My marriage has been done for almost a year and a half now, and yet still I have bad moments that arrive out of the blue and stun me with their ability to knock the wind out of my sails for a day or so. And it’s often the most innocuous thing that can set me back.

Tonight it was the revelation by my daughter that my ex has changed his iTunes password. It used to be an amalgamation of some of the kids’ names. When he left, he assured the kids they could still buy the odd CD off iTunes; the password would remain the same. In 18 months, they never took him up on the offer until tonight. My daughter tried to go in and the password had changed. She told me this very matter-of-factly, and it didn’t matter, because I have my own iTunes account that she could log onto, and yet it hurt so badly that I have been down and depressed about it all night. Which causes me to think about what went wrong in the marriage. Which causes me to remember the emotional wringer I was put through in the final year, the push and pull, the “I love you, I hate you,” the “I am leaving, I am staying” as my husband, I guess, weighed which one of his two women that he loved more. Which gets me angry. Which gets me down, and the misery goes round and round in a circle.

My shrink assures me this is all very normal, to still feel sudden spasms of terrible pain and anger and misery, and that I should just ride it out. Don’t try to repress it. Just feel it for awhile, own it, accept I have a right to feel this way, and then move on.

I just so long for the day when hearing his name or anything about him doesn’t leave me feeling so awful. Sometimes I even ponder hypno-therapy. Just going into some kind of trance and having someone exorcise me of him. Has anyone ever tried such a thing? I have heard of people quitting smoking that way, and wouldn’t mind quitting heartbreak. It’s a terrible affliction.

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