Yeah. It’s just me here. Trixie & Kadisnky are working out-of-towns, Tailfeather is traipsing all about Europe hypnotizing men with her vagina, and SinRoo is either a.) enjoying some kind of freedom summer/summer of love thing while her classes are out or b.) she’s run away to join the Hillary Clinton 2012 campaign (already in progress). So it’s just me. Twiddling mah thumbs. Pissed off b/c I can’t find The Mighty Boosh on U.S. compatable DVDs and I keep forgetting to ask Mr. Panda if we have an all-region DVD player. Uh, and I don’t feel like writing about makeup, b/c the economy sucks and I don’t like the idea that my posts encite people to spend money. So, let’s just bullshit then, shall we? Here, I’ll give you a topic:

KARAOKE

Go!

   See, where I’m from, karaoke is just for fun and the better a singer you are, the less fun it is to do karaoke. The more your voice cracks, the more you forget the lyrics and just start crazy ad-libbing, the more people cheer. That’s what it’s like most places, right? Well, I never knew there could be regional differences in Karaoke style, but I became painfully aware of the distinctions when I moved to the parallel universe that is the state of Tennessee.

   This is one of the many states where people put their children in beauty paegents before the kids can even hold their heads up on their own. This is a state where the tourism board uses country stars I’ve never even heard of to do their “vacation here” commercials b/c that’s their demographic. They know not to bother hiring someone with a region-neutral accent/appeal to advertise their state (I’m lookin’ at you, Louisiana) b/c they know it won’t work anyway. Tennessee as a vacation destination really is for those who already know that Tennessee is a fun place to vacation. And it is. Really. Slumming it at Dollywood eating funnel cakes is a helluva lot more fun than overpaying for foods and drinks at trendy restaurants and hipster bars in more cosmopolitan cities.

   However, Karaoke in Tennessee is like watching fucking Star Search in the 80s. People take that shit so damn seriously, it’s like they’re expecting to shake Ed’s hand when it’s all over with. If you roll up into a TN karaoke joint and do a funny ha-ha duet to Human League, or intentionally butcher an Elvis song, not only will the crowd stare daggers at you the whole time, but the DJ/emcee will cut you and your group off after that. Seriously. You will spend the rest of your night barred from the stage, listeneing to every be-mall-banged girl in the place singing this (really, one time I heard this song at Karaoke 3 times in the same night, including twice in a row. The DJs don’t care, they really wanna let these bitches shine):

   Every TN Karaoke bar has regulars that do the same few songs every night. And they do them so well, with such expert pitch and precision, that you really would feel like a jackass if you went up right after them and did When Doves Cry in a William Shatner voice. Which sucks, b/c you don’t do your songs for yourself, you do them to make an ass of yourself to the delight of your companions and anyone else who loves a good stupid human trick. But noooooooo, Tennessee doesn’t appreciate that you’d like to entertain them with your baffoonery. Self Indulgence is the name of the game here. Pick the sappiest, drippiest, bummer-est sad sack of a song and feel free to destroy that feel-good Saturday night vibe. In Tennessee you’ll be a karaoke hero. I think you know what’s coming:

  

Alright, doods. Do share tales of Karaoke glory here in the comments!

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