Despite having dated my share of junkies, I’ve never really understood addiction. It just doesn’t compute. Like, you really can’t stop smoking/drinking/speedballing/snorting/shooting up? Really? I couldn’t keep up any of that shit long enough to get addicted. Maybe it’s just where I’ve lived, but it seems to me like getting a fix all the time is work. You have to go get cigs even if you don’t have any damn groceries in the house and then you have to stand out in the rain/cold/snow/excessive heat in order to smoke them, liquor stores only keep certain hours so getting your drunk on requires keeping a mental timetable, coke dealers are never around where/when they say they’ll be and tracking them down is like the plot from one of those One Craaaazy Night-type movies, only at the end you’re weeping on a pee-soaked bedframe in county lockup instead of riding off into the sunset with your crush. Man, fuck, my lazy ass has enough shit to deal with. I don’t have time to do addictive drugs.
But, as we know, folks get addicted to all sorts of things like gambling, computer duster, and plastic surgery. Yet more compulsions where my sympathy quotient is about level with my understanding: dead fucking zero. But you know, I get that Body Dismorphia is a real thing, I just don’t even envision having the means to augment the slope of my eyebrows 2 centimeters or get an ass-lift that is barely perceivable while clothed. However, there is an online photoshop/simulated plastic surgery tool that is quickly becoming my crack. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous LiftMagic:
I love that the default trial photo on the site is, like, the only photo this shit could ever work on. And by “work”, of course I mean “ridiculously distort, but it could be so much worse.” But OH! Is it fun. Examples of my handiwork, after the jump!
Look it’s ME! I look… Blurry. Moving on..
What does this fantastic tool do for models who are already gorgeous?
OH MY EYES! MYYY EYYYEEEES! I’m not sure why, but this After pic reminds me of the Weird Al movie UHF. No specific character or scene, really. Just, like, the whole thing.
I could see this photoshop for dummies thing taking over social networking and dating sites. It’s going to be as big as the “MySpace Angle”, only easier to spot. Let’s see if it works:
If this guy propositioned you for sex on Nerve would you go meet him for a drink?
How ’bout now. YEAAAAH.
And finally, because it doesn’t get more funhouse-mirror-face than Angelina Jolie:
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS.GO NOW. IT’LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. EVERYBODY’S DOING IT.
January 7, 2009 at 2:14 pm
OMG, that girl with the computer duster addiction was SO SAD. I seriously do not understand how she has ANY brain cells left.
And all I need to become beautiful is to pinch all the features to the center of my face? Well, that’s handy.
January 7, 2009 at 2:23 pm
OK, so this is the thing about smoking: Yes, it is work. Also, expensive. And I really hate the feeling of just waking up after partying all night and smoking TOO MUCH so my lungs kind of hurt, but still needing a nicotine fix, and having to decide whether to smoke again even if I don’t want to or deal with pacing around my house until I feel better (That’s what I do when I have a nicotine craving I can’t fulfill: Pace.)Oh, plus it’s bad for you and you have to do it outside and it makes my car stink and stuff.
But this is the thing … I love it? It’s like I have this vice that takes 10 minutes to fulfill and in those 10 minutes (“smoke break”) I can totally be in my own thoughts anywhere I am at any time and it calms me down and REALLY does WONDERS for dealing with stress PLUS Peyton recently confessed to me that even though he hates the fact that I smoke, he sorta likes it when I smell like a cross between my detergent/shampoo/smoke and even admitted that a few minutes after I smoke my breath tastes “spicy” and he likes that too. (IT’S NOT LIKE KISSING AN ASHTRAY! THAT’S BULLSHIT!)
… Not that I keep smoking cause my boyfriend likes it but you see where I’m going.
On the plastic surge tip: That is amazing. I totally want my nose to look thinned beyond all recognition and my cheekbones to become blurred. Also, I love that you picked Jonah Hill. Cause it’s just proof that PLASTIC SURGE DON’T MEAN SHIT IF YOU’VE GOT A NECKBEARD!
January 7, 2009 at 2:27 pm
So this is something like what happens with Photoshop, no? Actually, Photoshop is more drastic and liquefying, I guess.
What a fascinating tool, but if I start playing with it I will never stop. Not showing this to my friend Ben either. He basically has body dysmorphic disorder, or at least has confessed to feeling like plastic surgery would make him way less ugly, which is ridiculous.
January 7, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Seriously, even Photobucket’s Beautify tool gives better results. See?
Okay. Not really. It’s more like a bad skin graft. But at least Photobucket has a sparly text feature.
January 7, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Okay, not see. Photo-embedding has failed me. Here, anyway.
