My junkmail is getting junkier and junkier. I’ve been dreading updating what’s been going on in cosmeticland, because it’s about as exciting as watching those old people in the commercials drone on and on about how good Lawrence Welk sounds on their Bose Wave Music System (TM!). “It’s like I was hearing the Village Tavern Polka for the fiiirrrst tiiiiime!”

   These companies are not doing anything new or better to try & get you to spend your money (free shipping? You don’t say!). In fact, I’m convinced they’re regressing into worse and worse ploys for business. Hang onto your Life Alert (“No. Senior. Citizen. Should. Be. Without. Life Alert!”), cuz here’s what’s coming up:

MAC channels Gia Carangi (yes, again)

Sephora beaks new ground in the Unfortunate Celebrity Collaboration department

Clinique thinks you’re 10

and Clarins wants to destroy your credit


MAC‘s new collection (seriously, they love collections over there. They’re like those pitiful people on Clean House who live like beavers.) is called Neo Sci-Fi, but it’s neither neo nor sci-fi. In fact, it looks a little Gia Carangi meets Miss Chichi Rodriguez:

Seriously. Tell me I’m wrong.

MAC never fails to remind me of that movie Party Monster: Over-the-top, yet… Lacking. MAC never seems to try to break any new ground, they’re just kind of flogging the same famous corpses as the rest of the fashion industry.  Oh, and can we all just agree that strong brow + strong eyes + strong lip + chiseled cheek looks good on no one? The Addicted to Love era ended for a reason, k?


Sephora. Sephora, Sephora. Where did we go wrong with you? Is it that you know everyone’s gonna shop at your stores anyway, so you’ve just quit trying, or are you really just that into G-list reality TV chicks who look like the lovechild of Pat Benetar and Dita vonTeese? Ladies and gents, I give you: Kat vonD for Sephora!

Don’t get me wrong, she is a beautiful girl. And she’s stylish, if Rollerderby and Hot Topic are your thing. But yeah, I don’t want to look like her. Sorry, Kat. But shine on, you crazy diamond and all that.

The BEST(worst) part about this Kat vD collab? One of the side-gimmicks to this collection (Sephora is like a Korean restaraunt in that way, it’s never about the shit you actually order, it’s really about all the yummy free shit you get on the side) is the free sample:

Fucking WHAAA? Does this company actually think anyone WANTS those nasty things on their temples (uh, besides Kat)? Really, when I saw Kat vonD for the 1st time, I was like “Ooooh, she’s preeeeetty!” Then she turned her head to the side and I saw this blotchy shit on the sides of her face and it was like fucking Alien Nation (yes, I am old enough to remember that show):

Yeah, sexy, right? And since when do adults use temporary tattoos, anyway. Ugh, whatever, Sephora, I’ll be right over.


Clinique wants to earn your business by giving you a limited edition keychain! Woooo! I wish I was kidding.

I can’t upload the picture, but rest assured that my 9-year-old niece has classier accessories than the Clinique sunscreen keychain. Promo FAIL.


But, worst of all, is Clarins. Apparently Clarins fucking hates you and they want you to hate yourself. Because if you take Clarins up on their craaaazy generous “free” offer, you’ll be kicking your own ass for the next seven years:

They want to give you a “free” year’s subscription to Self. Which is basically Lucky meets Shape (if you need a fitness mag, Shape is really the way to go.). Which is basically a doodoo rag that is a waste of trees. What’s worse, is that if you aggree to be subjected to this shitshow of a magazine, you will be billed. Oh yes! Part of the “free” subscription is that you have to buy 2 fucking years worth of Self in order to get so much as one free issue out of them. AND, you can’t back out, can’t cancel it once you realize you’ve been bamboozled. They will not. stop. hunting you. It’s fucking scary.

Expect pain from Self. Expect suffering from Self. Expect shitty articles and whackadoo diets that are too crazy for Mary Kate Olsen. Expect a collection agency stuffing your mailbox with threatening letters over $15-fucking-.95 owed.  This magazine will sue you and ruin your credit over “3 trial issues” you didn’t even sign up for and didn’t want anyway. Fuck you, Self, and fuck you Clarins. My shitlist is long, y’all. I never forget.


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