I live in Vegas now and one thing Vegas has a lot of is nudity. I was reminded of this (as if one could forget) last night as I was sitting about 10 feet from the stage at a middle-of-the-pole strip joint. The girls were alright looking, all had put some effort into hair and make-up and kept their skin looking fairly smooth (red lighting is your friend, girl) although I would say the ratio of Buttahfaces to Hotties was about 4 to 1. There seemed to be a lot of the Tiger Woods Selection of strippers on deck last night, and the ones who didn’t make you want to put on your beer goggles all looked hella aggravated. Lookit, it’s not easy to be up there all night, night after night, trying to look ‘exotic’ or ‘ravishing’, especially when you consider what working conditions the average stripper has to put up with. So this is what I was thinking about as I waited; the ugly expressions so commonly found in strip clubs and the usual causes of them. I reached back to my days in a thong and came up with Top 5 Complaints of a Stripper:
- Losers that camp out in the front row and grease up the rail with their skeevy, sweaty hands while carefully parsing out 17 dollars in singles. Wow. Hey. Careful. Don’t hurt yourself putting that one dollar bill out there for the girl who’s been dancing 3 song sets all night.
- This one used to annoy me purely out of principal – strippers that hit the stage looking fine as hell until you get down to her feet and her toes are hanging on for dear life to those Bakers platform heels, looking like swollen shrimp cocktail. Get those bear claws outta here, girl!
- So you get a lapdance from a stripper and sit back to enjoy the show. You know you can’t touch her but you’re so convinced that what she secretly wants is for you to palm your grimy, ragged hands all over her ass so instead you think you’re slick and you slide your finger under the band of her thong and tug on it. Then when she whips her head around to see what the fuck your retarded ass thinks you’re doing, you smile all stupid like and ask her, “You like that, huh?” No, fucker. She didn’t enjoy a band of elastic cutting her in half while you eyeballed her asshole – surprised?
- You know what’s creepy? You calling a girl over to your table of 4 with no extra seating available and expecting her to perch on your knee while you bounce her up and down against your balls and try to play patty-cake on her tits with your face. Either pay her for a dance or follow her back to VIP – she’s not a fucking accessory.
- Oh, you REALLY think you’re being crafty, don’t you? You think you’re a fucking genius when you roll up to the club in commando mode, or wearing some silky shorts, figuring that when she grinds on you it’ll be just like her rubbing on you naked. First of all, you ain’t slick, she knows exactly what your game is and secondly, you putting your tiny dick front and center sans padding only confirms what she already knew – you’re hung like Jon Gosselin and too cheap to pay for a booth. Fuck off.
This concludes the community service portion of my probation (I’m lying).
February 24, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Now I almost feel shitty for all those times I grabbed your ass and called you “Sugartits” without slipping so much as a 5-spot into your g-string as I yanked that shit like a teenager yanks his johnson.
February 24, 2010 at 5:49 pm
hush, Daddy, you know I gave you all the champagne room sex you wanted.
February 24, 2010 at 6:10 pm
I said “almost,” so I wasn’t actually apologizing.
And you didn’t give me *all* I wanted . . . what are you wearing now? Grab a bottle of tequila and get your ass over here.
February 25, 2010 at 5:45 am
As someone who’s never been in a strip club, I have been thinking lately that it’s an experience I should have. What should I expect if I get a lapdance. For real.
February 25, 2010 at 10:57 am
basically you will sit there trying to decide where to aim your eyes (it’s normal to look or stare, just don’t sit there with your jaw hanging open) and remembering to keep your hands in place. she will lean on you, straddle you, bend over about an inch from your face and wave her ass around. she may kick her leg up on your shoulder, she may lean back on the table/stage and spread her legs in front of your face, she will almost definitely flip and swish her hair around your face because you are a woman (I don’t know why this is, it just is). if you get a private dance it will be more of the same but at a more intense level. sometimes you will find she wants to chit chat with you and thinks because you are a chick that you’ll talk rather than watch which means she won’t really need to dance – this is a classic lazy stripper move, she can talk through the song only getting up at the end, at which time she will make a face like she’s all sad that the song ended and she can’t dance for you anymore oh but if you pay for another dance she can stay right here (and trick you all over again).
so feel free to ignore her attempts at convo if you don’t want to talk and would rather she just do her thing – she’ll get the hint.
February 25, 2010 at 9:23 am
There is nothing sadder than a dude in a strip club who actually thinks the stripper wants his lame ass.
March 1, 2010 at 12:45 pm
My brother is convinced every chick who lap-dances him starts liking him.
February 25, 2010 at 9:40 am
We went to a strip club once, seeking out my friend’s boyfriend. He always went there 3 nights a week to sample their “chicken wings”. We thought that was code for I am dating one of the dancers , so we drove up there on a mission, ready to cuss a mofo out. We pulled up to some sketchy club in a dark, remote corner of PHX ready to get rowdy, and dude wasn’t there.
The place was kind of meh, but their drinks were good. Me being me, asked one of the girls why there were no women of color dancing there and offered to be their “affirmative action” dancer. She explained to me the ropes and I was shocked to find out that the ladies had to share their tips with the owner, the dj, the bouncers and the bartenders. She also said that I had to register with the county as an independent contractor for tax purposes. WHAAAT??
The boyfriend never showed up and we eventually left.
February 25, 2010 at 11:04 am
it’s always fucking “chicken wings”, isn’t it? so funny. my dad used to tell me all the time about the strip club he would go to for lunch. LUNCH. when the oldest, saggiest, hounddoggiest looking strippers are on. he took my mom there one day and she was thinking they were like, really going to lunch (not at a strip bar). she was not amused.
but yeah, strippers are all independent contractors which most like as no one properly declares all their cash earnings anyway. there is usually a tip pool they have to contribute to before they leave their shift. in Houston when they first “licensed” strippers, they made you go get a state issued ID card and you were supposed to wear the badge at all times which is a supremely dumb idea. first of all; where the fuck are you gonna hang a badge when you work in a thong and heels? (ow, my nipple). and secondly; the damn things had your real name on it, just the kind of info you want to dangle in front of the creepsters that stare at you.
February 25, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I went to the Hustler club in New Orleans for a bachelor party a few years ago and was totally skeeved out… by the clientele. While sexual orientation is not a “choice,” I could sort of see a correlation between the job and the fact that the small handful of female strippers I’ve known have been queer to one degree or another.
Coincidence? Probably. But you could sure walk away with a pretty negative view of men in general after spending some time in a strip joint.
Additional note: I ended up having a couple of drinks with one of the girls who put on an incredibly athletic show – she was AWESOME, climbed about 30 feet in the air. It was like Cirque de Soleil, so I gave her lots of whistles and applause, as well as a ten-dollar bill. She said that women always tipped better than men, which surprised me, but probably shouldn’t have.
February 25, 2010 at 3:57 pm
BEST. RANT. EVER.
I want this Top 5 to wiggle around in my lap but, you know, I respect you too much.
February 25, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Fascinating.
February 26, 2010 at 8:13 am
Oh my! I had no idea stripping was like this. I’m too scared by the skeezers to ever go into a strip joint. I remember though hearing some meathead brag about wearing sweatpants to the place for “optimal” pleasure. Fucking GROSS!
February 26, 2010 at 10:35 am
You really should write a book Kadinsky, awesome post!