January 7, 2009 at 2:29 pm
ugh, I forgot to express my hatred for Jonah Hill. HE IS NOT FUNNY. He’s gross and spooky because I can’t fucking tell if he’s 17 or 35.
January 7, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Natalie, I am with you 100%. It’s a gross habit, and I do it, too. One point you mentioned, though, about the 10 minute break thing, is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Because some people never see the light of day in a workday UNLESS they take a cigarette break. It’s like rewarding a smoker and punishing a nonsmoker! Therefore, when I am the boss of own multimillion dollar production company, I will require that ALL employees take 2 “fresh air” breaks, one in the morning and one after lunch. That way, everyone gets a break, and if someone quits, they won’t feel trapped in the building like all the other nonsmoking weiners. Problem solved!(?)
January 7, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I will definitely give this a try when I get home.
Faces of Meth + Fabulous LiftMagic = good times.
http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/index.html
January 7, 2009 at 5:28 pm
@kadinsky: like that fuckin andy milonakis kid!
@biscuit: speaking of addiction, whatever happened to that girl in your workplace that looked like she was withering away? did he ever get better/did anyone confront her?
January 8, 2009 at 12:06 am
OMG, I will have nightmares. Jesus Christ! This + gross Top Chef episode = Really, really, really bad dreams.
January 8, 2009 at 9:30 am
@AYL: Andy Milonakis is waaay scary! Manchild!
Also, that thing makes Angelina Jolie look like a Bratz Doll. Wrongful.
January 8, 2009 at 8:08 pm
people, stop with the botox! you look like you injected a NERVE TOXINS INTO YOUR FACE AND YOUR CELLS ARE SUFFERING AN UNHOLY DEATH! You don’t look young, you look LIKE A CREEPY CYBORG IMITATING A HUMAN WHO ONCE WAS YOUNG! why not just use liquid nitrogen and preserve your skin forever???
January 9, 2009 at 10:56 am
Yes, really, alcoholics and addicts just can’t stop. You know that voice you have tells you “This is a bad idea” or “Nah, you don’t need that” when you accidentally pick up a really expensive dress or reach for your fifth slice of pizza?
We don’t have that voice – instead it tells us “Fuck it, why not, you’re crap anyway” and eventually the substance shuts that voice up and it’s quiet enough to think.
I can’t even tell you how hurtful I find it when people express sentiments like yours. I really enjoy this blog, but your lack of sympathy for addicts wasn’t even really germane to your topic “Photoshop is Phun”
January 9, 2009 at 11:17 am
@nycblogreader: I don’t think it’s a lack of sympathy, but perhaps just a different viewpoint? BDJ is not someone who thinks addiction is funny or something to laugh off.
January 9, 2009 at 6:15 pm
M: Can I get some liquid nitrogen and preserve my skin forever? Who sells it? Walgreen’s?
I am anti-Botox but I must confess that now that I have my first truly deep crease forming between my eyebrows I have really thought about it. I met Virginia Madsen once and she looked amazing, and she looked her age, yet she told me she gets Botox between her brows twice a year because the line there made her look mad and pissed off all the time. I don’t deny those words have stuck with me and haunt my dreams.
January 10, 2009 at 4:57 am
I’m with NYC, it did not seem written as from a mere ‘point of view’ – rather, it mocked and the words clearly hurt. I venture a guess that I would never find a blog of such tone regarding another disease – lets say… breast cancer.
‘Drug addiction is a complex but treatable brain disease. It is characterized by compulsive drug craving, seeking, and use that persist even in the face of severe adverse consequences.’
I post to say, nycblogreader, you are not alone and if you even come back: I hope you get some validation here in the mere acknowledgment that this is a horrifying disease. Take care.
January 10, 2009 at 10:51 am
@nycblogreader & knifemouth:
Back up, please. The point here was NOT to make fun of people’s addictions, but I was actually trying to poke fun at my own boorishness and lack of perspective (which was exaggerated for the purpose). It’s a joke, and the joke was intended to be on me. I guess I was not successful.
However, anyone who’s familiar with my posts and my writing style knows that everything I write is meant to be taken with a *huge* grain. This is just a blog. It’s generally lighthearted and for entertainment purposes only, so keep that in mind. It’s just the internet, just one person’s words, hardly an attack on your entire being.
