I kind of love astrology. It’s fun in that cheesy way that Clash of the Titans is entertaining and fun, while still wholly unable to shake that “guiltiest of pleasures” label. And, as shameful pleasures go, I think reading one’s horoscope and doing your birth chart or whatever ranks pretty low, while other guilty pleasures really closely border on intolerable. I used to know a couple of girls who were really into American Idol. In a totally un-ironic sort of way. It was scary, and I couldn’t hold back the snide comments while they were going over who should have won the fucking Englebert Humperdink challenge or whatever. So, one of them cattily made up a lie about how one of her “friends” worked behind-the-scenes on my favorite reality show and how it was totally rigged. She had me going for a few minutes (because I was under the impression that this gal had no good reason to tell me un-truths) before she finally admitted she fabricated the story in retaliation of my dissing on her show. Um, can I please take a moment to remind you that not only are we talking about dumb TV, we’re talking about American Idol here? The show that spawned not only Clay Aiken, but a host of other scary, self-important, talentless, bloated doucheholes with names like “Constantine”? And that you’re taking it so seriously as to make up pissy stories to defend the honor of Simon and Paula and Randy and whomever? *Wherever did this Twilight Zone music come from…*
Anyway, AI chick turned out to be one of the more annoying sort of frenemies. You know the ones I’m talking about: the ones that only call you once or twice a year to sort-of brag about whatever rad new job/car/apartment they’ve got going on. Yeah. This one liked to call me just to inform me that she’d lost weight. Um, *gives the two-handed thumbs-up* -there ya go. How about a cookie to go with that- oh, wait…. Anyway, little did I know that my free horoscope email subscription could rival the frenemy powers of even the Diet Diva…
It’s like, “Hey there, Lonely McDesperatepants! I hear you’re still hung up on that guy that dumped your sorry ass and ran off with your much-prettier-than-you younger sister. Well, that’s too bad. But, listen grrrlfren, you’ve got to stop obsessing! It’s really unattractive! When you spend our whole speed dating session crying into your appletini and moaning to anyone who’ll listen about “those damn blue eyes”, you’re kind of cockblocking me, too. Listen, how about you give me a bunch of your money, and I’ll consult this Magic 8 Ball to see if Mr. Wonderful actually does still love you, so you can continue to get your hopes up. See, the truth is written in the stars, you just need me to read it for you! I mean, mostly I just want you to STFU about “that amazing weekend in Lake Tahoe” that He took you on, like 5 years ago, but this is really all about getting you to become “emotionally available.” You need to, uh, open up your heart like in that Madonna song. I hold the lock, and you hold the keey! Opeeen your heart to meeee!
That’ll be $87.50.
November 26, 2008 at 12:36 pm
“You are particularly inspired by and sensitive to crisis situations. What that means is that you cannot stand to see other people suffer. But sometimes you yourself suffer because you don’t allow yourself to do the things you like best and the things that help you to feel fulfilled as a person. Why don’t you think about going easier on yourself? Try it just for today, and see what happens. ”
my horoscope. must be true because I am such the suffering type. SUCH AS.
November 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm
ZOMG i love clash of the titans! talking statues, a freakin’ pegasus, a noisy little mecha-owl thing…
November 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Ugh I can’t stand astrology.com and generalized astrology stuff like it. Especially since I’m on the cusp and they usually peg me as a Scorpio when, according to my real life very scientific astrologer, I was born when the sun JUST moved into Sag.
Also,Lonely McDesperatepants made me snort at my desk.
November 26, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I especially love it if my horoscope says stuff about my SO. That person does not exist and has not existed for the past 7 years, assholes. Not everyone has been freed from the shackles of singledom. Haha.
Also, any horoscope that has said anything other than “You’re so fucking busy you don’t know what to do with yourself and will sometimes fantasize about crawling into bed and never coming out, but don’t worry, you’ll manage… I guess…” for the last 3 month or will say anything other than that for the next month is LYING.
I’m ded. deddedded. HALP!
*collapses*
November 26, 2008 at 9:31 pm
What I hate about astrology is the folks who think they’ve instantly got you figured out just because they know your sign: Oh, you’re a so-and-so! So THAT’S why you do X!
Kiss my grits.
In my book, that’s just as bad as a racial or gender stereotype.
November 26, 2008 at 9:42 pm
The commercialized version, which focuses only on the sun sign, is basically worthless. If someone wants to study true astrology, it requires the birth/natal charting which is quite complicated to calculate and interpret.
November 29, 2008 at 11:18 am
h_a_l: I totally wish I could get into my horoscope, but I’m also a cusper and I think we’re a little hard to figure out. The “birthday book” is supposed to be eerily accurate or whatever, but it got me completely wrong! I was born on the first day of Capricorn, but I couldn’t be more Sag if I tried. Every book/website/armchair astrologer always tells me I am extremely organized and good with money. HA.
November 30, 2008 at 6:12 pm
But it makes so much sense that I’m an Aries.
I mean, uh…nevermind.
December 1, 2008 at 10:17 am
Clash of the Titans is one of my favorite movies of all time. True story.
Also, I used to get my horoscope emailed by Astrology.com. But it went from being a harmless little daily reading to an ad-filled bunch of shit like what you’ve posted here, so I canceled it. Suck on it, Astrology.com.