A while back my elderly mother — she will be 78 in October — noticed a bit of spotting. She went to the doctor’s, where they attempted to give her an internal. But couldn’t. Why couldn’t they, you might ask? Because her labia had sealed up!!!! 

I don’t even like to know that my cuckoo bird mother a. has a vagina or b. ever had sex. In fact, she does indeed have a vagina, but on the sex front? Not so much. Nothing has been up her cooter in almost 30 years — hence her fused labia.

My mother’s marriage broke up when she was 50. That same year, she had a hysterectomy. So in 27 years, nothing had gone up there. No schlong, no tampon, no speculum. As much as I hoped, with no small amount of nausea, that the old lady might have been getting some after she and my father split up, apparently not. Not even the battery-operated variety.

Indeed it’s true. Post-menopausal women can occasionally suffer from this affliction due to lower estrogen levels and lack of lubrication. I would post a link, but honestly, the pictures are enough to cause violent and instantaneous projectile vomiting and I don’t want to be responsible for that. If you must know more, Google “labial fusions” and/or “labial adhesions.”

So let this be a lesson to you ladies! Use it, or possibly lose it. Buy a vibrator, use tampons, get liquored up and lower the bar by sleeping with the odd guy you suspect might be packing some major wood even if he’s not in any way attractive to you — but make sure something’s going up there every now and again.