Man, I wanted SO BAD to call this week’s But Enough About You… this instead:
Your Guide The Hipster Douche Mein Kampf Manifesto Of Fucking Hipster Chicks Finding Holiday Romance .
It just doesn’t roll off the tongue, though, you know? Too bad. How are you, BCP readers? Happy? Cozy? Warm? Good, good. We love you dearly. We do not love, however, the jackass who put the following up in a bulletin yesterday. No, no, no. Not one bit.
“It’s that time of year,” it read, “when even the most independent of lads can get a little desperate for more companionship than one can find in the bottom of a bottle of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. (Also? Don’t take Jameson’s name in vain, asshole! - SBJ ) If I thought it would make any difference, I’d tell you that you should avoid becoming involved with the lasses during this season. It’s just too dangerous, and will almost certainly lead to disaster. But it wouldn’t make a difference. These winter nights are too long and too cold to avoid the urge to spend them with someone shorter and warmer. Instead, I offer you this guide to holiday romance. One type of girl to avoid for each day from now until 2009.”
Wow, I thought. A bit early to be moaning on about lonely holidays, isn’t it? How fucking emo. How sad. I almost felt bad for someone that twitchy about skirts and New Years Eve and sweater puppies and eggnog so soon in the year. I mean, I know it’s November , but out here in SF we just got rid of our last heat wave. Anyway, it all made sense once I read on. I thought I’d make the journey more tolerable for you by setting it to some old-timey carols by Frank Sinatra, lighting a cinnamon candle and just the right amount of vintage Christmas cheer, after the jump…
1. Avoid any girl who has lots of overly-enthusiastic followers on tumblr. She’s an attention whore.
2. Avoid dating a girl just because she is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?
3. Avoid girl who tells you she she is on a cleanse. She hates herself.
4. Avoid Kirsten Dunst. She’s a walking time-bomb.
5. Avoid any girl who frequently blog about her sex life. You know how that one goes.
6. Avoid any girl who works for a Hearst magazine. She’s about to lose her job and you’ll have to pay for everything.
7. Avoid any girl who really likes girls who blog about their sex lives. She’s just too lazy to ruin your name right now. She’ll find a way later.
8. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.
9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.
10. Avoid any girl who follows you on twitter. She’s already stalking you.
11. Avoid any girl who smells too nice all the time. There’s something strange happening.
12. Avoid any girl who smokes heavier cigarettes than you. You’re already her bitch.
13. Avoid any girl who is a DJ. She’ll make you listen to her terrible music.
14. Avoid any girl who didn’t like “Once.” She’s dead inside.
15. Avoid girls whose clothes are all retro, period costumes. Just trust me on this.
16. Avoid ballerinas. She’s too flexible and you’ll just wind up hurting yourself.
17. Avoid any girl with more tattoos than you. She’ll never respect you.
18. Avoid any girl who is still angry because her last boyfriend cheated on her. You’ll cheat on her too.
19. Avoid any girl who lives within two blocks of you. It’s too soon for that kind of proximity.
20. Avoid any girl you meet in the basement of Lit. That’s also Kirstin Dunst and she’s high as a kite.
21. Avoid any girl with tattoos in Chinese. Unless, of course, she’s from China.
22. Avoid any girl who drives in NYC. She’s already proven she’s a nutcase.
23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she’s figured out guys. She hasn’t. She’ll fuck everything up all the while thinking she’s very clever about men.
24. Avoid any girl who wears jewelry given to her by her ex-boyfriend on your first date. She is still in love with him, and only him, and will still be wondering why no-one else ever gives her anything nice when she’s living with six cats and getting her meals on wheels.
25. Avoid any girl who tells you she hates her ex-boyfriend. She hates herself.
26. Avoid any girl with a bad haircut. She spends enormous amounts of time and money on her hair and if it is still fucked, she’s incurable.
27. Avoid any girl with poor hygiene or too much hair where too much hair doesn’t belong on women. If you ever attempt to help her out on this score, she’ll hate you for it. And then she’ll take all your advice and look great for the next guy she sleeps with.
