For many months now, I have been playing online Scrabble with an agent of Satan. Around here, she’s known as M. In my world, she’s known as M is for Motherfucker.
The woman is a Scrabble demon. We have probably played 500 games over the past several months; I have won about 10 of them (including one six-game winning streak that briefly plunged M into a depression which only served to make her stronger and meaner). For the vast majority of our games, I have been ahead until the last turn or two. Then she calmly puts down a Q or a Z on a triple-letter score with some word I’d never heard of and I am left sputtering and cursing at the computer.
She is quiet and stealthy in her play, except when it comes time to gloat, but that’s mostly because I’ve been swearing at her for the previous 10 plays, knowing full well every game that she is plotting, scheming, lying in wait to kick my ass once again in the 11th hour. My common names for her are as follows: Whore. Bitch. Hosebeast. Ho. Fuckhead. Hookerface. Miserable fuckface. Satan. Evil!!! Evil!!!
Occassionally, she speaks, like towards the end of the game last night. The exchange went something like this:
M: Do something! You’ve screwed up the board again!
Me: I screwed up the board? You screwed up the board with your stupid MULE and your stupid LANE! And SUQ? What the hell is that?
M: How about your ISM? What the hell was that???
Me: ISM opened up a triple-word for you, you ungrateful hag. What did SUQ do for me?
M: You wasted an S! You could have had SUQ too!
Me: Hey, lady, how about for once you open the board up, huh? What, you need to BEAT MY ASS A FEW MORE TIMES? Thousands of wins haven’t been enough for you?
That was met with dead silence. I knew it was a terrible sign. Although I had 10 points on her in my final play, once again the wily Scrabble demon beat my ass down.
M haunts my dreams with her stealthy Scrabble ways. Because of the time difference, I often go to bed thinking I’ve got the game in the bag, only to wake up the next morning, while she’s still sleeping peacefully on the West Coast, to find she’s fucked me yet again.
I have threatened to fly there and rough her up, but she only giggles. In short, this Dark Scrabble Queen cannot be defeated. You have been warned.
p.s. The above photo was posted for no other reason except that it’s hilarious.
September 29, 2009 at 10:00 pm
well, you know, everyone in Mexico totally grows up playing scrabble. next time we can play a game native to your homeland. like clubbing baby seals or um, curling.
September 29, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Haaaaa. Baby seals. Does Trixie play hockey, I wonder? Didn’t our Northern brethren (sistren?) also invent basketball and baseball, or something?
September 29, 2009 at 10:32 pm
I smell pretty fur. Hm? What?! Oh, Scrabble. Right. I should totes take my turn.
September 29, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Oh, my eyes. Trixie, you “SUQ.”
September 29, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Ahem. I take issue with the assertion that M can’t be beat. I’ve beaten her plenty.
October 6, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Wow, M didn’t even bother coming in to defend herself, Red! Good job.
October 8, 2009 at 12:49 am
i’m too busy winning!
October 8, 2009 at 12:51 am
Sure you have . . . lately. But have no doubt, the tide will turn again.
October 4, 2009 at 4:51 pm
This is amazing. Trix, if you need a shot of ego boost in the arm, I will happily play online Scrabble with you. I used to think I was good, but a handful of games with my mother (a professional editor) have demonstrated how unworthy I am.
She knows more medical terms than a proper doctor, and for this, I will never Scrabble with her again.
October 6, 2009 at 10:14 am
I signed up for the app on Facebook but have never played. I think I’ll keep it that way and stick with Farmville.
October 7, 2009 at 5:02 pm
If they are playing strip scrabble, they are both either really good or really bad.
November 4, 2010 at 7:36 am
me and my brothers would always love to play scrabble every weekend, ‘
August 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm
I adore your wp design, wherever do you download it through?
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