Hey Hookers – Happy 4th of July!!

I hope you all are having an excellent holiday weekend, mine is off to an incredible start so far and I will tell you all about it.

So here in Milwaukee the annual Summerfest music festival is happening and if you ever get the chance to go I highly recommend. For the price of general admission there are 12 stages that feature local and national bands playing great live music all day for 10 straight days, not to mention all the beer, booze and food you can stuff yourself with. Each night a headliner show plays in the Amphitheater and last night I was lucky enough to score tickets to see Tim McGraw, really good tickets too, center stage and about 30ft away from his stupendous thrusting pelvis. Naturally, Murphy’s Law means I did not have a fucking camera though, which is the only thing I was cursing aloud about for the first part of the show because y’all? Lookit, I love me some Tim McGraw, I really do, but there is no way in hell his outfit did not deserve a good old fashioned Snap Judgment. A SNARKY one.

Even now, I have just freshly Googled the interwebz hoping someone posted pics from last nights’ show but alas, there is nothing. So, I will just have to describe it for you as best I can. Let’s start with the jeans then.

Any fan of country music knows that tight jeans are a staple of the genre as much as a rapper needs their bling, but this trend of country stars with their OWN bling to go along with their painted on designer jeans is part of what put me off country music at the end of the 90’s. McGraw’s denim was soooo tight I swear to Dolly I could see the outline of each testicle, nay, I could count the hairs on the beanbag they were so tight. Timmy, I know you’re not likely to get a yeastie in them things but that much grape smuggling cain’t be good for yer Hardy Boys, ya hear? (Sidenote: yes, I was indeed quite inspired by the thought of that woman who grabbed his junk last year and sorely tempted to do the same myself, however those hotel pants he was wearing are obviously dual purpose, 1) thrill the crowd. 2) too tight to allow any traction from random junk grabbers. Dammit.) (Oh, ‘hotel pants’ = no ball room.)

This is the closest pic I could find, peep the un-countryness of the jewelry

This is the closest pic I could find, peep the un-countryness of the jewelry

The shirt: the shirt was black, it was sleeveless, it was ribbed. Okay. It had a very deep v-neck, made even deeper by the fact that the lace-ups were left undone so as to expose his very tanned and muscular chest. Also his assortment of gold necklaces, some bejeweled and some not. Oh, but this was nothing compared to the at least 3.5 inches of gold bling on his wrist, yo. It reminded me of Wonder Woman’s bullet deflecting bracelets, srsly. Basically the shirt looked to me to be Armani (okay, Armani Exchange) and was exactly the type of thing I would have worn to go club hoeing because it would have made an excellent titty shirt, seeing as how it was a WOMAN’s top.

What is the purpose of this outfit? Does one not attend a Tim McGraw concert because one enjoys his music? Apparently not. Along with the cowboy-in-spandexdenim-visual, McGraw also employs lots and lots of poses. What kind of poses you ask? Why, ass poses of course! Of the Pussycat Doll variety. During almost every song, when he is not singing, McGraw will turn and face the band (or just…turn) and present his booty to the wildly cheering wimmins in the crowd for several bars. Sometimes he cocks his hip to the left, sometimes to the right, later he would stand with feet shoulder width apart on two slightly raised platforms thereby affecting what I can only describe as the male version of Kim KardASShian in front of a camera.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of this spectacle, it just took me a little while to kinda get used to it since the last time I saw country in concert it was of the George, Alan and Garth variety at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo (holla!). Them boys might have had some tight fittin’ Wranglers on but right above the dinner plate sized belt buckle was a man sized, button down shirt. With sleeves. This is something else entirely, ladies and gents; welcome to the sexploitation of male entertainers.

I’m neither offended by this nor willing to launch into the pros/cons of it but I will say this, as luscious and delicious as Tim McGraw might look up there on stage, the package (heh heh) is totally unrealistic. Seeing as how the majority of his fan base last night went home with dudes that look more like Larry the Cable Guy than hottie Tim McGraw. (As observed by the couple next to us; the “Larry” standing behind his wife, she trying not to squeal with delight every time the crowd was presented with McGraw’s McHiney but after proving unable to control herself and letting loose a squeak or two, the Larry sez to her, “Yeah, yer lucky that don’t bother me!” before swilling another half gallon of PBR down the front of himself.) Yeah, dude, Thank Gawd she has your approval – like she’s not mentally fucking the sequins offa him right now.

The show was awesome, I rocked out to the music and had very impure thoughts about the singer and I think this was the desired effect. We caught a bit of the big fireworks show that started during the concert as well, and afterwards we had time to grab a couple of beers before the grounds closed (and we had to walk home – Boooo!). But we did win $50 in pull tabs too, so Yay for that :)