In advance of my Spanish vacation next week, I made a trek to a salon yesterday to have my privates all tidied up in order to look fresh as a daisy in my bikini. I don’t get everything removed — although I did once get an accidental Brazilian, and this was a year before it happened to Carrie on Sex and The City, due to a terrible language barrier. Why I didn’t clue in when she manipulated my legs into position as though she was about to give me a Pap smear, I am still not sure. But I was sort of stunned and just lay there in disbelief as everything came off.

In any event, it kind of happened again yesterday. The girl looked painfully young, about 18 or 19, I am guessing, and when I told her I was going to be wearing a bikini, a look of pained determination came over her face.  I realize now that in her mind, bikini = thong.

At first it was standard, just a bit off the top and the sides. Then she rolled me over onto my stomach and in one quick movement, basically pulled my underwear up my ass, thong style, and went to work on my arse. In fact, she was waxing intimate areas of my anatomy that I am not sure anyone but me has ever touched. Areas I don’t think I was even aware that hair resided. I felt like I was at the proctologist’s.

I felt sooooooooo sorry for this young Asian girl who could barely speak a word of English. No one should have to see what she saw — a stranger’s ass, right up in her face. I was mortified and could barely look at her when she finished after spending a long, long time painstakingly waxing my ass. I handed her a big tip and wanted to clutch her to me and tearfully apologize. No one, I repeat NO ONE, should have to earn their living ripping anal hair from a stranger’s ass crack.

Social historians, I am certain, will one day look back shamefully at this period in history in which young immigrants came to North America and had to take jobs waxing the vaginas and ass cracks of the privileged. Jesus, I’d have rather been in the fields under a blazing sun all day picking tobacco. 

Could there be, in fact, a worse profession than a bikini waxer? I guess gynecologist and proctologist might be right up there. I asked my dearest male friend about this yesterday and he said maybe a guy would enjoy being a bikini waxer because he would be able to be up close and personal with various beavers all day long. But then he thought about it and agreed: “The trouble is, many of them might be beavers that you never wanted to see, and in fact could turn you off other perfectly lovely beavers.”

Doesn’t seem to be bothering this guy, however: