Pills, patches, intra-uterine devices, injections, implants, sponges, rubbers and a ring. These were the various options I recently considered when I decided it was time to address my birth-control needs. None of them are particularly fantastic, and more than one of them has fucked me over in the past, but in the end I decided to go with the Nuvaring.

The ring is this small, flexible plastic ring that you place in the vadge and leave for 3 weeks to do its thing – just set it and forget it! – then you remove for a week and afterwards you start over with a new one. You certainly can’t feel it when it’s in, but the first day or so was weird just because I knew it was there so every time I peed I was certain it had fallen into the toilet.

During spin class, I momentarily pictured myself in some freak accident (with a stationary bike no less) where I was somehow hung up on my seat, having snagged mah ring on it. I know, right?? How would that even happen? Anyway …

After a few days spent trying to get used to having this plastic hair tie in my cooch all the time, I had a couple of questions about life with the Ring – so I headed over to the Nuvaring site to peep their FAQs.

The site is chock full of information, as understandably women might have lots of questions about this form of birth control. The ring is unique in its field and I think they’ve done a pretty decent job of laying out info in FAQ and Q & A form; there’s also quite a few interactive menus. If you happen to have a question that is not covered on the site, there is a patient information line you can call which is staffed by nurses. No guarantee you’ll get an answer, though: my question apparently stumped the nurse, as she told me ‘they had no data re: the product in that way’ and would need to capture my information in order to log the question. Whatever.

But then I noticed this. What the fuck is that?! Do you REALLY need another device taking up space in your bag just to beep at you when it’s time to change your Ring? Although wouldn’t it be nice if your period dropped out in neat little balls like on the display?

But that’s not the forehead slapper, no. The forehead slapper is this – ClubNuva. Yeah, CLUB Nuva. This swinging hotspot of the interwebz boasts ‘NuvaNews,’ ‘NuvaCards’ and oh yes, wait for it – horoscopes. And one more piece of NuvaFlair – there is a ‘FreeVerse’ kit which beckons me to “unleash my creativity” and then send it to all my friends. WTF?!

WHAT FUCKING GENIUS CAME UP WITH THIS?? I seriously want to know what kind of traffic this shit gets. Does someone actually think: “Thank God for ClubNuva or work would be sooooo boring!”

Is it some kind of exclusivity thing the drug manufacturer is going for? (I don’t see any other BC sites with ‘clubs’ for the lucky ladies). Because if so, the fuckin’ Sherminator has tighter game than that.

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