I fucking hate Dina Lohan. There, I said it. I always have a pretty active Celebrity Hate list on the go, but she has jumped far ahead of John Mayer, Jay Leno, Katherine Heigl and even Paris Hilton. My loathing of her is such that she has become almost a guiding influence in my life. Whether pondering motherhood issues, how to handle a willful adolescent or my physical appearance, I often find myself asking: What would Dina Lohan NOT do?

Would Dina Lohan go out partying and leave her kids at home alone, and then NOT scurry back in a panic upon learning that the fire department had been called to the house to deal with an electrical fire? Nope! Dina Lohan would NOT scurry home, but would remain partying! And I WOULD scurry home after bolting in terror from the party! 

Would Dina Lohan appreciate that as a woman gets past 40, she can be too blonde, too tanned and sport hair that would be more suitable on a 20-year-old? Nope! Dina Lohan would not appreciate such truisms! And so I do!!! Thanks to Dina Lohan, I now refuse to get my hair highlighted, have no interest in tanning myself and keep my hair in a shoulder-length bob.

Does Dina Lohan also appreciate that as a woman gets past 40, she should opt to dress more conservatively, with a bit of understated elegance? No, Dina does not appreciate this indisputable fact! And so I do! No slutty plunging necklines or see-through mini-skirts for me!

Would Dina Lohan think it terribly wrong to get cocaine from her teenaged daughter? Or with carrying her daughter’s cocaine for her at big Hollywood parties? No, Dina Lohan would think nothing of such a thing! And therefore I have trouble even asking my 18-year-old daughter if she’d like a half-glass of wine with Sunday dinner. 

Would Dina Lohan refuse to pimp out her children for fame and fortune? No, she would not! And I would! I would sooner have my eyeballs sutured then sell out my kids, with absolutely no concern about their emotional well-being, in order to pad my wallet.

Thank God for Dina Lohan! She has taught me everything NOT to be!