It’s 7am. I’m all sleep-hungover, bleary-eyed, caffeine-deprived. I open my email and I’ve got, like, 3 emails from Lancome all: “OMFG NEW Mascara on sale TODAY ONLY!” and “Limited Time for 24 hours out TODAY mascara NEWWWW!” and “SHOP TODAY! Our NEW Mascara is out and… are those my nipples? They so HARD! It’s like I’m smuggling pearl earrings in there.. ONE DAY ONLY!” In truth? I usually ignore emails from Lancome, because their makeup is, to my tastes, kind of old lady (like, in her late 70s old lady, y’all). However, since they were clubbing me over the head about it, I decided to peep my peepers on what all the fuss was about:

Vibrating mascara wands. Ooh. I’m so surprised and excited. Not like I haven’t been hearing about this for months. Not like they don’t already have this in Japan. Yaaaaaaawn. Call me old school, call me an “analog girl” or what have you. I know it. I’m rockin’ MS Paint and not Photoshop, y’all, there isn’t anything you can say about me that I don’t already know. I’m resistant to this new flash-in-the-pan technology, not because I think it won’t work, I’m sure it can do quite well, but I’m not ’bout it because I just think it’s overkill. Putting your lashes on with a vibrating wand (7000 oscillations per minute), to me, is like killing a cockroach with a .9mm. But whatever. I’ve been known to like me a gadget or gizmo in my day, so if you’re yen to try it, don’t let me stop you. However, if you’re feeling the recession pangs and want to learn how to sculp the same lashes without the pricey torque, I’ll show you how after the jump.

How about some mood music?

(I just HAD to)

Anyway, even if you wanted this vibe-scara, you can’t have it yet until Fall, because they’re already sold out of their TODAY ONLY stock. It’s now 8am, kids. Craziness. But anyway, as promised, here’s the easy way to build long, lean, clump-free wall-of-sound lashes:

You’ll want to focus on the base of your eyelashes, for the most part. This is the area circled in pink. If you mostly coat this area, it’ll make your lashes look thicker in a more natural way. Whereas if you focus on coating the length of the lashes in mascara, it’ll A.) look like you’re wearing lots of makeup and B.) clump your lashes together like groups of tween girls at a junior high dance. So stick with the base, and your lashes will look so lush, you could maybe forego eyeliner. The actual brand or formula of mascara is not important, as long as it’s not a special fiber mascara (there’s a whole diff method for that) or dried out. I use Maybelline Lash Stylist, or sometimes Full n’ Soft, but it’s whatever you want.

The method is simple, really: Wipe the excess product off the wand with a tissue, or you can scrape it onto the rim of the mascara tube, then open your eye really wide, and press the wand up and into the base of your lashes. To get the position right, I usually scoot way up close to the mirror- like, uncomfortably close, makeout-with-somebody close, or have-a-conversation-with-a-European close. Then I tilt my head back and open my eyes up, so the underside of the lash is front & center. That way, you don’t stab yourself in the eye, trying to cuddle the wand as close to the base as possible. Then, once the wand is in place, you wiggle it back & forth as if you were brushing your teeth. It’s best to do this in small sections at a time. I start with the center, then shuffle to the inner corner of the eye, then the outer corner lashes. But! This next part is part of that:

When you’ve finished shimmying the mascara onto a section of your lashes and want to move on to the next section, you sweep the wand up & out along the length of the lash. This will not coat the length entirely, but that’s not the point. Repeat steps 2 and 3 on each new section. Move on to the next eye and do the same. Don’t forget your bottom lashes! The method is the same for those little guys. If this looks like enough for you, then move on to step 4. However, I love a good Cher fringe on my eyes, so I repeat the steps and do a second overall coat before step 4. Whatever works for you.

For a young, flirty look, swipe the mascara (usually using the endmost, tapered tip of the wand works best for this) a few more times from base to tip of the outer corner lashes, getting them really thick. This will make your eyes look more open and almond-shaped. This whole deal may take a few tries to get exactly right, and feel free to tweak some stuff to work with your eye shape or dexterity, but if you do this right, I swear your junk will look fake. In the best possible way.

Questions? Suggestions? Beauty conundrums? Leave them in the comments or email biscuitdoughjones at gmail dot com.