DorothyZbornak and I were just discussing that word during Scrabulous the other day, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t come to work this week and find myself confronted with some serious moisture issues, of the dude kind. Huh? What the fuck are ‘dude moisture issues’ you say? That would be when a guy like the one you see here –could be any jackass from your office– becomes your work partner on a project that will require you to spend way too many hours together, which really becomes a problem because you can only avoid looking at this for so long.
This was the best picture I could find, so trust me when I tell you that it doesn’t hold a candle to what this dude is putting out. *Earl’s got these yooge fuckin’ tidelands just spreading out beneath his armpits all day – like goddamn constant Rorschach’s bleeding down his sides. Ugh. UGH. So fucking nasty. If he was a nice guy that would be one thing, but this dude is a TOOL. He suffers from so many maladies; Short Man’s Syndrome, Center of Attentionitis, Napoleon Complex, the list goes on as he continues to overcompensate (and overperspire).
On top of the puddle pits he waves around in front of me periodically throughout the day, Earl is also a smoker, a frequent one at that. Yeah. Dude runs in and out of the building all day for a smoke and also finds it necessary to alert me every time he does this. Maybe he says other things to me as well, I dunno, all I hear are wet sheets flapping in the breeze. I don’t even think he’s tried to really do anything about this “embarrassing odor and wetness problem” ‘cuz he’s a sloppy bastard all over. This makes me want to sprinkle cat litter all over him every time I see him, try and sop up summa that fuckin’ mess. But then maybe I would miss it when he turns on his “charm” by outing himself for staring at my tits.
ButtercupPunch - "La clique, c’est chic!" 
May 8, 2008 at 12:13 am
**Shudder**
May 8, 2008 at 12:19 am
Boys are gross and stupid. And sweaty, but not in a good way.
May 8, 2008 at 6:44 am
I am Earl. The sweaty thing, not the asshole thing. But I only commented to say that I hate the word moist, it sends chills down my spine no matter the context.
May 8, 2008 at 6:58 am
Oh, I hate the word as well – I told DottyZ the other day it makes my ears want to vomit.
May 8, 2008 at 10:56 am
“like goddamn constant Rorschach’s bleeding down his sides”
Amazing wording, horrible image. Ew.
May 8, 2008 at 4:32 pm
“puddle pits”
I laughed. I cried.
This sounds like a human rights case to me.
May 8, 2008 at 7:34 pm
I didn’t have an Earl, but I did have a Shawn. He shaved his arms, had a tongue ring and yet called himself hetero. Every morning he’d show up late with a hangover, which didn’t mix well with the fact that he had something against brushing his teeth in the morning.
God, the memories. Must. Go. Now.
BHW
May 8, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Axillary hyperhidrosis. YUCK.
May 8, 2008 at 11:24 pm
When I worked in the paper’s office, we had this guy who not only smelled bad, but would leave his used dental floss in a mound on his desk.
Worse? He had a crush on me. My pals STILL razz me about it to this day.
May 8, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Ewwwww. No Earls where I work, thank god.
And I will never for the life of me understand the aversion to the word “moist.” I first heard of this bugaboo on the radio a couple years ago, then there was a discussion on Jez.
May 8, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Hey, I have an avatar!
What the fuck is it?
May 9, 2008 at 10:52 am
OMG, I got a shout-out! I feel so special!
And yes, I’ve worked with an Earl or two in my day. The worst is when the sweat stains are not only in the pit area, but also on the back and sometimes belly/chest area (most disgustingly, moob sweat). It’s so fucking gross and impossible to ignore. And all I can think is, “dude, they have prescription strength deodorant for that shit! Get some!”
May 9, 2008 at 10:55 am
@Broad: that is disgusting, I don’t even like touching my own used dental floss – if that would have been me I would have been dreaming up ways to set it on fire.
@Lipstick: it’s a monster of some sort. But I think I like the geometric ones better, of course this is only if you don’t upload your own. Bring your lovely body parts over here!
May 10, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I got kind of tingly when I saw the “Male Moisture”, but you went in an entirely different direction.
I’ve worked with a few Earls, just your run of the mill gross, sweaty, nonshowering guys.
I think that the dental floss wins though- could not be more disgusting.
May 10, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Ooops, that was Dude Moisture.
May 12, 2008 at 3:15 pm
The only thing worse than “moist” is “moisty” as espoused by a 33-year-old former flight attendant who used to describe like a 12-year-old her arousal for any man in the vicinity.
On “Earl,” maybe the little dude should give up smoking? I mean, his small stature and high anxiety are probably trying to pump the nicotine out of every pore in his body at full tilt. How can he NOT KNOW he’s pitting out? That’s my thing with the hetero dudes: Do you need me to draw you a picture of your (fill in the blank) bad haircut, poor shoe choices, ridiculous facial hair, etc., etc….?
May 12, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I work at home in my bedroom. If Earl shows up, there will be problems.
May 13, 2008 at 9:36 pm
@Oversidi: now i am totally curious what you thought the ‘dude moisture’ was about, do i want to know?
@Paisley: wtf?! how would one even use that in a sentence??
“ooooh, Clive, your manly swagger and sexy permastubble are making me so MOISTY. givit to me, bigboy!”
you’re right about Earl, though – he really should quit smoking. not only does it not help his odoriferous self but he has hella nasty breath as well. the other day he got shit from the client for chewing gum during a meeting with the executives and his defense was to argue his own rank ass breath.
May 15, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I will punch this motherfucking SOB in the face. Or neck. Anywhere it’s not…um, wet. Just call me the next time he runs out for a smoke, I’ll be waiting in my ninja outfit with a pink Taser.
May 19, 2008 at 5:56 am
@PaisleyPajamas: MOISTY? No. What???