Uh, so my last post about my wedding registry was a bit of a hissyfit. Sorry about that. But I needed to vent. This whole “getting married” steez is a little off-putting when you’re decidedly not the type of girl who’s had her One Perfect Day planned out since the sum of her romantic experience didn’t exist outside of the Barbie Dream House (if those walls could talk, baby!). I mean, I don’t want to approach this topic as if I’m the only un-bride-y bride to ever wed in the history of the world EVAR, but for realsies? This shit isn’t easy when you’re a cynical, misanthropic bitch who just wants a pretty dress, a booze-addled party, and a trip to the Caribbean with a sexy husband-type man when it’s all over.
Related: when researching images for this post, I realized that were it possible, I’d like to dump Mr. Panda and marry the fucking internet. I mean, Mr. Panda is a funny bastard does who whatever I ask of him, but there’s no way he can deliver instant gratification like this: 
Seriously, internet, the level of service is incredible. You get a 100% customer satisfaction rating from me.
Moving on, I’ve successfully completed an internet-only registry from Crate & Barrel. Please to be viewing the wishful thinking (this is a Recession Wedding, after all) after the jump.
Okay, so my Macy’s registry was gonna be all French cottage-y, Martha chic with a side of modern Chinoiserie, but my backwater-ass Louisiana family really couldn’t afford that crap anyway, so my C&B registry is very no-nonsense modern. To tell the truth, I like it so much more. Without futher ado, my kitchen porn:
Celadon dishes. Perfect for our wee little 1/2 Korean family!
Oona flatware. Things That Make You Go, “Ooo”?
Old school Bialetti espresso percolator = not for prIssy bitches who need frothed milk.
Fucking napkins with fucking birds on them. Why? Because I can.
This little guy is seriously my favorite. Who needs some frilly, delicate Marie Antoinette shit when you can sip your darkest of brews from stainless steel? These little babies are just so damn sexy.
The above are a few of my favorite things, but trust that my registry is filled up & fattened out like a blue ribbon sow, complete with celebrity-endorsed shit I probably don’t need. But you know what? It’s really hard to get mad about celebs “branding” everything with their likeness when they’re so fucking charming about it. For the uninitiated, I give you the Mario Batali Spoonula:
Equal parts spatula and spoon, this baby is fully loaded to do whatever naughty things you’d like to do that probably involve batter. Did I register for one? The fuck YES I did.
And you, you fucking fat fucking ginger goddamn bastard- Look at this chef. Will you just look at this goddamn orange goddamn chef? His ass is fucking revolutionizing your motherfucking kitchen up in here, helping you chew on all that expensive food all the time. What’s he gonna make next, a fucking blender that’ll take a breathalyzer test for you? A fucking blendalyzer up in this shit? His Crocs got orange goddamn!
Anyway, please talk amongst yourselves in the comments.
ButtercupPunch - "La clique, c’est chic!" 
April 14, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I want to drape those bird napkins all over my house. And I would seriously consider getting married just for the Spoonula.
April 14, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Wow to the stainless espresso cups…truly amazing, and I want them. Plus, that picture of Batali just totally made my day.
April 14, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Man, your registry looks like what mine would look like if I had a registry. In fact, I HAVE that orange spoonula and it rocks my socks. I use it all the time and you can put the plastic part in the dishwasher, if it is the EXACT one I have (I don’t know if it’s Mario Batalli, but it’s orange and from C&B).
April 14, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Girl, forget them Oona shits. Your mama didn’t name you no Oona! I’ma get you the hottest Mignon Faget flatware, mon petit belle. With them crawfish and beans what all in the silver and whatnot. You know how we do.
April 14, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Weddings give me a headache. Or maybe I just need Claritin. Are you going to use these, are or you going to put them away and only take them out when the Pope comes over like some married couples? I think I know the answer to that already, actually. Gonna go with door number one.
April 14, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I love things with birds on them. For no reason whatsoever. I have practically a whole room full of crap with little birds on it. I’m stealing your napkins.
April 14, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I want to renew my vows only to register and get the fabulous crap above. I want to buy an entire Macy’s cellar.
