Recently I was forced onto Facebook under my own name by my company, which wants its employees to have social media profiles. For about three years or so, I’d been on FB under a fake name, mostly just to stay in touch with my far-flung girlfriends who are generally like-minded about most things.

But now, I’ve been forced to accept as friends people who are mere professional colleagues, for the most part. And I am starting to hate many of them.

Who knew that polite federal employee who has always been helpful to me was a Glenn Beck fan who frequently posts links to that jackass’s show on his wall? He’s now been hidden from my newsfeed, but even so, sometimes I can’t help but go and look, and the comments of support on his wall from right-wing lunatics who believe the Tea Party people are the way of the future have honestly caused my blood to boil. The things these people believe are frightening, erroneous and fucked up. I must refrain, however, from taking them on because I am now representing my company.

The status updates from the lovelorn are almost equally horrifying. I dearly want to write “Honey, have some pride, you are embarrassing yourself” but, again, I am now an ambassador for my company and cannot publicly call someone out for being a pathetic tool.

The childhood friend, now insane, who made reference to a past illegality on my wall didn’t get off so easy. I sent her a pointed message reminding her that many of my bosses and professional contacts are on my Friends list, so can she please buy a clue.

Then there’s the work colleague who I long  suspected was an asshole and now I know for sure. He’s been posting for days about his hay fever struggles here in D.C., the Flowering Tree Capital of the World. I left a message expressing sympathy, since I used to suffer horribly back in Canada, but miraculously I have not been affected one bit by all the exotic pollens since I moved here almost two years ago. His numerous retorts were along these lines: “Just you wait!!! It takes two years to kick in!!! You’ll be begging for mercy!!! Just you wait!!!! It’s going to happen to you and it will be hell!! Mark my words!! You’re a fool if you think it won’t happen to you!!!” What the fuck? How about: “Lucky you, I wish it wasn’t affecting me this way.”

There are also the many, many creepazoids from high school who have found me and are requesting my friendship. When I ignore them, I get nasty messages asking me why? Why, Jeffrey from Grade 10 German class? Because you were a dickhead when you were 15, and clearly you’re still a dickhead now.

I kind of hate Facebook. Thankfully, however,  I can at least hide all the annoying people from showing up in my newsfeed. Now if only I could figure out a way to stop my painkiller-addicted friend from posting weird and damning shit on my wall at 4 a.m. short of unfriending her completely and causing World War Three.

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