Brits call it “orange peel skin”, we crass Americans have been known to apply the label “cottage cheese thighs”, but whatever the name, rest assured that if you’re female, you’re likely afflicted with some degree of it. Cellulite affects nearly 85 percent of women- epidemic proportions!- and yet there is no cure. You can “lessen the appearance of” this unsigtly rippling, but never will you be free of it. How annoying is that? More vexing, perhaps, is that these stubborn fat formations inspire journos to pen pieces with headlines like “Dedimple your derriere” (/eyeroll).
So, what sort of miracle cures do SELF magazine and MSNBC suggest to smooth up your rumpcakes? And, more importantly, how skeptical am I? Find out after the jump!
The first tip offered by our tedious corporate news source is “creams with cool ingredients! Buy, buy, BUY!” But, in a move as sneaky as it is uncalled for, they try to squeak this little jab in at the bottom: “Losing weight (which means decreasing each fat cell’s size) can make cellulite seem less obvious but won’t eliminate it.” Yeah. If you were skimming this article, you’d totally miss this shining bauble of wisdom, but I’m not about to let it slide. Yes, maybe, for some people, losing weight helps eliminate cellulite. But, you can’t choose where your body will lose from, nor how much of your loss will be made up of fat. When I first lost weight in high school, nobody told me I’d be losing a shitload of muscle. But that’s not even the worst of it. The biggest let-down, the “um, they seriously never tell you this about losing weight, WTF” thing was that once your backside has been stretched out from being a little chunkier- it’s not just gonna spring right back like an elastic waistband. Nooooo, it’s gonna… hang there, kind of. Making cellulite look worse. Much, much, much worse than when you were all filled-out and lookin’ like a 2 Live Crew backup dancer. Here’s a mental image:
OK, here’s where this professional cynic was pleasantly surprised: Of all of the anti-cellulite creams they tried, the cheapest one (Soap & Glory Slimwear Puff-Draining Peptide Balm, $13) was rated the highest. This kind of melts my miserly, thriftstore-pirating, cheap-ass heart just a little. However, my momentary optimism was shattered when I read the “user’s takes” on the products. This Soap & Glory product only reduced the user’s thighs by a half an inch, while another user lost a whole inch from using the lowest-rated product: Korres Garcinia and Guarana Toning Cream-Gel ($38). Now, while I don’t doubt that not all of these testers were completely honest, it’s just bad editing on the part of SELF to show the lowest-rated product producing a better result. I mean, I don’t want them to skew the results, but it just seems ridiculous to post such conflicting info. Whatever.
Next up is the obligatory expensive procedure through a dermatologist- Thermologie, which will set you back $4 grand a session, and of course, one session is not nearly enough. But, what I’m really concerned about, is that nowhere in this article do they mention the most well-known, celeb-devoted derma treatment: Endermologie. I’ve been reading about this odd combination of suction/massage for the last 10 years, and never once have I seen it likened to snake oil. Not to mention, that over the years, it’s become more affordable, with Endermologie pioneer’s LPG producing a cellulite-killing machine for home use. This option missing from a cellulite peice is like the smooth-assed elephant in the room.
And then, media dinosaur that my source is, they suggest slimming spa wraps. Um, didn’t we cover this in the 80s? Like yeah, you can spend an entire day immobalized in a seaweed cocoon and you will emerge a few sizes smaller, but you’ll puff back up to your normal size once you drink a glass of water. The article even says as much, so why fucking bother? Oh, and why call it the “cheapest option”? Last time I checked, day spas were still considered a luxury. Also, what of homeopathic remedies like salt and sugar scrubs? What about circulation-boosting dry-brushing the skin? Cheap bastard that I am, I scrub my ass with used coffee grounds, which costs me exactly NO money (because I’d be drinking coffee anyway), and has some of the same ingredients as these creams. What the fuck happened to “go green”, media? What of recycling? Sheeit, y’all ain’t nothing but a bunch or hustlers, pushing products to get paid. Whatever, I’m’a take this whole thing with a ‘uge grain.
This is far from a closed issue, folks. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this cellulite issue, and give you all unbiased remedies that work. Please to tell us about your cellulite cures in the comments!
July 11, 2008 at 9:19 am
Ugh ugh ugh. My cellulite is the bane of my existence. It starts at my ass and ends at my knees. If I lose weight, it’s a little better until you get to the upper part of my thighs and then it’s dimple city. I HATE it. Luckily, my ass just has one or two dimples that diminish when I lose weight.
I don’t know…some people say that cutting out caffeine and sugar helps, but I don’t know if I believe that. So, I’m going with the drink a lot of water and exercise thing. Sort of.
July 11, 2008 at 9:21 am
You know, the worst of mine just kind of went away as I started exercising? I mean I still have some, but the exercise makes it way less noticeable. I tend to do cardio that sort of incidentally works that area, not specific muscle-group stuff, but it seems to decrease the cellulite significantly.
