You know what my dating philosophy is? Until we have the Big Talk about going exclusive – and I believe in a minimum of three months of test drives before I make a purchase – I am Single and Dating. I might be having dinner with someone else. I might be shagging them. I might be sitting at home eating pickles out of the jar with a mud mask on my face. I might be trying out for roller derby. Most likely, I am drinking. But one way or another, it’s not really any of your business.
Basic ground rules include:
1) I will not pretend that I am seeing you exclusively.
2) Nonetheless, I will not be sharing details; nor will I ask them of you (DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL, if you like your phrases catchy).
3) Don’t trample all over my heart, and I will attempt to not puncture your own with my sexy, sexy stillettos.
4) We will refrain from saying “I love you,” no matter how intoxicated on drink, drug, candlelight, or screwing we may be, because this leads to unnecessary confusion and usually crying.
5) I will always use a rubber, with or without you, and expect you to do the same. Similarly, Blowjobs are for Boyfriends (TM). We will not be oral sexing because contrary to what you’ve not learned in your abstinence-only sex ed program, oral is an expedient way to share disease and does, in fact, “count.”
6) I will not query your previous number of sexual partners, and you will not ask mine, because nobody ends up happy or wants to think of themselves as #8 or #123. And anyway, we’re both lying and we both know it.
7) Any Spare Toothbrushes Unknown to You in my possession will be hidden before you enter my abode; likewise, please ensure that any foreign bras are unobtrusively located and will not become tangled around my ankles at the bottom of your bedsheets. This is called courtesy.
8) We will not talk on the phone every day. We will not see each other every night. We will not abandon our friends, hobbies, and lifestyles to wrap ourselves in a coccoon of infatuation that is illusory, fleeting, and ultimately embarrassing. We will avoid overly affectionate nicknames and discussion of long-term plans to a) swim with the dolphins in Cabo b) run with the bulls in Pamplona c) babysit your sister’s children for a weekend d) roadtrip in a Winnebago or e) other excessively romantic and “coupley” activities. Joint trips to the supermarket should be undertaken carefully, lest I playfully chuck frozen tacos into your cart for dinner or you sweetly try to replace my Lean Cuisines with fresh pasta and zuchinni in an attempt to better my diet. Dogwalking while holding hands, while acceptable, should not occur more frequently than twice a week.
9) Babies will be discussed only in the most abstract terms possible. They may be referred to as “critters.”
10) In the event we find ourselves in Big Talk territory, we will quietly but definitively severe any remaining romantic complications and progress to Phase 2. Additionally, full sexual health screenings and subsequent disclosure are mandatory, because I believe in both romance AND chlamydia. “Love in the Time of Gonnorrhea” was not on my high school reading syllabus and will not be in my bedroom without my informed consent.
And yet, I screw up every time. I don’t abide by my own rules or consistently subscribe to my own philosophy because the water in actual relationships is a lot muddier than expected (not to mention full of snakes, undertows, and probably nuclear waste). When you fall for someone, you fall, no matter how cynical you thought you were or how prickly your exterior. More to come, but first: What are your Rules of Engagement?
March 25, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Easy…. tell the truth to myself and just hope for the best.
March 25, 2008 at 9:02 pm
It’s been so long since I dated that I don’t even know what my rules are anymore, I honestly don’t.
But I know I will forever be skeeved out by anyone who tells me he loves me after two weeks, as my ex did. He has spent a lifetime confusing lust for love and I paid a dear price for it, as did his other two wives and so will his next. So if anyone throws that word at me too soon, I get completely weirded out.
This post is fantastic. I think I love you. When I do start dating, I am going to make many of these rules my own.
March 25, 2008 at 10:49 pm
At this point my only dating rule is please don’t show me your hairplug scars.
Cause seriously, this shit happened to me last week.
PS Love in the Time of Gonnorrhea is pure genius. And I am so on board with #5 it’s not even funny.
March 25, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Tailfeather-
you are awesome.
I had random rules. If you don’t go out with my when I ask then fuck you I am getting drunk with my girls and I may hook up. Your loss cause you want to play Playstation.
I will not break plans for you. you give me a week in advance or you wont get a beej when you want it.
If I drink you under the table- you probably need to leave. Cause i need a real man to keep up with me.
Well i threw out the rules when i met my husband. We married 6 months after we became exclusive. And its going on 3 years. Yay.
March 25, 2008 at 11:47 pm
:)
Good read! Thank you!
March 26, 2008 at 12:48 am
1: if you are even slightly weirded out at my eating habits (my hugely hungry, ravenous, non-“ladylike” orders), you can go fuck yourself, because I love food of all kinds, probably more than I love you.