28. Avoid any girl who is “microfamous.” Her name is Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.
29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match. com or j-date. She’s got commitment issues, and since you’re an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.
30. Avoid any girl on anti-psychotics. She’ll go off her meds one day and plant a corkscrew in your ribcage.
31. Avoid any girl who has dated a website founder. That’s also Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.
32. Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates. She should be on anti-psychotics.
33. Avoid any girl who doesn’t drink. Do I need to say anything else here?
34. Avoid any girl who is really, really into tanning. You’ll end up on Hot Girls and Douchebags.
35. Avoid any girl who won’t make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.
36. Avoid any girl whose best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. Together they are a committee of manhaters and you are the next target for hate.
37. Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.
38. Avoid any girl who talks about her father on her first date. She’ll demand you spend the night at her place but will only want to cuddle.
39. Avoid any girl who won’t kiss you if your breath smells like whiskey. She has oral-purity issues that are undesirable.
40. Avoid any girl who wants to monopolize your time on New Year’s Eve. The night is too wrought with emotions and memories. Spend time with as many different people as possible or else stay home and alternate heroin and absinthe until you pass out at twenty till midnight. Also, she’s probably on ritalin and won’t share it.
41. Avoid any girl who won’t wear a skirt in winter. The winter is too long as it is without having to do without legs. You’ll end up in the stairwell of a Christmas party making out with a girl in skirt.
42. Avoid any girl who cries when she’s drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.
43. Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. You will destroy each other.
44. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.
45. Avoid any girl you’ve dated before. Pace Friedrich, if the first time is tragedy, the second time will just be worse.
46. Avoid any girl in a headband. She’s a slave to fashion and will try to make you use expensive hair-products.
47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.
48. Avoid any girl who you never found attractive before but suddenly looks hot. You’re drunk.
49. Avoid any girl who tells you she wasn’t interested in you when you first met but has now developed feelings for you. She’s just been dumped and is desperate.
50. Avoid any girl who buys you shoes for Christmas. You will return them for ones you like and she’ll hate you forever.
52. Avoid any girl you meet at an office party. She is your boss’s wife and wants to hurt him.
53. Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She’s out of your league.
54. Avoid any girl you meet near the Conde Nast building. She’s writing a book and you are going to be in it if you don’t watch out.
Bonus Round: Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. She’s got your number.
============================================================
Ready, ladies? Vomit, on the count of three…one…two…HORK!
November 12, 2008 at 8:33 am
SuperDouche!!
November 12, 2008 at 9:37 am
Wow. I could not get through that entire list (I did want to keep from yacking up my breakfast), but my suspicion is that this guy dated Julia Allison and is desperately sad he did not become mildly famous because of it.
November 12, 2008 at 10:32 am
Jesus. Here, I’ve got one for you, Mr. Hipster Douche:
Avoid any guy who bothers to write a list of 55 girls to avoid. He’s douchey and bitter because women are smart enough to see through his shit.
November 12, 2008 at 10:36 am
OK, what is wrong with me, because I thought the list was pretty funny. Am I a woman-hater?
November 12, 2008 at 10:47 am
@Trix: turn in your vagina, you whorebag!
November 12, 2008 at 10:52 am
He just seems to describe many of the types of women we generally don’t like ourselves as intelligent women. Sort of the poseur, hipster, attention-junkie types. That’s all.
November 12, 2008 at 10:53 am
And this one was funny:
47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.
November 12, 2008 at 10:58 am
I think Nadarine hit the nail on the head!
November 12, 2008 at 11:01 am
@Trixie: For me, it’s not the type of women he listed that’s the problem, but the fact that there’s a list to begin with.
November 12, 2008 at 11:51 am
Uh, how about 32? Isn’t he creating a whole LIST of rules or tests for girls HE dates? And I wear a headband, and if my boyfriend started using hair gel I would consider the relationship to be officially going down the tubes. Don’t date women who have “hair in the wrong places” — meaning what, anywhere but the head? And no, I don’t wear skirts in winter, asshole. My warmth and health is, shockingly, more important that your urgent need to see legs.