Oh, and BTW, there are blogs out there that poke fun at breast cancer. There are BC surviver stand-up comedy troupes, in fact. Why? Because laughter really does heal. Poking fun at serious things is a great way to make them seem less scary and more manageable. So, I guess this post that I wrote in about 5 minutes first thing in the morning between assignments at work maybe wasn’t that funny, but my point was to make people laugh, not hurt anyone’s feelings, and I really really can’t see how anyone could read this tongue-in-cheek-ass post and see a malicious intent. I think intentions count, so don’t roll up in here trying to make me look like some kind of fucking monster, OK?
Jeez, people. CHILLLLLLLLLLL
January 10, 2009 at 10:59 am
@BDJ: Very much agreed. I never took it as anything but tongue-in-cheek. And apart from that, when it comes to smoking, I actually took your non-understanding seriously, because that’s the way I feel about it.
When people try to tell me that quitting smoking is impossible and your brain tricks you into doing things you don’t want to do and OMG DRAMA it makes me want to throttle someone.
Mainly because I’ve been cigarette-free for 354 days, and I did it purely on willpower and it was tricky and it sucked (often it still does) but I stick with it because I am in control, and not some goddamn chemical.
Anyway, I got it, and I think most of us did.
January 10, 2009 at 11:12 am
@haguenite: Thank you, dear. I may be a bitch, but I don’t go out of my way to hurt people or try to belittle their problems. The point of the post is that the person with the problem is ME. I’m so effing lazy, I can’t even take up a cigarette habit. I’m so effing sheltered that I don’t really understand addiction, because I’ve never experienced it. I’ve never experienced/don’t understand a lot of things, and making fun of myself for it isn’t a crime. Dawwww. This stuff bugs, man.
Congrats on being smoke-free!! I’m so proud of you. Not that I’s know or anything, but quitting has got to be extremely trying.
Little secret: I’ve dated so many smokers in my day that I have to admit I learned to like cig-flavored kisses. Like Natalie was saying, it doesn’t taste like kissing an ashtray. And sometimes, when I smell the brand my ex used to smoke, it brings back really vivid memories. So that’s kind of cool. The only reason I’m really against smoking is that when I’m around it too much it makes me really sick, and I don’t want to see my loved ones die or get sick from smoking. But other than that, I have nothing against smokers.
So, how did you kick the habit? Patches, gum, cold turkey?
January 10, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Ha, nothing wrong with being sheltered! I never tried anything harder than pot (which doesn’t work for me, by the way). First because I didn’t come into contact with it (sheltered upbringings FTW), later because I just didn’t want to. Sure I’m curious. I also have a tendency to get addicted to shit, so I just stay away from it.
I went cold turkey all the way. It was rough for a while, but not as bad as I expected. I’ve been tempted quite a few times since, but never given in. My one-year anniversary is coming up and when it does, I’m throwing out the temptation pack that is still sitting on a shelve. I needed it to prove to myself that I was stronger than cigarettes.
The thing is, the physical stuff is over after a few days, and then it’s mental all the way. Patches and gum only help with the physical stuff, and that’s just not the hardest part of it (at least, that’s how I felt). I needed to know I could quit.
I’m not against smoking. I was afraid I’d turn into one of those rabid anti-smoking ex-smokers, but thank goodness I didn’t.
But I have gotten more judgmental. Last summer a complete ban on smoking in bars and restaurants was (finally) introduced in The Netherlands, which means smokers now stand outside, smoking. At the moment, it’s -15 (C) in certain parts of the country. It makes me want to scream LOSERS at those people.
But then I’ve always been a very judgmental person.
January 11, 2009 at 3:47 am
I’m not popping back in here to ‘try to be right’ and I didn’t roll up in here to make you look like a monster, nor did I try to imply that: if it came across that way, I apologize. I wanted nycbr to come back and see validation that she was hurt on a matter so incredibly painful for her. In her case, her brain still attacks her and tells her she’s a piece of shit. For me, I say ‘fuck off you stupid fucking disease.’
But some day, you might be horrified to find out that ‘nycblogreader’ is your beloved niece, or your best fucking friend from high school, your little brother or your own perfect child: and you’ll really want to get that it is a horrifying disease – and the people onstage making the jokes about breast cancer are the survivors. Not you, not me. That is a really important distinction and it needs to be made.
Frankly, it’s damn humble for you to say ‘it’s just a blog’ … it wouldn’t have hurt her, and I wouldn’t have bothered to comment, if we didn’t find the quality of the individuals (and discourse) here to be high; rather it would’ve been the ‘brush-off, bye’ that you give to stupid people and then you don’t come back. But you could not know that not all of you are strangers to me, I didn’t wander in here by accident to be incredibly tedious, but I think that sometimes it is worth being just that and incredibly not clever when you respect the people you are addressing and believe the topic is important enough.
Thanks for the time.