Uh, so my last post about my wedding registry was a bit of a hissyfit. Sorry about that. But I needed to vent. This whole “getting married” steez is a little off-putting when you’re decidedly not the type of girl who’s had her One Perfect Day planned out since the sum of her romantic experience didn’t exist outside of the Barbie Dream House (if those walls could talk, baby!). I mean, I don’t want to approach this topic as if I’m the only un-bride-y bride to ever wed in the history of the world EVAR, but for realsies? This shit isn’t easy when you’re a cynical, misanthropic bitch who just wants a pretty dress, a booze-addled party, and a trip to the Caribbean with a sexy husband-type man when it’s all over.    

    Related: when researching images for this post, I realized that were it possible, I’d like to dump Mr. Panda and marry the fucking internet. I mean, Mr. Panda is a funny bastard does who whatever I ask of him, but there’s no way he can deliver instant gratification like this: soapwedding.jpg

Seriously, internet, the level of service is incredible. You get a 100% customer satisfaction rating from me.

Moving on, I’ve successfully completed an internet-only registry from Crate & Barrel. Please to be viewing the wishful thinking (this is a Recession Wedding, after all) after the jump.

 Okay, so my Macy’s registry was gonna be all French cottage-y, Martha chic with a side of modern Chinoiserie, but  my backwater-ass Louisiana family really couldn’t afford that crap anyway, so my C&B registry is very no-nonsense modern. To tell the truth, I like it so much more. Without futher ado, my kitchen porn: 


Celadon dishes. Perfect for our wee little 1/2 Korean family! 

 Oona flatware. Things That Make You Go, “Ooo”? 

Old school Bialetti espresso percolator = not for prIssy bitches who need frothed milk. 


Fucking napkins with fucking birds on them. Why? Because I can. 


This little guy is seriously my favorite. Who needs some frilly, delicate Marie Antoinette shit when you can sip your darkest of brews from stainless steel? These little babies are just so damn sexy.  


The above are a few of my favorite things, but trust that my registry is filled up & fattened out like a blue ribbon sow, complete with celebrity-endorsed shit I probably don’t need. But you know what? It’s really hard to get mad about celebs “branding” everything with their likeness when they’re so fucking charming about it. For the uninitiated, I give you the Mario Batali Spoonula:


Equal parts spatula and spoon, this baby is fully loaded to do whatever naughty things you’d like to do that probably involve batter. Did I register for one? The fuck YES I did.


And you, you fucking fat fucking ginger goddamn bastard- Look at this chef. Will you just look at this goddamn orange goddamn chef? His ass is fucking revolutionizing your motherfucking kitchen up in here, helping you chew on all that expensive food all the time. What’s he gonna make next, a fucking blender that’ll take a breathalyzer test for you? A fucking blendalyzer up in this shit? His Crocs got orange goddamn!


Anyway, please talk amongst yourselves in the comments.