Every year when a gift giving occasion such as a birthday, anniversary or overly marketed ‘religious’ holiday like Christmas rolls around, my Dad gives some weird ass presents. YeahYeah, we all know it’s about the ‘spirit’ of things and not the actual gift that you receive, and I don’t love my Dad any less because of it – but trust me when I tell you that I secretly kinda hate having to bring home all the junk that I get from my Dad at Christmas. (Dad, I love ya, but I don’t now nor will I ever have need for a leather billfold wallet with attached chain, nor a set of yellow ratchet tie downs or even that contractors pack of triple toggle wall plates).

Along with various, completely random and unusable items my Dad is big on gifting magazine subscriptions. These will normally be to sponsor riddled publications like Prevention or Best Life, thereby ensuring that my mailbox becomes bulimic with all the fucking Denise Austin/Bob Greene/Hints from Heloise/Flatten Your Belly!/Managing Diabetes book offers that spew forth in parasitic manner. The National Geographic stuff I don’t mind as much ‘cuz the Adventure magazine is pretty cool, but I rarely have time to read mags anymore so they all end up in the Designated Mag Storage Location, otherwise known as ‘on top of the toilet in the guest bathroom’.

Every now and then the house is quiet and I find myself in the Designated Mag Storage Location with um, a few minutes to spare, and I come across something in the reading material that strikes me as interesting or useful. Hence, a new feature is born.

Today’s eye catcher comes from that group of testers who love to do all the work for us lazy bastards, Consumer Reports. I actually like Consumer Reports, I used to have a subscription to the web site but I found that I didn’t need it often enough to justify paying for it every month (even though they don’t charge very much for it). Not to worry though since I’m pretty sure my Pops has like, 8 subscriptions to them at this point – and he’s old skool too, so you could totally expect to see multiple issues of the same magazine at his house every month, he’s better than any doctors office.

Anyway, when I think of stuff that CR reviews I think of things like appliances, lawn mowers, cars, fitness equipment, electronics – shit like that. But bras?? I guess there’s nothing the good folk at CR will not turn their objectively critical peepers on, observe: (click to enlarge)

Consumer Reports reports on your tatters

My Jezebel girls will remember these discussions from back in the day (‘member them? the good old days on Jez when the posts were relevant and fresh and challenging and the commentary was even more so? and today it’s like sitting in the back of fuckin’ detention hall), so anyway it’s not exactly a shock to see that an overpriced shitty VS bra gets called out for crap materials, but the La Perla was a bit of a surprise.

So, is anyone wearing this Tarzhay flopper stopper? Tell us what you think.