So.  Last week I set aside a morning to do my taxes.  I have used H&R Block’s online products for several years now and have not had any problems.  I noticed when I logged in that the interface had been changed and I now was being asked to select from various products which carry a fee or the free online option.  I choose the free online option as my return for this year is very simple and will require no more than a 1040 and some state returns.

First problem:  None of my information from the prior years imported.  Okay.  I’m a fast typist and I can re-key it.

Second problem:  I try to file the federal return and there is an option page where you select how you will make your payment to the IRS.  If you want to pay online there is a link to a third-party pay site called ‘PAY1040′, except the link doesn’t work.  Okay.  I manually open the site in another window.

Third problem:  I make my payment and receive a confirmation code.  The H&R Block software REQUIRES this confirmation code in order to proceed with the actual filing of the return, but when I key it into the online system, I get an error message that the code is not valid and it stops me from filing.

Fuck.  Okay, well, I need to contact H&R Block’s support department and get this fixed.  Off I go to open a chat window and await one of their support people.  This is what happened next, note that there are no time stamps but trust me when I tell you I had to hold for almost an hour for this bullshit:

Deanne Z.: Hello Kadinsky, welcome to H&R Block’s At Home Live Chat Support! How can we assist you today?

Kadinsky: the system is not accepting the confirmation code from the PAY1040 site
Kadinsky: please advise

Deanne Z.: I’m sorry I don’t understand, please explain what the pay 1040 site is.  <—-FIRST WARNING SIGN APPEARS WHEN “HELP AGENT” HAS NO FUCKING CLUE HOW SYSTEM WORKS
Kadinsky: at the end of the federal return, you are given the option to pay your balance online with a credit card
Kadinsky: your system attempts to open a window to the pay site
Kadinsky: I completed my payment of 2009 federal taxes via the pay site
Deanne Z.: Ok, where did the confirmation code come from?
Kadinsky: it gives me a confirmation number which your system requires me to input
Kadinsky: it came from the pay site – PAY1040
Kadinsky: but when I enter the confirmation code your system tells me it is not valid
Kadinsky: and it won’t allow me to complete my filing
Deanne Z.: I apologize for the inconvenience, however this is a 3rd party site, I would suggest you contact them if their code does not work.<—-IT IS WITH RECORD SPEED THAT DEANNA Z. FILES THIS UNDER “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN LET ME TRY AND END THIS CALL”

Kadinsky: unacceptable <—-LOOK HOW QUICKLY I GET BITCHY AND DEMANDING
Kadinsky: YOUR software links to it and REQUIRES the code
Kadinsky: if I can’t complete the return using your system then HR Block owes me a refund
Deanne Z.: May I have a moment to research some information for you so we can solve this issue today?
Kadinsky: please do
Deanne Z.: Thank you for holding. I do apologize; I am still doing some research. Do you mind holding for just a few moments longer for me?
Kadinsky: sure
Deanne Z.: Thanks for holding, I have researched this information.
Deanne Z.: If you do not have a working confirmation code you have not paid the federal balance due through the website.
<—-THIS IS WHAT SHE RESEARCHED, THE PAGE IN HER H&R BLOCK MANUAL OF STUPID THAT SAYS TO TELL THE CUSTOMER THEY DID IT WRONG.
Kadinsky: I disagree – I paid the balance and rec’d the same confirmation code online as well as in a separate email receipt from the site
Kadinsky: I have printed both the confirmation page and the receipt, both very clearly show the same confirmation code
Deanne Z.: I apologize for the inconvenience, however this is a third party issue that needs to be discussed with the pay 1040 site.<—-DEANNE Z. IS DONE WITH THIS CALL.  I AM WRONG, SHE DOES NOT CARE AND SHE HAS SHIBU INU PUPPIES TO GAZE AT SO I NEED TO STOP BOTHERING HER.

