DorothyZbornak and I were just discussing that word during Scrabulous the other day, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t come to work this week and find myself confronted with some serious moisture issues, of the dude kind. Huh? What the fuck are ‘dude moisture issues’ you say? That would be when a guy like the one you see here –could be any jackass from your office– becomes your work partner on a project that will require you to spend way too many hours together, which really becomes a problem because you can only avoid looking at this for so long.

This was the best picture I could find, so trust me when I tell you that it doesn’t hold a candle to what this dude is putting out. *Earl’s got these yooge fuckin’ tidelands just spreading out beneath his armpits all day – like goddamn constant Rorschach’s bleeding down his sides. Ugh. UGH. So fucking nasty. If he was a nice guy that would be one thing, but this dude is a TOOL. He suffers from so many maladies; Short Man’s Syndrome, Center of Attentionitis, Napoleon Complex, the list goes on as he continues to overcompensate (and overperspire).

On top of the puddle pits he waves around in front of me periodically throughout the day, Earl is also a smoker, a frequent one at that. Yeah. Dude runs in and out of the building all day for a smoke and also finds it necessary to alert me every time he does this. Maybe he says other things to me as well, I dunno, all I hear are wet sheets flapping in the breeze. I don’t even think he’s tried to really do anything about this “embarrassing odor and wetness problem” ‘cuz he’s a sloppy bastard all over. This makes me want to sprinkle cat litter all over him every time I see him, try and sop up summa that fuckin’ mess. But then maybe I would miss it when he turns on his “charm” by outing himself for staring at my tits.

*Dude’s name is not really Earl.

I know you’ve got Earls where you work, yo – help yourself to some comment space.