November 12, 2008 at 11:57 am
I got bored. Really bored…and just stopped reading. Some guys need to be run over by buses.
November 12, 2008 at 12:20 pm
@Nadarine: Spot-the-fuck-on.
@The Mayor of Bethville: I couldn’t make it all the way through. Some guys need editors.
November 12, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Bonus to the bonus: Turn gay, because there is not a woman on this green and blue earth that falls outside all these parameters.
November 12, 2008 at 12:28 pm
re: #40.
He thinks New Year’s Eve is shaped by beating with a hammer with emotions and memories?
I believe the word the asshat was looking for is “fraught.”
November 12, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Trixie? I laughed through the whole thing. Yeah, some of them were kinda sexist, but he insulted himself plenty of times.
November 12, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Also, Trixie? I saw a couple of people we all know in that list.
November 12, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Oh Angie, I love you. Yes, and yes. And YES!
November 12, 2008 at 12:53 pm
This guy is a total fuckwit, and the guys who repost shit like this are total fuckwits, and they really should just DIAF.
I agree, though, this list did nothing but majorly show the ASS of whoever authored it.
@B: You couldn’t possibly mean who I think you mean, do you?
November 12, 2008 at 12:56 pm
oh yeah, THAT’S who we mean.
I’m with Cate, it’s the fact that he went ahead and wrote this tripe down, when clearly as haguenite suggested he hates woman so why fucking bother?
although I did think #2 was funny as well as any suggestions to avoid She of the Scary Yellow Baby Teeth.
November 12, 2008 at 12:56 pm
PS. He left out the following:
55. Avoid any girl who is a lesbian.
56. Also, their girlfriends/wives/partners.
57. Avoid any girl who is a feminazi bonerkiller.
58. Avoid any girl with an actual pulse.
November 12, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I give him 10 points for the Sweet Valley High reference. Minus 1000 for the list even existing at all.
November 12, 2008 at 12:58 pm
@Skinny: Pussy just called and said to put her whole delegation on this douche’s Do Not Call list.
November 12, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Oh dear. I feel so at odds with all the women I love, except of course Angie. She’s always been my favourite anyway with her southern cooking and sweet molasses accent.
You bitches.
November 12, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Yeah, that’s who we mean.
That’s right, Trixie, we are truly more evolved. Or, maybe, just older.
November 12, 2008 at 1:09 pm
@Trixie: I’d find it funny if I wasn’t sure he actually meant it. Since I think he’s being serious, I mostly just find it sad and such a waste of time.
I speak the Queen’s English. That’s a cute accent right?
Don’t answer that. I know the answer only too well.
November 12, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Haguenite: OK, so there’s the problem then. I actually think he’s kidding around.
I AM GOING TO E-MAIL HIM RIGHT NOW!
November 12, 2008 at 1:31 pm
This might have been funny if he’d cut about 75% of it. As is, he sounds like he hates all women. I mean, smells too good? WTF? Douche!
November 12, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Bonus Bonus Round: Avoid all women and sleep with me! Because my blatant misogyny makes my homosexuality blindingly obvious, and I only wrote this list to turn my best friend (with whom I’ve been in love for years) away from women and towards me AT LAST!!!
Seriously, dude. You’re a hipster. You won’t be shunned for being gay. Just admit it, to yourself and everyone.
November 12, 2008 at 1:37 pm
@trixie: if he’s joking I take it aaaaaaaall back! It’s still a bit TL;DR one way or another though.
November 12, 2008 at 1:41 pm
MsDirector: I agree. Any day now he will be walking around with one of those hipster flowers in his hair.
November 12, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I took the cocaine one as a signal that he was just kidding around. However, I have e-mailed him — we shall see, ladies! We shall see!!!
November 12, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Right. In my book, anyone who took the time to be so laboriously name-droppy and too cool for school and always-eight-steps-ahead-of-any-girl-EVER-no, really-pls.-believe-me can eat a bag of dicks.
November 12, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I have to admit I did chuckle over a few of these, like 12, 17 and 29.