Kadinsky: this is unbelievable <—-MY RAGE STARTS TO BUILD, DEANNE Z. AND HER LAZY ATTITUDE FANNING THE FLAMES
Kadinsky: HRBlock codes their program to link to and use this site but when there is a problem you just want to pass the buck
Kadinsky: so as long as HRBlock gets my fee UP FRONT I guess they don’t care about customer satisfaction

Deanne Z.: You may contact pay1040 at Phone: 1-888-877-0450<—-DEANNE Z. TWISTS IT IN AND BREAKS IT OFF, SHE HAS JUST PWNED ME

Kadinsky: thanks.  you are so helpful I might die.  and who do I contact about getting my money refunded from HRBlock?
Deanne Z.: 1-800-HRBLOCK
Deanne Z.: Is there anything else we are able to assist you with today?

Kadinsky: apparently not


Deanne Z.: Kadinsky, your satisfaction is important to me. Soon you will likely receive a short survey via email providing you with an opportunity to share your thoughts regarding your service experience with me. I would appreciate it if you can take a moment to complete the survey.

Kadinsky: …..

Now, just to be clear what a lazy shit Deanne Z. is, I called the ‘PAY1040′ site people this morning and confirmed that my confirmation code was indeed valid and that my payment had been accepted and processed correctly.  So now I have paid 2009 federal taxes for a return that still has not been filed.  On to the next issue.

Fourth problem:  Am able to skip on by the federal return which I can’t file and onto 1 of 3 state returns I have completed.  Well, it’s actually only 2 state returns because Wisconsin is in the dark ages and won’t let you file a non-resident return electronically but that’s not the issue.  Have completed Massachusetts state return but upon attempt to file, system gives me an error stating that my name does not match.  (There is an electronic signature page where you key in your name and SSN as your ‘signature’ and it needs to match what is entered at the very beginning under ‘Taxpayer Information’.  Mine matches exactly onscreen, but obviously it is not matching on the back end – hence the error).

I once again, open a chat window and attempt to get this fixed using H&R Fuckoff’s support team.  This time I get a real genius:

Jennifer H.: Hello Kadinsky, welcome to H&R Block’s At Home Live Chat Support! Please hold a moment while I review the information you’ve submitted to us.
Jennifer H.: Hello Kadinsky, welcome to H&R Block’s At Home Live Chat Support! How can we assist you today?

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Kadinsky: cannot file state return it says my name does not match

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Jennifer H.: OK ma’am would you please give me the error exactly as you see it?

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Kadinsky: error message is “Last name of taxpayer not matched with the data you entered on the federal interview.”
Kadinsky: but it is entered exactly the same

Kadinsky: my last name is hyphenated and I think this may be causing a problem behind the scenes

Kadinsky: even though I copied it directly from the federal tax payer information field


Jennifer H.: OK ma’am just one second

Jennifer H.: May I have a moment to research some information for you so we can solve this issue today?

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Kadinsky: yes

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Jennifer H.: Thank you just one moment
Jennifer H.: Ma’am is there anyway you could copy and paste the error to me?
<—-I DID THIS 2 ENTRIES ABOVE

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Kadinsky: I did

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Jennifer H.: OK thank you

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Kadinsky: error message is “Last name of taxpayer not matched with the data you entered on the federal interview.”<—-BUT I OBLIGE HER INABILITY TO READ UP AND DO IT AGAIN

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Jennifer H.: OK great
Currently experiencing network delays, one moment please…. Network connection re-established.
Jennifer H.: We appreciate your patience; I am still researching your issue. I am sorry that it is taking longer than expected. Do you mind holding for a few more moments while I find a resolution?

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Kadinsky: fine<—THIS HOLD TOOK JUST UNDER 10 MINUTES
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Jennifer H.: OK ma’am when you filled out the federal return did you put the hyphen in your name?

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Kadinsky: I have to back up and check

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Jennifer H.: OK do you mind doing that for me?

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Kadinsky: yes, it is hyphenated

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Jennifer H.: OK and are you getting this error on the stare return?
Jennifer H.: state return sorry

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Kadinsky: yes, for MA

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Jennifer H.: OK do you have two states?<—-IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER HOW MANY RETURNS I HAVE, THE SYSTEM ONLY ALLOWS 2
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Kadinsky: yes, I am waiting to complete IL after MA

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Jennifer H.: OK and which section are you getting this error

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Kadinsky: Electronic Signature and Acknowledement for MA state return

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Jennifer H.: OK???<—-ALWAYS A GOOD RESPONSE

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Kadinsky: sorry?

