It pretty much goes without saying that I heart safe sex. There have only been a handful of times when I was maybe not so safe or smart about lovin’, and lemme tell you- I was freeeeeaking ouuuuut for, like, months afterwards. I bugged the hell out of my gynos, practically making them test me for Bubonic Plague bacterium, prayed at the altar of EPT even after the Crimson Tide came and went, hair falling out, the whole 9. Yeah, I know I’m impossibly neurotic and paranoid -srsly, y’all, I took my Meyers-Briggs test over the weekend and they told me I have the same personality type as Woody Allen and I’m like, “I know!”. It’s like, I’m not trying to be Preachy McPerfectpants or anything when I say this, but (probably due to my crippling neuroses) I PREFER safe sex. The safer the better, so I can fucking relax for a change. Anyway, what follows are 10 completely-safe-for-work reasons I love doin’ it and doin’ it well (protected):

10. As I just mentioned above, I like to be safe so that I can actually lay back and enjoy it.

9. My doctors like me because they never have to break to me any bad news. That seriously can’t be fun. So yeah, I love that motherly, approving, you’re-young-but-not-a-total-asshole-for-a-change-cuz-this-shit’s-getting-tired look my doc gives me once all my tests come back clean.

I’ll continue to wrap you in my latex embrace after the jump!

8. When you wrap it up, you can go again right after without worrying about any residual baby batter up on there.

7. Partners cheat. It’s a fact of life. This way, if my man steps out on me, I don’t have to pay for it with my health.

6. I’ve never been pregnant. No offense to anyone who has, it’s just that babies kind of suck when you don’t want one.

5. I kind of love that look of exaggerated concentration the guy usually pulls when they’re putting one on. It’s cute as hell.

4. Never had an STD up in here. And I’ve, you know, had my share of experiences. I can also count on one hand how many times I’ve had a yeast infection. I know those infections are caused by a variety of factors, but dirty dick IS one of them.

3. Not having a condom handy has actually spared me from sleeping with dudes who turned out to be total shitheads.

2. Cleanup is a SNAP!

1. My man and I get to share the reproductive responsibility and SHARING IS CARING!

I love y’all like I love free Lifestyles, yo. Leave me some comments!