2: I will not leave my makeup on as I sleep to keep up any sort of illusion. Appreciate me sans mascara, or not at all.
3: Please be able to do your laundry without supervision.
4: Please be able to order wine with some semblance of knowledge, and if you don’t really know much about wine, either be able to fake it and go with your fallback or just let me do it.
5: Appreciate my shoes.
*the bf is currently good on all of the above, sans #3. We’re working on that laundry issue.
March 26, 2008 at 2:25 am
As I am a male, my main rule of engagement is to try to get some engagement. (^o^)
But seriously, living in Japan makes me really sick of any sort of rules relating to human interaction because:
1) I never seem to know what they are
2) anyone who tells you the rules may just be following a rule (in telling you) and the rules they tell you are not the REAL rules anyway
3) nobody tells you the REAL rules
4) Even if there are rules (REAL or otherwise) they seem to ignore them all when you are in private…. (that is another rule, though)
March 26, 2008 at 10:39 am
Oh man, The Rules of Human Interaction in Japan make me crazy. And they make the Japanese crazy, too, so I don’t even see the point. My good friend is Japanese, and the only time she ever had a boyfriend was during her 2 years in the States. Japanese men are such scared little babies when confronted with strong, smart, independant women that nobody’ll touch Yayoi with a 10 foot pole. /rant
Anyway, I have no rules for relationships. My only rule for myself is to go with my gut and SCRAM the second I get a creepy feeling/warning sign/douche red-flag. Everytime I’ve ignored my gut I’ve paid dearly for it. But, so far I’ve flown by the seat of my pants into a marriage-bound, happy relationship, so whatevs.
March 26, 2008 at 11:12 am
yes, the local guys are a bit spineless… but, maybe it is because I have a ten foot pole that the girls are scared of me. Sorry, i couldnt resist that.
March 26, 2008 at 11:56 am
BDJ: That is good advice — scramming when the douche red flag goes up. I totally ignored very loud alarm bells at one point. Really regret that I did.
March 26, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Yeah, Kit, I walked right into that one.
March 27, 2008 at 12:25 am
Although it has been awhile since I dated, when I was on the market I dated a lot. I totes agree with all the rules set forth by Tailfeather and may just have to print them out for Emily when she gets old enough. Perhaps a nice cross stitch framed for her dorm room.
So first I would have to say a girls gotta eat. So date, date a lot and many.
I would also say I always felt more power and control when I had on the hottest lingerie, odd but true.
Sex is NOT intimacy and intimacy is NOT sex. Just because I have sex with you does not make us intimate.
Also BDJ my lovely panda friend so right you are, always follow your gut instincts. Your heart will confuse you and your head can lie to you but, your gut will never steer you wrong. If something feels “off” about it when you are with him, the universe is telling you something.
Lastly I must say just because you are attracted to someone or even if you love them, that doesn’t always mean that you should be with them.
Oh and tend the gardens.
March 27, 2008 at 9:23 am
Okay, I wrote some:
http://kitanomaru.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/10-male-honest-thoughts-on-dating/
March 27, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Rule #…whatever!
I do not consider it a “date” if you:
A) Happen to just tell me about a party that you know about and I show up.
B) Me watching you watch [fill in the blank] sports, reality TeeVee or any video game.
C) Show up on my doorstep at 3:00 a.m. after a night out with your boys.
Aw, hell no.
Word, BDJ, on the gut feeling. The Goddess gave us intuition, we better bloody use it!
March 27, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Tailfeather, this is hilarious. I’ve gotta say, I kicked three guys to the curb for breaking those rules, but Mr. Blondegrlz did the same thing and I let him stick around. I think once you find someone you really like, or even fall into mutual love-lust-infatuation with, you can’t even remember the rules. You only realize you’ve broken them all after you get married in Vegas or have three kids or are celebrating your 15th anniversary.
March 28, 2008 at 6:13 am
My hub of 20 years broke rule #4 with a proposal of marriage after only 8 wks from the first date. So, you never know!
March 29, 2008 at 12:20 am
The man I was supposed to marry told me he was leaving me for the deaf-in-one-ear redhead right after some good sexin. Why do they do this? Anyway, I gave his expensive bikes to the Salvation Army, called the man I am now married to for some follow-up sex, and now he and I could buy and sell man #1 and his cripple-in-one-ear wife if we ever felt like it. Which we might.
I have no dating rules, other than never pay. Ever.
October 13, 2009 at 3:56 pm
[…] a big fan of commitment, this is a big deal for me. It took eight months of dating before I could use the word “boyfriend” – I actually just prefer to call him my “person” or even “partner,” […]