay more in taxes, but it all works out to an even wash in the end, and you never have to worry about going bankrupt if you or one of your dependents gets seriously ill.
August 3, 2008 at 2:31 pm
What an awesome, level-headed response to that sight! I wish all parents in the U.S. were like you, and I hope that if I ever have kids, I can be too.
August 3, 2008 at 2:44 pm
SarahMC: Sob!
August 3, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@trixie: Nevermind that it is, actually, per capita, cheaper to do it the Canadian way.
When I moved to the States, I thought, wow, now I’ll see what “expensive” health care is like! (My job has fancy schmancy insurance.) But between the co-pays and the paperwork and the pre-auths and the in-network and out-of-network here, as an experiential matter, U.S. health care is MORE bureaucratic than our version. Also, I still wait weeks to see a doctor here unless it’s actually an emergency.
(And, FYI, my American friends, your income taxes are roughly comparable to Canadians! The difference is in the sales taxes, really. Sigh.)
August 3, 2008 at 3:04 pm
@PhDork
” I sure don’t feel like I gave him a “precious gift.” I just wanted to fuck.”
genius. That’s exactly how I felt too. Which, if you think about it, is a good thing because it means that you really are ready to handle your body and emotions. Abstinence only education is a fucking awful idea and should be abolished. People are going to have sex. We are designed to have sex as much as possible. Let them have sex! Just throw them some condoms, birth control and yearly checkups and get your damn head out of the sand,
Trixie, I wish my parents had been as progressive. They let the school educated me (which it did pretty well) and gave me a book about why animals mate.
August 3, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Holy shit, Trixie, your pediatrician was awesome. My mom – an RN – started leaving medical literature on herpes (complete with PICTURES) around the house when I was 12ish. Hate to say it, but that scared the hormones right out of me. I fully endorse your parenting style though; makes much more sense and results in less therapy.
August 3, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I think it’s great that you’re so open with your kids about the risks involved with having sex at such an early age. I commend that in an age when so many parents get too shivtzy under the collar to even let their kids watch a PG-13 movie, let ALONE talk to them about the dangers of unprotected sex.
I think it’s important these days that, along with openness, we continue to make safe sex appeal to teenagers as much as unsafe sex. With companies like One Condoms (onecondoms.com) on the market, putting out things like glow in the dark condoms, this isn’t as hard as people would fear.
The real problem, I believe, is that parents and educators are even more embarrassed about “that subject” than their kids are; but in the end, isn’t it better to go through the awkwardness of a little embarrassment than it is to deal with the awkwardnes–and PAIN–of dealing with a fourteen-year-old mother in your midst or a seventeen-year-old already afflicted with HIV?
August 3, 2008 at 5:41 pm
I’m so grateful that my parents talked to me about sex in a relatively open way, instead of making it a shameful secret. I wish we had looked at birth control a little earlier, but I know in my heart that if I had to go to them with an STD or a pregnancy, they would have taken care of me first and foremost. I want to give my future genius children the same security, however hard it may be for me to acknowledge at the time. You can’t stop your kids from having sex, but you can ensure that they’re educated and safe about it with not much effort.
August 3, 2008 at 6:53 pm
@Trixie: Birth control availability under universal health care sounds great. I had a still-virginal friend in high school whose doctor prescribed birth control to for heavy, painful periods. Her mother refused to let her go on the medication because that, quote, “would give her free reign to have sex.” That was definitely one of the more fucked up things I’ve ever witnessed.
August 3, 2008 at 6:55 pm
J.Gold — that is totally fucked up. My mother was sort of like that. Crazy old prudes.
August 3, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I just couldn’t fathom how she didn’t realize that if her daughter wanted to have sex, she’d do it anyway, b.c. or no. So she just sentenced her daughter to suffer every period, potentially put her at higher risk for getting pregnant if she did decide to have sex, and completely left any concern about STDs out of the picture entirely. What a fucking dumbass. Shortly after that I had to write an essay for a scholarship application on “The Biggest Problem Facing Our Community’s Teens Today” and I wrote about lack of available birth control and condoms for minors without parental consent. It didn’t go over big with the majority of the committee, but the lone med school professor on the selection committee told me afterward that he thought it was the best one, and he wished more people realized teens need access to sexual health care, too.
August 3, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Looking back now, I can see that my parents would have been understanding about me having sex in high school. My mom even told me to tell her if I ever did it, so that she could get me birth control. But I never did, b/c I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me for deciding to do it when I was so young. When I finally fessed up, years later, my mom was really hurt that I hadn’t gone to her to get BCPs. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it, I just didn’t want them to look down on me. So I guess I’m saying that, in some cases, it doesn’t matter how great your parenting has been, your kids will be stupid anyway.
August 4, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I think you raise an interesting Third WAy in the battle of teenaged sex.
It is absolutely true the abstinence-only messages are simple-minded and doomed to failure.
But we can still promote the value of saving one’s self, not necessarily for marriage, but for someone who is worth it.
When you are 15, virginity rocks!
August 5, 2008 at 12:06 am
Trixie- you’re a great mom. Good job on raising level headed teenagers. We all know that is a serious feat!
August 8, 2008 at 4:20 am
It’s unfortunate that the U.S. government can’t be trusted to teach people about sex, and non-government organizations have to pick up the slack. Fortunately there are some great non-profits and condom companies out there making a difference.
I strongly recommend One Condoms (onecondoms.com) not only for their unique packaging and styles of condoms (Google “Pleasure Plus”) but also because they donate 5% of sales to the One Voice Foundation. The OVF encourages people to engage in open, honest and medically-sound dialog regarding sex.
August 8, 2008 at 5:33 am
Steven: I think we’re getting your point on One Condoms. I take it you’re involved with the company somehow?