Pills, patches, intra-uterine devices, injections, implants, sponges, rubbers and a ring. These were the various options I recently considered when I decided it was time to address my birth-control needs. None of them are particularly fantastic, and more than one of them has fucked me over in the past, but in the end I decided to go with the Nuvaring.
The ring is this small, flexible plastic ring that you place in the vadge and leave for 3 weeks to do its thing – just set it and forget it! – then you remove for a week and afterwards you start over with a new one. You certainly can’t feel it when it’s in, but the first day or so was weird just because I knew it was there so every time I peed I was certain it had fallen into the toilet.
During spin class, I momentarily pictured myself in some freak accident (with a stationary bike no less) where I was somehow hung up on my seat, having snagged mah ring on it. I know, right?? How would that even happen? Anyway …
After a few days spent trying to get used to having this plastic hair tie in my cooch all the time, I had a couple of questions about life with the Ring – so I headed over to the Nuvaring site to peep their FAQs.
The site is chock full of information, as understandably women might have lots of questions about this form of birth control. The ring is unique in its field and I think they’ve done a pretty decent job of laying out info in FAQ and Q & A form; there’s also quite a few interactive menus. If you happen to have a question that is not covered on the site, there is a patient information line you can call which is staffed by nurses. No guarantee you’ll get an answer, though: my question apparently stumped the nurse, as she told me ‘they had no data re: the product in that way’ and would need to capture my information in order to log the question. Whatever.
But then I noticed this. What the fuck is that?! Do you REALLY need another device taking up space in your bag just to beep at you when it’s time to change your Ring? Although wouldn’t it be nice if your period dropped out in neat little balls like on the display?
But that’s not the forehead slapper, no. The forehead slapper is this – ClubNuva. Yeah, CLUB Nuva. This swinging hotspot of the interwebz boasts ‘NuvaNews,’ ‘NuvaCards’ and oh yes, wait for it – horoscopes. And one more piece of NuvaFlair – there is a ‘FreeVerse’ kit which beckons me to “unleash my creativity” and then send it to all my friends. WTF?!
WHAT FUCKING GENIUS CAME UP WITH THIS?? I seriously want to know what kind of traffic this shit gets. Does someone actually think: “Thank God for ClubNuva or work would be sooooo boring!”
Is it some kind of exclusivity thing the drug manufacturer is going for? (I don’t see any other BC sites with ‘clubs’ for the lucky ladies). Because if so, the fuckin’ Sherminator has tighter game than that.
May 4, 2008 at 10:54 am
ClubNuva sounds pretty boring, but I would show up for free samples at ClubXanaxxx.
May 4, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Wait…where does this ring hang out? In your vadge, you say? This birth control, it confuses me.
May 4, 2008 at 3:40 pm
yup. just imagine a clear plastic hair tie like the one in the picture, it’s very flexible and you just stick it in there. the idea being that your body temp warms it and the ring releases the contraceptive right there in front of the uterus.
May 4, 2008 at 5:36 pm
No, Bang, the ring hangs out at ClubNuva.
May 4, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I made a NuvaCard for you!
http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/switch/clubNuva/eCard/index.asp
May 4, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Do you need a prescription? Where can I get it? The biggest drugstore chain in Canada had stopped stocking the Today sponge and I almost had an Elaine Benes tantrum recently.
May 4, 2008 at 7:04 pm
@LL: I cannot see it! E-mail it to me.
@Trix: yes, you need a prescription. I’ll see if I can get any sponges for you though.
May 4, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Really? You have a line on sponges, do you? You can acquire sponges just like that, with the snap of your fingers?
May 4, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I thought my doctor told me the ring was going off the market. is she a bit ol’ liar? is she trying to keep me from joining the club?
May 4, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I saw them in WalMart a few months ago – you could always buy them online as well.
May 4, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Peaches, do not say the ring is going off the market. The possibility makes me sad. I like being able to forget about my birth control for 3 weeks at a time, especially if I’m not getting laid.
Kadinsky, that NuvaTime device is absurd. I understand needing a reminder to take the thing out, but is it really that hard to write it on your calendar?
May 4, 2008 at 7:52 pm
BWAHAHAHA. No one parties like the swingahs at ClubNuvahhhh.
May 4, 2008 at 8:49 pm
They are HARD TO FIND up here!! You can buy them at WalMart down there? What a Utopia. Booze and sponges at the local Walmart.
May 4, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Trixie? Is this old-man suitor sponge-worthy?
And, Wal-Mart, seriously? It’s the EVIL EMPIRE.
May 4, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Fuck Jez. I’m done.
See you bitches at Club Nuva tomorrow. Vadge circles galore.
May 4, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Old man suitor not sponge-worthy, I am afraid, although I am having lunch with him tomorrow.
May 5, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I may be wrong, cate. that said, I”m switching from paragard to mirena soon, so I’m pretty much all over the putting stuff near my uterus.
heh heh heh.
May 6, 2008 at 7:21 pm
@peachesdelux: have not heard anything about the Ring going off the market, if you get any more info on that hit me up.
May 7, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Every time I pee I am convinced that it has fallen into the toilet…so very very true!
May 19, 2008 at 6:28 am
That looks like a cockring to me. Just out of curiosity, is it dual-purpose?
July 8, 2008 at 4:21 pm
[…] doctor’s appt??? kadinsky: lovely as always, decided not to go with IUD kadinsky: will try nuvaring for now Tailfeather: really! cool. Tailfeather: that’s supposed to be good, i think… […]
November 18, 2008 at 4:53 pm
[…] dislike the use of “it” – “it” being her sexuality? Should he have put a NuvaRing on it, then? Has she reduced her personhood to an “it”? Confusing and […]