Since I relocated to the UK, my mother has routinely sent me lovely care-packages of books, American magazines, and most importantly, products from home. The comfort and familiarity of brand-loyalty is never stronger than when one finds oneself on foreign soil and unable to purchase a bottle of ibuprofen containing more than 16 pills. Thank you, British Government, for protecting me from myself, but honestly? If I had the bad judgment to off myself with a paracetamol overdose, wouldn’t I just visit multiple stores? And if I’m an irresponsible enough parent to leave tempting, candy-like pills within childhood grasp, can’t we also assume that the broken booze bottles on the floor, unneutered Rottweiler, and forks sticking out of the unprotected wall sockets are a more imminent danger?
My co-workers alternate between amusement and puzzlement over these care-package items (in December, it was a ten-pound box containing nothing but cold medication – yes, I know you have cold medication here, but my American generic Walgreen’s Sudafed is VASTLY SUPERIOR and there is nothing you can say or do to sway this staunch belief). They WERE noticeably impressed by my bottle of 200 Advil, however, as they’ve never seen the like, and now everyone with a headache or period cramps in the office makes a pitstop at my desk (the company itself can’t stock painkillers for legal reasons). At my office in America, we had gallon-sized bottles of Tylenol and Advil which were replenished monthly. Assumedly, our insurance also covers any subsequent bleeding ulcers.
Which brings me to my ultimate though meandering point: Durex seems to have a stranglehold on the condom market here, at odds with the luxurious pleasure selection of my hometown Target. After visiting multiple chemists and franchises, I have yet to find an alternative besides “Mates” brand condoms (a name that does not inspire confidence and is surely only purchased in some sort of desperate, 3:00 am, banana-flavored panic when the bathroom vending machine has malfunctioned and swallowed your last pound).
One dear friend thoughtfully mailed me some Trojans ultra-ribbed with spermicidal lubricant (three packs of 36, you hero), which served me well until recently. I have since been forced to resort to Durex, a brand that, while I’ve never been partial to, have never had specific complaints about. Especially because they were free in the college health clinic.
That has all changed. UK Durex is made of tougher or less sensitive stuff than the Durex of my previous experiences. In fact, after a recent, tissue-tearing tryst, I proclaimed it the Rapiest Condom Ever, much to the horror of my partner. People, I did a finger test – the lubrication problem was not on my end. Not one to judge TOO harshly, I’ve embarked on this experiment multiple times, with varying amounts of KY, and the result is always the same. FUCKING OUCH IF YOU DON’T FINISH SOON WE WILL NOT BE SEXING FOR A WEEK.
Using a thorough, journalistic approach that requires no more than two minutes of my time, I’ve Googled Trojan’s website and found that the brand is available online via Boots. Grateful though I am, I am perplexed by the Durex monopoly, as well as the seemingly poor-quality of the product. An informal poll of my female colleagues yielded results such as: “It does feel rapey! I thought that was normal, though, with condoms” and: “There are other brands?”
I think this could go a long way towards explaining the distressingly high rate of STDs like chlamydia here, as well as the number of teenage girls I see on the street pushing prams and looking insolent. Obviously, more research is necessary, and I will happily rise to the challenge but for the moment, I offer the Durex executives the following commercial slogan:
“Durex – Perhaps not the UK’s rapiest condom, but it sure feels like it!”
April 13, 2008 at 3:55 pm
No wonder the Brits are rumoured to have boring sex lives.
Also: I guess asking your mother to send the good condoms would be out of the question, right?
April 13, 2008 at 4:06 pm
@trixiefromtoronto: As good a place as moms and I are in lately, I think this might toe the line. I thought about it, though!
April 13, 2008 at 4:09 pm
She wouldn’t appreciate that you are practising safe sex?
And can you order a crate online and have them delivered?
April 13, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Your dear friend, the aforementioned ‘hero’ would be delighted to send another barge of the good rubbers, however please be advised the ciggies may not be making the trip *cough* new years resolution *cough*
April 14, 2008 at 3:54 am
My vagina hates spermicide. Come to think of it, so does my mouth.
April 14, 2008 at 4:47 pm
this is obviously the next step from lie back and think of the queen.
April 14, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Brilliant! I have one pack of Durex from the UK and I hate them. Your extensive research explains it all.
Also, I could not me more psyched about the growing presence of both Boots and Paperchase here in the US. It’s about time.
April 14, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Okay, your posts make me wish I had met you before you left Austin. *sniffle* All the cool people are bailing on Big A.
Kindred spirits, friend, kindred spirits.
April 15, 2008 at 12:18 am
Oh Trojan ultra thin lubricated, how I love thee!
April 15, 2008 at 7:08 am
What a fascinating post! Educational, too, I guess, in case I ever find myself whoring around the UK… Best of luck and have fun as you conduct more research.
April 15, 2008 at 3:25 pm
See, I can’t abide either Trojans or Durex. I think my ‘jay is allergic to something in the Trojans, and all of the US Durexes broke on me. I swear by the Lifestyles brand in the light blue box. Not the grey box, which stretch out during the deed and make it feel like you’re doing it with Saran Wrap and duct tape. Blue box, y’all!
April 16, 2008 at 1:59 am
omg! us american durex all broke on me, too!
shit, now i totally owe someone an apology…i said it was the way he was fuckin’.
(poorly).