Brits call it “orange peel skin”, we crass Americans have been known to apply the label “cottage cheese thighs”, but whatever the name, rest assured that if you’re female, you’re likely afflicted with some degree of it. Cellulite affects nearly 85 percent of women- epidemic proportions!- and yet there is no cure. You can “lessen the appearance of” this unsigtly rippling, but never will you be free of it. How annoying is that? More vexing, perhaps, is that these stubborn fat formations inspire journos to pen pieces with headlines like “Dedimple your derriere” (/eyeroll).
So, what sort of miracle cures do SELF magazine and MSNBC suggest to smooth up your rumpcakes? And, more importantly, how skeptical am I? Find out after the jump!

The first tip offered by our tedious corporate news source is “creams with cool ingredients! Buy, buy, BUY!” But, in a move as sneaky as it is uncalled for, they try to squeak this little jab in at the bottom: “Losing weight (which means decreasing each fat cell’s size) can make cellulite seem less obvious but won’t eliminate it.” Yeah. If you were skimming this article, you’d totally miss this shining bauble of wisdom, but I’m not about to let it slide. Yes, maybe, for some people, losing weight helps eliminate cellulite. But, you can’t choose where your body will lose from, nor how much of your loss will be made up of fat. When I first lost weight in high school, nobody told me I’d be losing a shitload of muscle. But that’s not even the worst of it. The biggest let-down, the “um, they seriously never tell you this about losing weight, WTF” thing was that once your backside has been stretched out from being a little chunkier- it’s not just gonna spring right back like an elastic waistband. Nooooo, it’s gonna… hang there, kind of. Making cellulite look worse. Much, much, much worse than when you were all filled-out and lookin’ like a 2 Live Crew backup dancer. Here’s a mental image:
OK, here’s where this professional cynic was pleasantly surprised: Of all of the anti-cellulite creams they tried, the cheapest one (Soap & Glory Slimwear Puff-Draining Peptide Balm, $13) was rated the highest. This kind of melts my miserly, thriftstore-pirating, cheap-ass heart just a little. However, my momentary optimism was shattered when I read the “user’s takes” on the products. This Soap & Glory product only reduced the user’s thighs by a half an inch, while another user lost a whole inch from using the lowest-rated product: Korres Garcinia and Guarana Toning Cream-Gel ($38). Now, while I don’t doubt that not all of these testers were completely honest, it’s just bad editing on the part of SELF to show the lowest-rated product producing a better result. I mean, I don’t want them to skew the results, but it just seems ridiculous to post such conflicting info. Whatever.
Next up is the obligatory expensive procedure through a dermatologist- Thermologie, which will set you back $4 grand a session, and of course, one session is not nearly enough. But, what I’m really concerned about, is that nowhere in this article do they mention the most well-known, celeb-devoted derma treatment:  Endermologie. I’ve been reading about this odd combination of suction/massage for the last 10 years, and never once have I seen it likened to snake oil. Not to mention, that over the years, it’s become more affordable, with Endermologie pioneer’s LPG producing a cellulite-killing machine for home use. This option missing from a cellulite peice is like the smooth-assed elephant in the room.
And then, media dinosaur that my source is, they suggest slimming spa wraps. Um, didn’t we cover this in the 80s? Like yeah, you can spend an entire day immobalized in a seaweed cocoon and you will emerge a few sizes smaller, but you’ll puff back up to your normal size once you drink a glass of water. The article even says as much, so why fucking bother? Oh, and why call it the “cheapest option”? Last time I checked, day spas were still considered a luxury. Also, what of homeopathic remedies like salt and sugar scrubs? What about circulation-boosting dry-brushing the skin? Cheap bastard that I am, I scrub my ass with used coffee grounds, which costs me exactly NO money (because I’d be drinking coffee anyway), and has some of the same ingredients as these creams. What the fuck happened to “go green”, media? What of recycling? Sheeit, y’all ain’t nothing but a bunch or hustlers, pushing products to get paid. Whatever, I’m’a take this whole thing with a ‘uge grain.
This is far from a closed issue, folks. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this cellulite issue, and give you all unbiased remedies that work. Please to tell us about your cellulite cures in the comments!
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