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Jennifer H.: NO ma’am don’t be sorry I just didn’t know what you meant by Electronic Signature and Acknowledgement for MA state return<—-AGAIN, I JUST LOVE FINDING OUT THAT YOU DON’T KNOW DICK ABOUT DOING YOUR OWN FUCKING JOB
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Kadinsky: that is the heading at the top of the page

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Jennifer H.: OK thank you

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Kadinsky: the system is requiring that the names and SSN’s for the return be re-entered as a form of electronic signature

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Jennifer H.: So you have completed the MA return? <—-DOES NOT MATTER IF I FINISHED IT OR NOT, SHE IS STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THE PAGE IS BY ASKING THIS QUESTION
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Kadinsky: I AM TRYING TO <—-FRUSTRATION CREEPING IN!  TURBO BITCH MODE ACTIVATED!
Kadinsky: it won;t accept it because of the name error

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Jennifer H.: OK but that is the return you are trying to complete?<—-BITCH, WHAT?!!?

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Kadinsky: yes, this error is coming up when trying to file the MA state return

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Jennifer H.: OK have you filled out anything in the other state return?<—-NOW SHE’S REALLY GRASPING AT STRAWS OF REDUNDANCY
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Kadinsky: the IL return has been complete but not filed as the MA return is causing problems

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Jennifer H.: OK would you please check all of the state returns to be sure on all of the name portions the hyphens are included<—-OK, SO HERE SHE IS ASKING ME TO MAKE SURE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY.  BECAUSE,YOU KNOW, A SANE PERSON WOULDN’T THINK TO CHECK SUCH THINGS BEFOREHAND BUT WHATEVER, PEOPLE ARE DUMB.
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Kadinsky: the name is the same on all returns

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Jennifer H.: OK thank you one moment
Jennifer H.: I am still researching your issue. I am sorry that it is taking longer than expected. Do you mind holding for a few more moments while I find a resolution?

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Kadinsky: fine<—THIS HOLD TOOK ABOUT 20 MINUTES

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Jennifer H.: Thank you
Jennifer H.: is this the error exactly as its shown? the system is requiring that the names and SSN’s for the return be re-entered as a form of electronic signature?
Jennifer H.: The Error that you are recieving on your end that is
<—OKAY NOW, HOW MANY TIMES DID I GIVE HER THE EXACT ERROR ALREADY?  TWICE.

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Kadinsky: yes, that is the exact error<—THIRD TIMES A CHARM?
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Jennifer H.: are you using our online program or our software program?

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Kadinsky: online<—AKA THE ‘FREE’ VERSION WHICH EXPLAINS WHY IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK AND WHY YOU DON’T FUCKING CARE
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Jennifer H.: okauy one moment please
Jennifer H.: Okay Ma’am if you have your program open can you please save and exit and then re-open and run the error check
<—AAAAAAND THIS IS WHERE I LOST IT.  WHEN SHE GIVES ME THE EQUIVALENT OF “UNPLUG IT, WAIT FOR 30 SECONDS AND TRY IT ALL AGAIN”.

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Kadinsky: the error checks have been run – there are no errors

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Jennifer H.: Okay can you please close out of your program and re-open and run the error check for your MA return please<—-AM I STROKING OUT?  THIS IS WHAT SHE JUST SAID!!

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Kadinsky: there are no errors on the MA return<—I FRACTURED THE KEYBOARD TYPING THIS

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Jennifer H.: Okay then where is it that you are seeing this error? <—IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU THE SAME THING MORE THAN 3 TIMES YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID AND SHOULD GO AWAY SOMEWHERE WHERE I NEVER HAVE TO ENCOUNTER YOU

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Kadinsky: I already told you
Kadinsky: when I try to file the MA return, the system requires the names and SSN’s to be re-entered
Kadinsky: when I do this, it gives me the error saying that my last name does not match the federal info

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Jennifer H.: Okay thank you it will be just one more moment while i research a few items, thank you
Jennifer H.: I am sorry that it is taking longer than expected. Do you mind holding for a few more moments while I find a resolution?

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Kadinsky: i don’t really have much choice, do I?<—ANOTHER 20 MINUTES OF LIFE WASTED

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Jennifer H.: I do apologize ma’am I am working as fast as I can
Jennifer H.: M’am I do apologize for the inconvenience would you please copy and paste the entire page with the error to me. The reason I am asking you to do this is I have cobrowsed and do not see the error at all
<—YOU SEE WHAT I’M DEALING WITH HERE?