Someone should send this to the entire Gawker empire in a holiday card.
November 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I’m with Trixie, I found it mildly amusing, if not a blatant attempt to get reposted on Gawker.
He was self-deprecating enough (referring to himself as an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, and not in a Proud-To-Be-Tucker-Max way) that I didn’t find it misogynistic (i.e. I didn’t catch any mention of fat girls, racism, etc).
I mean, we can do an open comment post and compose our own list of guys to avoid, and I daresay we could be a lot nastier. I give him a pass.
November 12, 2008 at 2:12 pm
i loved this post. but maybe it’s because i know who wrote it… and i’m not so sure whether he alludes to ME on any of these, there are a few that seem questionable… but if so… he’s probably right… i probably should be avoided…i’m a bit troublesome ;)
xo.
November 12, 2008 at 2:18 pm
we can do an open comment post and compose our own list of guys to avoid, and I daresay we could be a lot nastier
But. But. That’s different!
November 12, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Haguenite: It IS different! They have cocks, goddamnit!
Kidding!
I have heard from the author. He is going to come in and explain himself. His original title for the post sort of says it all. I’ll let him explain.
November 12, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Also, the tanning one? I simply do not trust women who spend a lot of time at the tanning salon. There is something WRONG there. Ditto the cleanses.
November 12, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Awww, I’m probably going to miss the live explanation since I’m knackered and ready to crawl into bed with Harry Potter (just the book, sadly), even though it’s only 8:30.
And yeah, I don’t trust tanners either. But that’s because I’m on skin cancer watch all the time (moles, wooooo) and don’t see why anyone would expose themselves to that much UV.
November 12, 2008 at 2:36 pm
@trix: I am such a hater on tanning too. I mean, I’m all for some sun exposure (under my SPF 40), but tanning salons are so ’90s and tacky and cancery/leathery.
I am strongly opinionated today.
November 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm
And fake mahoghany/orange-coloured skin … it just looks so bad. So ’80s and cheesy. I just don’t get it.
November 12, 2008 at 2:43 pm
@Trix: Here’s a weird thing that gets me. Super salon tan along with super manicured nails. I just immediately go to “stripper.” Especially if they are also wearing capris and platforms. It just happens.
I understand that these women probably look at me, “pale chick with raggedy-ass nails” and think… god, I don’t know. “Art student”? Lesbian, maybe? Whatever.
November 12, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@Feather: you? you scream “liberal arts major who enjoys farting home alone”.
but you are right about the stripper traits, I can personally attest to having both a tanning membership and french manicured acrylic nails when I was pole swinging.
November 12, 2008 at 3:00 pm
ZOMG, the author is going to come in HERE, to little old BCP, and explain his list? Is his name Paul Janka, by any chance?
November 12, 2008 at 3:15 pm
No! Teehee!
I will post his brief explanation shortly.
November 12, 2008 at 3:21 pm
@kadinsky: Wait, you used to pole dance? I did not know this.
November 12, 2008 at 3:23 pm
@Kadinsky: You know you’re dead, right? I am from the South, bitch, and I do not toot. And if I did, well, everybody likes the scent of honeysuckle in the springtime.
I’ll give you the liberal arts major.
November 12, 2008 at 3:49 pm
dude, you don’t need to go out of your way to avoid anyone, everyone is already avoiding you!
November 12, 2008 at 3:52 pm
1. Avoid any man who uses emoticons. He is not straight.
2. Avoid men who claim to have ski homes. They are using this as a front for all of the weekends when they dont’ want to hang out with you.
3. Avoid any man who reads Perez Hilton. He’s yappier than a yorkie on a tight leash.
4. Avoid any man who uses hair gel. There will be other sticky situations on your hands in time – you don’t want to start with the hair.
5. Avoid any man who doesn’t cry. He’s three weeks away from a mental breakdown.
6. Avoid any man who thinks girls don’t poop. He’ll be shocked when you are, in fact, a real human.
7. Avoid any man who won’t help you carry heavy things. He has no purpose.
8. Avoid any man who expects sexual gratification after even a drink. He hasn’t gotten laid in months.
9 . Avoid any man who is over 6′5″. Too much human.