April 14, 2008 at 7:37 pm
[…] A Night Without Flatware II: The Revenge […]
April 14, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Uh, yeah guys, I went ahead and started a wedding blog so I wouldn’t have to continually subject y’all to my bridezillaness. So, that’s what the above link/comment is about. Don’t mean to confuse. So yeah, I can leave my Buttercup posts to more interesting topics like love songs written for Lisa Bonet 1990 – present. Love ya, dawgs!
April 14, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Love that Helvetica shit, Biscuit.
April 14, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I seriously want that spoonula.
April 14, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Best Lisa Bonet tribute album evah: Felt 2, by Murs & Slug. Holla.
April 14, 2008 at 9:58 pm
You will not be sorry going with classic white on your dinnerware. IMHO, it just makes everything on it look more appetizing because of the bold WHITE. The beautiful silhouette of those teacups is making my heart beat fast.
It’s rare I see a full dinnerware ensemble that makes me want to run out and buy it — usually there’s one piece that makes me go “ew.” Yours is gorge, Biscuit!
April 14, 2008 at 10:25 pm
I agree with Paisley — white dinner plates are crucial. All food looks good on them, and you can gussy up the table more with flowers and napkins.
April 14, 2008 at 11:27 pm
since we have NO kitchen storage the majority of our kitchen gadgetry has been hiding in the garage but last night we used one of the fondue sets (we rec’d 2) for the first time – meh. are you registered for one? if so, i hope it’s not a bodum.
April 15, 2008 at 9:25 am
No fondue set here. Not interested in fondue.
Oh, and Pais, my dishes aren’t white. Not exactly. They’re celadon, which is a pale, pale blue-green. There’s also a subtle dot swirl pattern. Look closely at the pic, you can barely see it. See, I figured I can get white dishes for myself anytime, b/c stores will always be selling them. So, registering is my one chance to get pretty, formal shit I’d never buy myself. But, at least these hoity-toity dishes are microwave & dishwasher safe. Holla!!!
April 15, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Is it wrong that I’d rather have cash than fancy china?
But I gotta say, I love all your choices. I like very simple stuff. It’s classic and stylish and you’ll be able to use all that stuff forever, without it ever looking dated.
April 15, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Biscuit ~~~ Ah-ha! I do see the pattern and it’s really subtle and beautiful. Me likey! I am still in love with that teacup shape — it reminds me of the cups in a family heirloom tea set my mother swears she “lost.” Uh-huh. Riiiight.
I love what you’ve chosen BDJ! You’ve got seriously good taste for a panda.
April 16, 2008 at 3:05 am
I could get the good health insurance AND the Kitchen goodies? Sign me up! Speaking of blendulyzers…i got the cuisinart hand blender for my bday, and i am so in love with it. It has a blender attachment, a whisk, and a mini food processor attachment. It takes up v little space, and it is great for smoothies, purees, and salsa and it even makes foam for those prissy bitches who cant drink their goddang espresso without steamed milk.
April 16, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Thanks for giving my taste props, guys! I was worried my junk was gonna look all higglety-pigglety (can I please just say that this is my new word du jour? I love it).
But yeah, Wigglepup, talk smoothie to me.
April 16, 2008 at 9:39 pm
oh god, i could talk smoothie all frackin day. i think i might turn into a smoothie i have had so many smoothies in the past weeks. so here is the great thing about the hand mixer: you can make your smoothie right in the cup that you’re gonna drink out of! no cleaning a blender pitcher– amazing! i have been making mine in my commuter mug and sticking a straw in it and drinkng it on the road. all you need for your smoothie is frozen fruit and juice or milk or soymilk and yogurt (optional). trader joe’s berry blend is delish, and is totally good enough on its own. if you like you can wash and dry your fruit and put it in a ziplock bag and stick it in the freezer. my fave combo is TJs berry mix with a dollop of plain l/f yogurt and some soymilk. you can also use fresh unfrozen fruit, but i like the consistency of the frozen. also a delish desert is just frozen black cherries with chocolate almond milk–blendulyze that shit and i makes a super thick cherry-chocolate frosty type thing. yummers.
April 18, 2008 at 9:53 am
You have excellent taste as I would surely steal all that shit from your kitchen, especially the stainless steel saucers (I LOVE STAINLESS STEEL)
i would also like to have your babies in response to your beautifully worded Batali party.