I have some questions:
1. When did you completely lose all your table manners and disregard the practice of keeping food IN your mouth while eating? You do realize the reason you choke and cough all the time is because you insist on talking while your mouth is trying to chew, yes?
2. When did you lose your sense of smell and start the daily habit of pouring half a bottle of perfume/after shave on your head? Additionally, while I appreciate your spraying of air freshener after you drop a bomb in the terlet, it is not necessary to deploy the contents of the entire can. You wanted to know why the flowers in the hallway died? It’s because you replaced all the air with Renuzit and the only choices it had were mutate or die.
3. When did you decide it would be appropriate to dig a tunnel to China, starting in your nose? I seem to recall having my hands swatted away from my face when I did this as a child, yet every time I look over at you I am greeted with the sight of your finger buried to the knuckle up your fucking nose. Followed by a complete and thorough sweep of the nostril cavity, accomplished by you rotating your finger 180 degrees in each direction. The visual is rather alarming you know, and YES, that child was staring at you and I suspect it was because it looked like you were bowling with marbles up there.
4. Why must you stand right next to me in front of a restaurant hostess and loudly fart, several times, in gas powered engine fashion? Just because you have perfected the Innocent Look when engaged in such molecular assault, does not mean the rest of the immediate vicinity did not just hear your ass make sounds akin to the ripping of bedsheets. Oh, and your remarks of, “It doesn’t stink” does not make it so.
5. Why is it necessary to click and suck on your teeth 23 hours of every day? One of you carries toothpicks everywhere and the other has removable teeth, so I am truly puzzled as to why you constantly make sounds like giant crickets. Bonus: watching you pick your molars with a steak knife!
6. Why did you bring a separate suitcase full of shoes yet refuse to walk further than the driveway? I know what you’re up to, you plan on leaving your shit at my house after you leave just to irritate me. I see you.
7. Why do you continually fall asleep in front of the TV yet refuse to take a nap or go to bed? And why do you instantly start making hissing sounds if you catch someone else napping? WHY IS NAPPING SUCH A CRIME?? Related: when you fall asleep sitting at the dinner table because you refuse to take a nap, THAT is why your fucking neck hurts. (stop blaming my pillows, kthx).
In closing, do you have a copy of my birth certificate to prove we are actually biologically related? Just curious….
September 28, 2009 at 1:44 pm
My god, we’re related, K. The older he got, the more my dad was exactly like this.
My advice to you is to start smoking up / drinking heavily.
September 28, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I think it all starts when you move out…then goes downhill from there.
September 28, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I am feeling your pain and then some. Why is my mother on Facebook? And still treating me like I’m 10? She’s coming to “take care” of me in a few days as I recover from surgery and you can bet I am saving up those painkillers to take when she’s here so I don’t have to deal with her.
September 28, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I hope it’s nothing serious and you feel better soon! (keep a little wine on hand, makes the pills last longer for those loooooong visits).
September 28, 2009 at 2:02 pm
In my family, it’s my older brother who has all the disgusting habits. He bitches that no one in the family ever calls him. Probably because he is a disgusting turd.
September 28, 2009 at 2:14 pm
My mom does the teeth sucking thing.
My dad digs through his ears with his car keys. He also makes really loud noises with his nose and now has an affinity for Axe body spray.
I guess those are the perks that come with aging.
September 28, 2009 at 10:06 pm
HAAAA. Not the demographic Unilever was going for, I bet. Your dad is hilarious.
September 28, 2009 at 5:42 pm
I’m taking up lion taming, free base jumping, and/or climbing Mt. Everest on my 60th birthday…whatever the fuck it takes to ensure I’m not around for the 61st!
September 28, 2009 at 6:53 pm
GROSS!!
It’s like you’re always a little kid in their eyes, and so you’re not going to notice or say anything because you’re watching Sesame Fucking Street or some such thing.
I don’t know, but now that my kids are older, I am going to make so sure I never, ever do anything gross in front of them. I don’t think I do many gross things, although I will confess to living room plucking in a sunny window, but now that too is stopping.
THANK YOU KADINSKY!
September 28, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Do you guys find that your parental tolerance depends on who’s visiting whom? I don’t have many problems when I visit my parents because they have their routine, but when my mom came to visit me, that was THE WORST.
September 29, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Me too, Jen. It’s because they’re out of their routine and they go mental. The older they get, the more they revert back to child-like behaviour.
September 29, 2009 at 10:30 pm
is it me or do your parents visit a lot? maybe you should tell them not to visit, tell them you need privacy to make a baby!!
September 30, 2009 at 9:16 am
ha! they actually don’t visit more than once a year, except they try and stay for a fucking month. also, the last visit was Xmas and that was for 2 weeks and I was traumatized for months.
ONE MORE NIGHT UNTIL I GET MY SANITY BACK!!!
September 29, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I’m just speechless after M’s comment.
You have to admit, it’s kind of genius.
October 4, 2009 at 4:40 pm
@SBJ: It is pure evil genius. You’re a lucky woman, to have such wiles on your side.
My parents are pretty un-gross, thank goodness. The worst from my last visit home is that my dad took up this habit of saying “mmmmmm” with his eyes closed whenever eating the dinner my mom cooked. Apparently, they’ve been trying to eat in more (I think for both health and monetary reasons) and this was his way of appreciating her, as she is quite a good cook. It squicked me out BIG TIME and one dinner I just snapped and said, “DADDY, stop doing the MMMM thing, it’s creepy!”
He looked all confused and said, “Sorry, baby, I will” and went to refill our water. I felt like the World’s Meanest Daughter until my mom leaned over the table and said, “I’m so glad you said something, I hate that MMMM thing.” Which was both sad and hilarious, as I thought she was about to call me out for being cruel. Anyway, he stopped, so all is good in the extended Tailfeather household.