10. Avoid any man who only wears skinny black jeans. In spite of the masses in skinny black jeans, he thinks he is unique. The self-delusion does not bode well.
11. Avoid men in pointy shoes. On a date, two people with sore feet is one person too many.
12. Avoid any man who is or was a college athlete. He thinks he is The Sun God.
13. Avoid any man who tells you when he is going to kiss you. He is insecure and you will pay for it.
14. Avoid any man who buys you a charm for a necklace, but no chain. He can’t do anything right.
15. Avoid any man who has ever spent time with a woman who excessively self-tans. The chemicals have gone to his head.
16. Avoid any man that watches what he eats more than you do. You will have no one to eat steak with because he will only take you to salad and sushi places.
17. Avoid any man who still has floppy, curly hair over the age of 22. He sleeps in He-Man pajamas.
18. Avoid any man who claims his last break up with amicable. He is a liar.
19. Avoid any man who is an insomniac. The crazy late-night emails will get old fast.
20. Avoid any man who drives a flashy car. Not for compensation reasons – though they may be true – but because he isn’t going to let you drive it. Accept that now.
21. Avoid any guy whose friends already know details about your life. He picked out your future children’s names before you went on a date.
22. Avoid any self-proclaimed playboys. They probably wear hairgel, anyway.
23. Avoid any man with a tribal armband tattoo. He is a mirage from 1998.
24. Avoid any man who makes an exaggerated point of being Irish. He thinks he is a character from The Departed.
25. Avoid any man who writes music. He doesn’t go outside enough.
26. Avoid any man who gets visibly uncomfortable around children. He has no soul.
27. Avoid any man who hates Sex and the City. He is intimidated by female friendships.
28. Avoid any man who lives in your building. Have you ever seen The Real World?
29. Avoid any man who has a crush on Pam from the Office. He’ll be intimidated if you are a. coherent, or b. not plain.
30. Avoid any man who have gotten into a great school, been offered a great job, or awarded an honor – but then turned it down. He will work this into every conversation you have. It will annoy the shit out of you.
31. Avoid any man who asks you to wear flats. He has a Naploeon complex.
32. Avoid any man who doesn’t think women are funny. He beats puppies.
33. Avoid men who liked 300.
34. Avoid any man who sends testy text messages. He has no balls.
35. Avoid any man who picks up a guitar and sings to you when you are in a room. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, he wants an audience.
36. Avoid any man who has artifacts from his past relationship scattered around his apartment. You don’t want each visit to be like a paleontology dig, wondering what you will discover next.
37. Avoid any man who you describe as “endearing.” He’s weird and you’re lonely.
Bonus round: Avoid any man who tells you he’s emotionally unavailable. He’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.
November 12, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I forgot to add the preface that here is a list of 37 men to avoid – one for every day until Christmas. After the first 37, you won’t need the last few leading up to New Year’s. By then, you will be blissfully convinced.
November 12, 2008 at 5:08 pm
M and b. jane, you make me laugh and smile!
November 12, 2008 at 5:10 pm
@b – #29 might be my favorite. well done.
November 12, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Jane, that was brilliant.
November 12, 2008 at 5:42 pm
@trixie: I admit I thought it was a joke (and funny) too! I especially liked #16 – I’m pretty bendy (past gymnastics + loose ligaments, not ballet) and have hurt a guy or two in my time.
November 12, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Lol. Am I the only one who found that hilarious? Come on, people, lighten up!
November 12, 2008 at 6:29 pm
@cate3710: mmmhmm, I’m well rounded trashy like that.
November 12, 2008 at 6:58 pm
24. Avoid any man who makes an exaggerated point of being Irish. He thinks he is a character from The Departed.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love me some Irish boys.
But sadly, this is SO true!
November 12, 2008 at 7:19 pm
this is so … Stopping By the Woods on a Hipster Evening.
November 12, 2008 at 7:25 pm
@AYL: Robert Frost is spinning in his grave at the very notion.
