Welcome back to Sugar Walls. We hope you had an enjoyable stay in Straightland, ask that you please strap in (or on, for you extra-frisky girls), keep your seat in an upright position during take-off, and just relax while you enjoy your ride into these smooth, calm Sapphic skies…

In-flight entertainment for today is in the form of a big, gay round table discussion, where our resident sexperts dish on what makes them tick!

QUESTION: When a girl immediately grabs your attention, what’s the one thing that always pulls you in, and what makes it so irresistible?

M: One thing that catches my attention for sure is someone who smells pretty. I think it is more noticeable and more intriguing than someone who smiles brightly or looks really good or dances slutty, those are easy to dismiss. But smelling good? I am FORCED to turn towards the scent. I can’t help it! Not that I go around sniffing girls like a creepshow, I’m just saying. It’s a pleasant sensation to walk by someone who smells really good. [Why do people smell better around the holidays?] Of course, this is a little harder to notice at a club or a smelly bar (incense? NO!), when everyone smells like spilled beer or sweat [gag], but when you do notice it seems even more special. Note that too much scent is HIGHLY unattractive to me and reminds me of animals in heat (desperate, single-minded, etc.), so don’t overdo it, ladies! Also unsettling: mismatched scents, like scents that are inappropriate for the time of day or season. It’s like taking a giant gulp of what you think is soda and find out is milk instead. There’s nothing particularly wrong with milk, you just thought it should have been soda. But don’t smell like food! I only like food to smell like food. [Good god, I am picky.] Thus, my vote is for a lovely, subtle, non-foodie perfume for the quickest, most effective, attention-grabbing ploy.

Bowling4Dollars: I love a great sense of humor and a gal who’s outgoing. I’m immediately drawn to the woman who’s holding court in the corner with a group who’s hanging on her every word, as she tells a tale that thrills, fascinates, or makes the group howl with laughter. I’m so drawn to funny people and if a gal has a great sense of humor, I’m a goner. You know why? Not because I love to laugh (although I do) but I truly believe that funny people are also smart people. It takes intellect to be fast on your funny feet. So if there’s a funny girl who’s also whip smart…and is tall, attractive, has a sparkle in her eye, a mischievous streak, and a heart of gold, that is who I am going to try to get next to allllllll night.

SkinnyBoneJones: While I rather enjoy the full package, if the swagger isn’t there I might not notice an otherwise perfectly lovely, handsome creature across the dance floor. A swagger contains a certain indifference; it holds confidence, strength, that critical hint of mischief, of a challenge, the palpable suggestion of sex. A swagger well-done implies the kind of expertise other swaggers only deign to convey. This one is hard, because a good lesbian swagger can also come with sundry undesirables: chips on shoulders, insecurity, mean streaks (and not the kind that come in handy in Le Sack), scheming “playaz” and/or intolerable levels of narcissism (a small amt. is to be endured, of course). However, if the swagger is rooted deeply in authenticity, warmth, charm and an ability to laugh at herself, she’ll have me hook, line and sinker. Oh, and exquisite facial structure never hurt a tomboy, either.

BangieB: I don’t go to clubs or bars and I rarely go to parties, but when I’m at the grocery store or somewhere else running errands, I am drawn to someone who looks soft. I’m not sure how to describe it, it’s just a feeling that I want to hug or cuddle or lean into her. It’s almost as if she seems peaceful and comfortable…and soft. Usually with dark hair and long lashes and sparkly eyes.

AngiesYoungLover: Something that has gobsmacked me this way and that is the inability of some women to hold a conversation. I know all women aren’t gabbers and that bars aren’t really the place for this anyway, but this goes for parties, lounges, etc. I mean, I understand it’s difficult for some to leave the simple “lol,” “w/u?” “nm, u?” and “gtg” on their desktops, but if you cannot hold a conversation with three-syllable words for more than four minutes, for God’s sake, keep sipping that Jack and Ginger and run along to the dartboard where you belong. What catches my eye, draws me in? A personality, Santa, that’s all I ask! I need to be stimulated (meow), intrigued and lured in. Don’t show me the random tattoo of “bRoOkLyN” that you have amaturely inked on your shamelessly flexed inner bicep, I don’t give a shit. Yeah, you have a very defined and lustful jaw line that I wouldn’t mind licking, but if you don’t use it to engage in some sort of intellectual tryst, your looks disappear, my pants stay zipped, and me and ma gurlz be bouncin’.

BritneyCanadaWhore: There’s really no one thing – the thing about women is that it’s always something different. Curve of the back, shape of the waist, a tilt of the head, a waft of perfume . . . That sideways glance that stops all the movement in the room for just a moment. It’s the eyes that do it. I don’t know what it is, but girls, femmes in particular, have this way of looking at you that can just totally disarm you. I can’t really describe it; it’s a look that somehow puts all her cards on the table and simultaneously yanks them back for you to come and find. A woman’s eyes betray her more often than she realizes . . . or maybe she does realize. It’s that moment, that one or two seconds – she catches your eye and looks away, lets a moment go by, then looks back at you, directly and with purpose. And your face gets all hot and your stomach does a flip but you’ve gotta play it cool so you hold her eyes for a moment and then look away. And you realize that she owns this room and you in it. And that the night is only just beginning…

Inchworm: well, i’m going to skip the ephemeral bullshit and go straight to the meat of things:

hips. i love hips.

i’ve been with many “types” of women, from femmy femmes to the very butch (or tomboys, as they’re called around these parts) and the inbetween. but, with one exception, they’ve all been hippy. pear-shaped, even, which is probably a result of my near-worship of the hips and borderline indifference to the breasts.

it doesn’t take much exposure to, y’know, pop culture to realize that the pear is one of the most maligned body shapes out there. big asses are good, but only if they stick out in the back. spreading at the sides is a no-no. make sure you balance those birthing hips with some decent-sized tits, etc. but, honest to god, i think they’re the sexiest thing.

i’m sure that skinny has The Walk more than covered, but did you know that the reason women swing their hips when they walk is because the muscles that hold the joint up are stretched thin across the span between the hipbones? y’all probably know this as the femmy hip sway, but i see it too in the tomboy strut (which SLAYS me). that butch swagger that sends chills up my spine wouldn’t be what it is if she wasn’t navigating her masculinity around the reality of her architecture. if she didn’t have to move her body to negotiate her hips, she’d just look like… some dude walking down the street. and who wants that?

so. you can take your triangles. you can caress your hourglasses. but i want to watch her hips drop as she walks towards me, feel their breadth behind me as i sleep at night, occupy the space they provide between her legs. feel their power as they push… well, you get the idea.