July 11, 2008 at 9:36 am
Endermologie is WONDERFUL!! I’ve been using this periodically for 4 years and I’m an ardent supporter of the technology. It’s like very deep tissue massage and it will take 5-10 times on the table to really see results. It does smooth and tighten the skin. My results lasted about 6 months. However, my diet and exercise habits are awful so others might have longer lasting results. A session lasts 45 minutes to 1 hour. There’s even a small mechanism they can use on your face, which feels so good!
I use the LPG technology at a holistic health day spa. The experience of the technician providing the treatment can make a difference, so DO NOT hesitate to ask questions when finding your provider! I’ve never tried the home based tool, but I’m curious as to how effective it would be.
Endermologie is also great for natural detox. After the first couple of sessions on the table you will make several trips to the bathroom! The endermologies work on the abdomen and lower back stimulates the bowel process, which leads to a flatter stomach…at least for me.
July 11, 2008 at 9:44 am
I hate my cellulite. But seriously, its just dimpled skin? Why must magazines like Star act like these women are hit with the fugly stick and must be banished from mankind? And it affects practically everyone!
I have been using Good-Bye Cellulite, the one that gives you little pills for your “treatment”. And when I looked closer the pills are just CLA (Conjugated linoleic acids). That, any Gym-rat knows, helps burn fat while weight training.
So I was pissed off that it was way more expensive for a 30-day supply when you could go to the vitamin store and buy three times as much for the same price! And it didn’t mention anything about the work-outs on the “treatment” box. They were trying to pass it off like it was there “new amazing study!” Fucking scam.
July 11, 2008 at 10:00 am
@katastic: Mine definitely goes away during the periods of time when I work out. And comes promptly back during my lazy periods.
July 11, 2008 at 10:02 am
@GreenEye: I really want to try Endermologie. My cellulite stays with me no matter how much I exercise or how skinny I am (which I am not right now).
July 11, 2008 at 10:08 am
coffee grounds and wrapping yourself in saran wrap for an hour is the poor woman’s endermologie. It works (short term) if you need a quick fix before the beach.
In terms of creams, which are BS, Clarins seems to be the highest rated on makeupalley.com, which I trust slightly more than magazines, which are shilling for freebies.
I’m actually researching having endermologie done soon (thinking about buying a 10-session pack), will report back as to effectiveness. I have literally tried EVERYTHING except lipo, which can actually make cellulite worse (because it forms scars under the skin, making new divots that have to be smoothed out with endermologie) so this might be my last resort.
July 11, 2008 at 10:12 am
Oh and:
-dry brushing: doesn’t work on cellulite, makes skin softer
-intense massage (with bliss slimulator or other knobby massager) – works slightly, but not significantly.
-squats/lunges until your legs scream – works a lot for firming the area overall but doesn’t do jack about the fat still overlaying the newly toned muscle.
-giving up caffiene/drinking a crapload of water – makes your skin look good, doesn’t do a ton for your ass
-fitflops/exercise shoes (barefoot masai) – will feel a little sore after the first day, then nada. Plus, they are hideous.
July 11, 2008 at 10:20 am
NOLA & HamHot, I really think endermologie makes a difference if administered by a good technician. Good luck!
July 11, 2008 at 10:23 am
@truculentandunreliable: Mine’s like that too. WTF is up with knee cellulite? It infuriates me and no matter what I do, it will not go away.
The rest of mine is along the sides and back of my upper thighs and if I get hardcore with lunges and squats (which I haven’t recently) it gets a little better. But like HHD said, it never makes it go away.
July 11, 2008 at 10:26 am
I must be the only person who has cellulite (that is, an adult female) and just can’t be arsed to do something–most likely expensive and temporary–about it. No one is taking pictures of my ass and putting them on the cover of People, so I don’t see the point.
July 11, 2008 at 10:37 am
Back in my beauty PR days, we’d say: You can’t say “cellulite” without “sell” “you”.
July 11, 2008 at 10:47 am
I am more or less indifferent to my cellulite because my stretch marks overshadow its horrificness.
July 11, 2008 at 11:11 am
@PhDork:
No way, lady. I’m with you. I figure if almost all women have it, and there’s nothing really effective to do about it – then I have waaay better things to focus my energy on. Bodies aren’t meant to be perfect. You gotta just let some stuff go and accentuate the positive. Like my hair – that’s what I spend my moola on. The thighs however, are kind of a lost cause.
July 11, 2008 at 11:36 am
@formerlyzivah: Oh, that goes without saying. As soon as I stop exercising, it’s right back.
July 11, 2008 at 11:53 am
I don’t care about my cellutlite, how about stretch marks? And the secret to putting a picture of a panda instead of the one i see up there ^
July 11, 2008 at 11:54 am
@Historic Upstart: Thanks, mama. I’m not 17 anymore (and thank maude for that), and I don’t look 17, either. AND THAT IS OKAY. As for accentuating the positive? Um…check out my earlobes! Hot!
