Hey Hookers – Happy 4th of July!!
I hope you all are having an excellent holiday weekend, mine is off to an incredible start so far and I will tell you all about it.
So here in Milwaukee the annual Summerfest music festival is happening and if you ever get the chance to go I highly recommend. For the price of general admission there are 12 stages that feature local and national bands playing great live music all day for 10 straight days, not to mention all the beer, booze and food you can stuff yourself with. Each night a headliner show plays in the Amphitheater and last night I was lucky enough to score tickets to see Tim McGraw, really good tickets too, center stage and about 30ft away from his stupendous thrusting pelvis. Naturally, Murphy’s Law means I did not have a fucking camera though, which is the only thing I was cursing aloud about for the first part of the show because y’all? Lookit, I love me some Tim McGraw, I really do, but there is no way in hell his outfit did not deserve a good old fashioned Snap Judgment. A SNARKY one.
Even now, I have just freshly Googled the interwebz hoping someone posted pics from last nights’ show but alas, there is nothing. So, I will just have to describe it for you as best I can. Let’s start with the jeans then.
Any fan of country music knows that tight jeans are a staple of the genre as much as a rapper needs their bling, but this trend of country stars with their OWN bling to go along with their painted on designer jeans is part of what put me off country music at the end of the 90’s. McGraw’s denim was soooo tight I swear to Dolly I could see the outline of each testicle, nay, I could count the hairs on the beanbag they were so tight. Timmy, I know you’re not likely to get a yeastie in them things but that much grape smuggling cain’t be good for yer Hardy Boys, ya hear? (Sidenote: yes, I was indeed quite inspired by the thought of that woman who grabbed his junk last year and sorely tempted to do the same myself, however those hotel pants he was wearing are obviously dual purpose, 1) thrill the crowd. 2) too tight to allow any traction from random junk grabbers. Dammit.) (Oh, ‘hotel pants’ = no ball room.)
The shirt: the shirt was black, it was sleeveless, it was ribbed. Okay. It had a very deep v-neck, made even deeper by the fact that the lace-ups were left undone so as to expose his very tanned and muscular chest. Also his assortment of gold necklaces, some bejeweled and some not. Oh, but this was nothing compared to the at least 3.5 inches of gold bling on his wrist, yo. It reminded me of Wonder Woman’s bullet deflecting bracelets, srsly. Basically the shirt looked to me to be Armani (okay, Armani Exchange) and was exactly the type of thing I would have worn to go club hoeing because it would have made an excellent titty shirt, seeing as how it was a WOMAN’s top.
What is the purpose of this outfit? Does one not attend a Tim McGraw concert because one enjoys his music? Apparently not. Along with the cowboy-in-spandexdenim-visual, McGraw also employs lots and lots of poses. What kind of poses you ask? Why, ass poses of course! Of the Pussycat Doll variety. During almost every song, when he is not singing, McGraw will turn and face the band (or just…turn) and present his booty to the wildly cheering wimmins in the crowd for several bars. Sometimes he cocks his hip to the left, sometimes to the right, later he would stand with feet shoulder width apart on two slightly raised platforms thereby affecting what I can only describe as the male version of Kim KardASShian in front of a camera.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of this spectacle, it just took me a little while to kinda get used to it since the last time I saw country in concert it was of the George, Alan and Garth variety at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo (holla!). Them boys might have had some tight fittin’ Wranglers on but right above the dinner plate sized belt buckle was a man sized, button down shirt. With sleeves. This is something else entirely, ladies and gents; welcome to the sexploitation of male entertainers.
I’m neither offended by this nor willing to launch into the pros/cons of it but I will say this, as luscious and delicious as Tim McGraw might look up there on stage, the package (heh heh) is totally unrealistic. Seeing as how the majority of his fan base last night went home with dudes that look more like Larry the Cable Guy than hottie Tim McGraw. (As observed by the couple next to us; the “Larry” standing behind his wife, she trying not to squeal with delight every time the crowd was presented with McGraw’s McHiney but after proving unable to control herself and letting loose a squeak or two, the Larry sez to her, “Yeah, yer lucky that don’t bother me!” before swilling another half gallon of PBR down the front of himself.) Yeah, dude, Thank Gawd she has your approval – like she’s not mentally fucking the sequins offa him right now.
The show was awesome, I rocked out to the music and had very impure thoughts about the singer and I think this was the desired effect. We caught a bit of the big fireworks show that started during the concert as well, and afterwards we had time to grab a couple of beers before the grounds closed (and we had to walk home – Boooo!). But we did win $50 in pull tabs too, so Yay for that :)
July 4, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Concur Kadinsky, cowboys and bling just don’t mesh. Despite Miss Faith’s screeching, wailing protests against the gropers, kinda sounds like “her man” antagonizes that very conduct. Oh Tim, you’ll never have a tenth of Strait’s true charm and genuine class!
July 4, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I concur…George Straight is the man. Well, as far as modern country goes.
Now, Happy 4th of July to y’all, I gotta get back to my young lovah.
July 4, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Ugh modern country. Why do foolios like Tim and Faith think they are: Conway and Loretta?
I will say, though, that I am hoping that Tim makes a run at the TN governorship – as a Dem, which he has threatened to do. That would be hot.
July 4, 2008 at 8:13 pm
*who*
I’ve been drinking since 11 a.m.
July 4, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Of all the genres of music that should never really go outside the box, country music is No. 1–Alabama using drum machines, anyone?
Anyway, I need my country to be, well, country, like Waylon, Willie and Johnny. Toby Keith’s okay–especially since his Ford Truck gig’s probably gonna go away now since no one’s buying them anymore–but, um, yeah, leave the drum machines to The Sisters of Mercy, please. Save the gloss for Britney Spears and the bling for Nelly…
…whom we might be able to blame for Tim wearing some in the first place.
