Lately my inbox is the bane of my existence. Fucking Earth Day? I don’t want to get into just how much Go Green! propaganda I had to sift through, and they got increasingly cloying and lowest-common-denominator-pandering as I scrolled through them. I could share with you some of the great “green” products these cosmetic giants are pimping out as if they were a daughter named Fancy, but I seriously doubt that shopping is going to save the planet, so I’m not going to give them the satisfaction.

 

   I’d much prefer to cut straight to the bigger guilt-trip: Mother’s Day. Yeah, we all love the planet. The planet is beautiful and sustains us and provides us with Flight of the Conchords and cheesesteak sandwiches and all that joyful crap. But Mother Earth was not the one in labor for 72 hours, had to get the epidural inserted THREE TIMES before the nurse got it right, had a botched episiotomy, had to have her hips broken because your head was too big, STILL has incontinence problems, etc, etc, etc, all to bring your spoiled, ungrateful ass into this world and why don’t you ever call?

   Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. She doesn’t give a toss about Mother’s Day, so I may get her a plant of a bottle of wine, and she’s gonna be like, “Oh. Bonus!” But that’s why she rules. She’s not about to have me waste my lowly clerk’s wages just to keep Shoebox Greetings and Teleflora in business.

   But, for those of you with overbearing Mumzillas, Mother’s Day gifts are like the “push presents” that just Keep. On. Pushing. AND, just when you thought this consumer holiday couldn’t get anymore obnoxious, Sephora ups the ante:

 

ORDER BY MAY 7 FOR MOM'S DAY DELIVERY!*
CELEBRATE MOM gifts for her inner star
SHOP ALL MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS >
FOR BEAUTY INSIDERS ONLY
BONUS GIFT
Shower Mom with a little extra love! Get this 2-oz. Fendi Palazzo Precious Shower Gel free with any online order.
This luxe lather imparts the positively posh Palazzo scent of orange blossom & jasmine on the skin. (Plus, it makes a fab gift topper!) Enter promo code PALAZZO at checkout.**

The Glam Mom - get the look >
She'll be clutter-free and très chic with this fab, multi-tiered faux-croc case.
new . only at sephora . limited edition Sephora Brand Luxury Ivory Croc Print Train Case, $110. >
new . only at sephora . limited edition Sephora Brand Luxury Ivory Croc Print Train Case, $110.
Shop all Glam Mom gifts >

The Rock Star - get the look >
Packed with Too Faced's bestsellers from the past decade, this retro-chic palette will ensure she brings sexy back.
new Too Faced Decade of Glamour Beauty Wardrobe Makeup Collection ($195 Value), $40. >
new Too Faced Decade of Glamour Beauty Wardrobe Makeup Collection ($195 Value), $40.
Shop all Rock Star gifts >

The Earth Mother - get the look >
Celebrity designed, compostable lipsticks will give her star power and good karma. CARGO PlantLove™ Botanical Lipstick, $20 each.
CARGO PlantLove™ Botanical Lipstick, $20 each. > CARGO PlantLove™ Botanical Lipstick, $20 each.
Shop all Earth Mother gifts >

The Sophisticate - get the look >
If she's on the job 24-7, send her senses on vacay with these intoxicating rose-and-pomegranate concoctions.
new . limited edition Fresh Cannabis Rose Gift Set ($49 Value), $45. >
new . limited edition Fresh Cannabis Rose Gift Set ($49 Value), $45.
Shop all Sophisticate gifts >

    WTF?! “Glam Mom”? “Rockstar Mom”? Fucking, if my mom HAD to be categorized, she’d be like “Shops at Lowe’s Mom” or “Likes to Dig in the Dirt Mom” or “Uses Decade-Old, Crusty Cover Girl Cuz She Don’t Give a FUCK Mom”. I’m not saying that you HAVE to “let yourself go” in order to be a mom, but there comes a certain point in Mumsyhood, where you have to re-prioritize in order to survive. What’s more important: putting on your signature “Sophisticate” makeup face every morning, or getting little MackKenzie (ugh) and Leighton (double ugh) fed a decent breakfast before school? Bitches are NOT Kelly Ripa, there are only 24 hours in a day, so don’t tell me about “doing it all.” My momma didn’t raise no fool.

  So anyway, where the hell do you get these high-maintenence-ass moms? Are these the same Ivory Tower-dwelling moms that ship their kids off to a boarding school in Geneva as soon as they can walk? OR, worse yet, are these the malcontented, middle-middle to lower-middle class suburbanite moms that simply want to be Ivory Tower moms? So many questions, but either way you slice it, the answer is fear. I fear for the future. Provided this shit is actually true, but I’m guessing it’s not (oh, how I love to get worked up over nothing!). I’m guessing the Sephora ad people are the same people who write in those rediculous sex tips for Cosmo: “I sprinkle a little bit of canned tuna (packed in water, not oil) around my man’s “pleasure center” and slowly, sensually, nibble away at it like a kitten. Then I give him a big, wet, kiss. It makes him sooooo randy!” You read that shit, and then you get all worried like, “Who are these funky-ass, tuna-eating bitches?” “Does anybody actually use the term “pleasure center”?” “I hate tuna. Is some guy gonna ask me to do this crap?”

 

   Anyway, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Default to the top of the Sephora email for the punchline. It’s written right on the shower gel, “Pour la Douche”. As in, if your mom really needs some Fendi shower gel in order to feel loved by you, your mom is a douche.

 

Send me Shoebox Greetings in the comments.

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