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Kadinsky: I ALREADY DID
Kadinsky: you want the whole page? all the text? ok

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Jennifer H.: Yes please

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Kadinsky: “Electronic Signature and Acknowledement The Commonwealth of Massachusetts requires you to re-enter names and Social Security numbers to confirm that you have read and understand the statement below. Under penalties of perjury, I declare that to the best of my knowledge and belief this return is true, correct, and complete First Name Last Name SSN Spouse First Name Spouse Last Name Spouse SSN “
Kadinsky: that was all the text on the page – after I enter what it asks for and click ‘next’, this is the message in red:
Kadinsky: ” * Last name of taxpayer not matched with the data you entered on the federal interview. ErrorPlease enter the information to continue”

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Jennifer H.: OK would you please tell me where the error is located ma’am, because I do not see that on this paste either<—!!!!!
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Kadinsky: are you not reading what I type? AFTER I ENTER WHAT IT ASKS FOR AND CLICK NEXT I GET THE ERROR MESSAGE IN RED

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Jennifer H.: I do apologize ma’am I sent that before I read your entry
Jennifer H.: OK ma’am would you please double check your federal return and make sure your last name matches

Jennifer H.: What you entered on the “Electronic Signature and Acknowledement page
<—AGAIN SHE ASKS ME IF I KNOW HOW TO SPELL MY MOTHERFUCKING NAME

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Kadinsky: I have done that

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Jennifer H.: So you are positive that what you are putting on the “Electronic Signature and Acknowledgement page matched the info on the federal return?<—AM I POSITIVE?  ACTUALLY NO, I WAS JUST PULLING YOUR LEG THIS WHOLE TIME, JENNIFER H.  I ALSO LIKE TO RUB CHEESE GRATERS OVER MY EYEBALLS JUST FOR FUN.

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Kadinsky: I already told you twice before that my name is entered in exactly the same way and the system is still giving me an error.<—LOOK HOW PATIENT I AM BEING

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Jennifer H.: OK ma’am I do apologize
Jennifer H.: I apologize but at this time I do not have any additional information available to me to further troubleshoot this matter.   I would like to escalate your case to our next level of support so that we can get this resolved for you.
Typically, you should receive a response back within 2 business days by phone or e-mail with further instructions. Would that be okay?
Jennifer H.: Would this be ok with you?

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Kadinsky: no, it is not okay. I am flabbergasted at the extremely low quality of service HRBlock has. this is the 2nd time today I have chatted with one of you in an attempt to file my very simple tax returns.
Kadinsky: your department has failed to help both time
Kadinsky: instead I have had my afternoon wasted by answering the same questions over and over

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Jennifer H.: I do apologize ma’am but I do not see how you could call this low quality, when I have tried every way possible to help you. I am asking to send you to a higher level of support so your issue can be resolved<—EVERY POSSIBLE WAY HUH?

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Kadinsky: YOU ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTIONS OVER AND OVER
Kadinsky: for all your “researching” what did you provide? nothing.

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Jennifer H.: I do again apologize ma’am asking questions is how we resolve issues I never meant to offend you in any way<—–HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  “ASKING QUESTIONS IS HOW WE RESOLVE ISSUES”, IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT WE ASK RETARDED AND USELESS QUESTIONS – WE ASK THEM!!

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Kadinsky: oh, child.  you personally did not offend me
Kadinsky: it’s your company and it’s laughable idea of “online help” that is offensive
Kadinsky: as is the fee they charged me for doing absolutely nothing

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Jennifer H.: Thank you ma’am would it be ok to escalate your case so your issue can be resolved

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Kadinsky: you can escalate this case directly up someone else’s ass because it won’t be mine.

I let this sit for the weekend because I was that pissed off that I needed 2 days to recover and be able to focus on this again.  This morning I called H&R Cocksuckers, got someone on the phone, told her I wanted a refund for the issues above and she put me on hold.  When she came back about 6 minutes later, she told me my card had been credited for the full amount, no argument required.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

I guess I’m….satisfied?

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