July 5, 2008 at 9:40 am
OK, Kadinsk, I will not begrudge you your man candy- but we have to agree to disagree here. You think the McGraw is sex-on-legs, whereas I’M a lot more likely to get turned on by someone like Takeshi Kineshiro: http://myfilmblogs.com/japan/files/2008/02/kaneshiro.jpg (yes, he dresses a tad bit homo, not unlike McGraw. But srsly, slap a pair of big glasses and an architecture degree on TK, and I’d stalk his ass.)
ANYWAY, maybe it’s because of my classist, Southern old-money upbringing, but anything country in a man repels me like a hippie from soap. Even the name McGraw gives the me dry-heaves, and guess what? He has his own cologne coming out. It’s called? “McGraw”. Could you please be more.. Uncreative. It’s not like “McGraw” is even a thing. It’s not a word outside of it’s use as a name so WTF? Even P. Diddy wasn’t so egomaniacal as to name his fragrance with an one of his 1000 names. Ugh. Anyway.
I’m glad you had a good time, and I’m more than thankful or this sartorial discussion re: the McGraw, but I really wish you would have gone up there & grabbed his balls. Faith Hill is a cunt anyway. You could so take her in a fight.
July 5, 2008 at 11:37 am
Why Panda, Takeshi reminds me of a bathed and dressed-up Colin Farrell. Yum yum! Yeah, I was kinda hoping Kadinsky would grab the blingy cowboy’s package and report back if it was real or not. Oh what a HILAROUS post that would be!
July 5, 2008 at 12:02 pm
BDJ: “…repels me like a hippie from soap.”
QUIT THAT! There are plenty of hippies (myself included) who love and use soap. Pffft.
Add Kenny Chesney to the weird, gyrating nouveau-country singers. If you want to be in a boy band, be in a boy band. Otherwise, oy with the jeans and the wiggling and the glitter.
July 5, 2008 at 4:59 pm
@Ms. Jones: Don’t forget Mr. McGraw’s Limited Edition Spicy Jalapeño Fritos Brand Corn Chips; they’re good, but they also have his mug and autograph on the bag.
That said, I wonder what McGraw would smell like. Did Frau Hill have any input, or did she just scream, “What?!,” and marched out?
@Shana: Herr Chesney is just one step away from becoming Mayor of Margaritaville, what with his beach fetish and all. Maybe one day, he’ll even have his own brand of Mexican beer to go up against Van Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Tequila.
BTW, you don’t want to see what either of those guys look like without their hats on; it ain’t good, yo.
July 5, 2008 at 5:09 pm
@Shauna: Q: How do you ruin a hippie’s life by denying him Phish tickets?
A: Hide his Daddy’s wallet under a bar of soap.
It was mean, I’m sorry.
July 5, 2008 at 8:36 pm
@Cam: “Herr Chesney” OMG. You crack me up. Heart you.
July 5, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Kadinsky we are practically neighbors! I live about 45 min. north of you- I luuuvvv Summerfest but haven’t been there in years! (raisin’ those pesky kids, workin’ that pesky job, grrr) my parents tell me I was at the first Summerfest-1 yr.old me was on my dad’s shoulders and fell asleep from all of the pot smoke-ha! Good times…have a Miller for me!
July 5, 2008 at 11:51 pm
@Ms. Jones: Heart ye right back, ja.
July 6, 2008 at 12:21 am
Jesus, take the wheel!
July 6, 2008 at 11:09 am
@BDJ: grrrrrl, Kineshiro is Hott. and while McGraw is a hottie and all, as has been pointed out, it’s all smoke and mirrors for The Hatted One is not so sexay without the 10gallon. Plus I believe he is missing eyebrows.
@Cameron: bwahahahahaha!! Chesney! Another one who needs his hat like a child needs that blanket. Also, boyfriend needs to eat a steak or sumthin’.
@FHO: heya, neighbor! (hope you didn’t get flooded out). I will indeed have a Miller for you, and some pot smoke as well without you even having to ask. what a pal I am!
July 6, 2008 at 2:00 pm
@Kadinsky: Plus I believe he is missing eyebrows.
Um, this is a deal breaker for me. I loves me some cool brows on my boys.
I have to agree with Biscuit–me no likey the goat roper types. They become even more repulsive the more they depart from the true American cowboy look–one that just does not exist anymore.
I would, however, like the opportunity to grab his prosthetic and report to the world what type of fruit and/or vegetable he’s keeping in his pants. Bonus points for gettin’ spittled on and finger wagged by the missus.
July 6, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Paisley and Kadinsky, your mission if you choose to accept it…storm the stage of the next Tim McGraw concert and confirm the fruits/veggies/nuts stuffing the HOTEL pants, resolve the status debate of the eyebrows and give us one hilarious posting recount of your mission. Your curious, antagonistic fellow Buttercups will provide ticket and bail $$! Extra liquor and laughs if you can make Faith have another red-neck hissie fit in public.
The Devil… :)
July 7, 2008 at 9:55 am
what say you, Paisley? I think we have to accept this challenge on sheer principle, also I am dead curious to know what lies between the “Indian Outlaw” and “Friday Night Lights” versions of teh McGraw.
and hey, The Devil made us do it >;)
July 7, 2008 at 10:59 am
@Kadinsky: Why of course you can and The Devil will back you every step of the way! :)
July 7, 2008 at 1:47 pm
@Devil & Kadinsky: This is equally tempting and revolting to ponder, but spark my spliff man, and I’ll be all over it like a pair of starched Wranglers on a wannabe cowboy’s ass.
July 7, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Why Paisley, just hit the stage and grab that wannabe cowboy’s ass and give us your thoughts! And just remember…The Devil made you do it… :)