July 11, 2008 at 12:07 pm
@wroth: Ick. The teens are such a terrible age range. Anyone who really REALLY wants to be a teenager again doesn’t remember what it’s like to be a teenager.
July 11, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I have seen your ass. It is stellar. Let it be! That is all.
July 11, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Oh god, stretch marks. Word. There was an article on the homepage of WeightWatchers.com on stretch marks yesterday, which I inadvisably clicked on, and their solutions were, no joke (numbered in a list!):
1) just live with them
2) wear clothes that cover them
3) really expensive laser treatments that don’t work
4) don’t get them in the first place, fatty
It was the most worthless article I have ever seen.
July 11, 2008 at 12:48 pm
See, I am at peace with my stretch marks. Fuck it. I HAD AN 8LB. BABY WITHOUT ANY DRUGS WHATSOEVER, BITCH, WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?! See? Peaceful. Calm. Zen.
July 11, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I LOVE those issues of trashy mags where they show stars with cellulite. It makes me feel ok about mine. If these people, who have more money than I can possibly imagine, can’t get rid of their cellulite, then why should I stress about it? If there was a way to get rid of it, Mischa Barton would have done it. But she hasn’t, so there must not be a cure.
July 11, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I will never forget when, at the age of 18, my so-called best friend gasped and yelled “What the hell is that?!” and pointed at my thighs. Some ten or so years later… still there and worse. I kick my ass working out. No dice. I started using Good Bye Cellulite from Nivea (the gel). It just smells pretty and makes my skin soft generally. Fuck me! I am ashamed…
July 11, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@ meanmllemustard: This is not directed at you at all, but I fucking hate Weight Watchers. If ever there were an American enterprise that flies under the radar unscathed for their constant upchanging according to popular culture their fucking ridick methods of shaming people into dropping pounds it is WW. I went to one meeting in my early 20s and never spoke to the “friend” that dragged me there ever again. They come up with such silly ways of “counting calories.” And I am so fucking sorry, but if you want to have the body of a spokesmodel, it’s not going to happen by walking around the block. If it were all about counting kilocalories and going for a walk they wouldn’t have such a sucky recidivism rate. Ugh. No mas.
Now, cellulite. Got 2 words for ya. They’re actually names, but here you go: Lotte Berke.
This crazy lady was a dancer and hurt her back in an accident. With her background in dance and her intense desire to get back into the bedroom in a very active way, she developed this method of shaping muscles through holding peak contractions (I’m told Callanetics is very similar) for “spot work,” which has a more formal name (maybe isometric?), but today’s my day off and I’m too lazy to look. All of the exercises are designed to create a result (longer-looking legs, higher, firmer ass, etc.). Interestingly, getting rid of the appearance of cellulite is not one of the target results, but I’ve had very good luck with this stuff. It just takes consistency–which I have had little to none lately.
Any-who, she’s a fun gal. The exercises kill at first, but do not require hours of counting repetitions or what-not. She’s got one called “fucking the bidet,” and another called “knee dancing,” and trust me on this: This shit will improve your sex life.
July 11, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I do nothing for it. Cellulite products and people who write nasty things about women with cellulite can both bite my dimply ass. I refuse to play into this bullshit. I’m an adult woman, and my ass has teeny-tiny craters. Anybody who doesn’t like it is welcome to move on to some other ass. I used to feel crappy about it, but everybody I know has it, so I decided several years ago that it was going to be part of me, and I was going to embrace it in a lovely feminist “I yam what I yam” kind of way.
Same with “failing” the pencil test, the pale-skin-with-dark-hair meaning my legs never look smooth, my fine lines, my curly, out-of-control hair, my cankles, and my size ten feet. I eat well and exercise, do my best to be healthy, kind, and a credit to society, and the rest is just part of who I am.
(NONE, repeat NONE of which is intended as any sort of judgment on what anybody else does. This is just my personal method of dealing with cellulite, which is to give it the finger. :)
July 11, 2008 at 7:16 pm
dz–I don’t know, but I have a big pad of fat on the inside of my thighs, too.
Honestly, though, if someone were to offer me treatment for the ingrown hairs on my legs or treatment for cellulite, I would take the treatment for the ingrown hairs.
As for those of you who don’t care–I hope to be you one day!
July 11, 2008 at 7:17 pm
I meant on the inside of my knees. Of course, I have a pad of fat on the inside of my thighs, too.
July 11, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I’m laughing at this thread, and the BF is like “what,what?” I say: “it’s a girl thing, about cellulite. Boys don’t have cellulite.”
“No, but they have boy-titties,” says he. “Way grosser.”
He is pretty skinny. The little fucker.
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