November 12, 2008 at 8:48 pm
“Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates.”
I think this is my favorite, as a guy’s list of 55 women to avoid certainly would never qualify as “rules or tests” for women he dates.
November 12, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Whew! I avoided all of Jane’s reasons to avoid men. Except maybe this one:
37. Avoid any man who you describe as “endearing.” He’s weird and you’re lonely.
As I don’t know how people would describe me.
In reference to the last point in the hipster’s list: does anyone know a DJ who’d make me listen to her ‘weird’ music who I can do the opposite of avoid?
November 13, 2008 at 6:10 pm
5. Avoid any girl who frequently blog about her sex life. You know how that one goes.
-Check out the column in The L Magazine: Sex and the Natural Redhead, it’s AWESOME!
6. Avoid any girl who works for a Hearst magazine. She’s about to lose her job and you’ll have to pay for everything.
–I used to work for Hearst
8. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.
-Scott is owner of The Box, say you’re there to meet him; you’ll get in and maybe get some cocaine.
9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.
-There is a girl like this in my writing class, I think it’s cute… unless it’s the girl who works at Verb Café in Williamsburg and wears the hot pink classes…she’s not that pretty anyway…
13. Avoid any girl who is a DJ. She’ll make you listen to her terrible music.
-Avoid most people who say they are a DJ, even if you’re stoned when they spin for you it will sound like crap and you’ll wish they would stop trying.
14. Avoid any girl who didn’t like “Once.” She’s dead inside.
-I loved ‘Once,’ saw it at the Sunshine theater the day it came out.
16. Avoid ballerinas. She’s too flexible and you’ll just wind up hurting yourself.
-What about yoga instructors. Specifically Bikram Yoga instructors.
19. Avoid any girl who lives within two blocks of you. It’s too soon for that kind of proximity.
-Or one that’s your roommate… even though it’s convenient.
21. Avoid any girl with tattoos in Chinese. Unless, of course, she’s from China.
-This goes for tribal tattoos as well.
22. Avoid any girl who drives in NYC. She’s already proven she’s a nutcase.
-What if she rides a scooter, or motorcycle?
27. Avoid any girl with poor hygiene or too much hair where too much hair doesn’t belong on women. If you ever attempt to help her out on this score, she’ll hate you for it. And then she’ll take all your advice and look great for the next guy she sleeps with.
- This also goes for guys…
28. Avoid any girl who is “microfamous.” Her name is Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.
-Yes, you will but maybe you’ll become “microfamous” too…
29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match. com or j-date. She’s got commitment issues, and since you’re an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.
-She’s also, probably a freaky, lame person…
30. Avoid any girl on anti-psychotics. She’ll go off her meds one day and plant a corkscrew in your ribcage.
-Or she’ll feed you some of her drugs and put cigarettes out on your while you’re passed out on Xanex. P.S. NEVER CHEAT ON THIS GIRL!!
32. Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates. She should be on anti-psychotics.
- Guys who do this should also be avoided…
37. Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.
-OMG! I totally forgot about Sweet Valley High (I love the 90’s)!
39. Avoid any girl who won’t kiss you if your breath smells like whiskey. She has oral-purity issues that are undesirable.
-What if your breath smells like Gin?
42. Avoid any girl who cries when she’s drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.
-And annoy you.
44. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.
-Recommend the book Codependency No More by Melodie Beattie
45. Avoid any girl you’ve dated before. Pace Friedrich, if the first time is tragedy, the second time will just be worse.
-Unless you acknowledge exactly what you’re getting into before hand, and are planning on moving out of town in the next 3 months.
47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.
-Yes she will, then you’ll wish you never met her… and you’ll never stop going to CA.
52. Avoid any girl you meet at an office party. She is your boss’s wife and wants to hurt him.
-Avoid anyone associated with your job.
November 19, 2008 at 6:39 am
Legendary response. Luckily for Mr. Carney, he’s MARRIED, a fact he likes to leave out of, oh, everything he does or writes about, so his list could in fact have been shortened to “1. Everyone who isn’t my wife.”