It pretty much goes without saying that I heart safe sex. There have only been a handful of times when I was maybe not so safe or smart about lovin’, and lemme tell you- I was freeeeeaking ouuuuut for, like, months afterwards. I bugged the hell out of my gynos, practically making them test me for Bubonic Plague bacterium, prayed at the altar of EPT even after the Crimson Tide came and went, hair falling out, the whole 9. Yeah, I know I’m impossibly neurotic and paranoid -srsly, y’all, I took my Meyers-Briggs test over the weekend and they told me I have the same personality type as Woody Allen and I’m like, “I know!”. It’s like, I’m not trying to be Preachy McPerfectpants or anything when I say this, but (probably due to my crippling neuroses) I PREFER safe sex. The safer the better, so I can fucking relax for a change. Anyway, what follows are 10 completely-safe-for-work reasons I love doin’ it and doin’ it well (protected):
10. As I just mentioned above, I like to be safe so that I can actually lay back and enjoy it.
9. My doctors like me because they never have to break to me any bad news. That seriously can’t be fun. So yeah, I love that motherly, approving, you’re-young-but-not-a-total-asshole-for-a-change-cuz-this-shit’s-getting-tired look my doc gives me once all my tests come back clean.
I’ll continue to wrap you in my latex embrace after the jump!
8. When you wrap it up, you can go again right after without worrying about any residual baby batter up on there.
7. Partners cheat. It’s a fact of life. This way, if my man steps out on me, I don’t have to pay for it with my health.
6. I’ve never been pregnant. No offense to anyone who has, it’s just that babies kind of suck when you don’t want one.
5. I kind of love that look of exaggerated concentration the guy usually pulls when they’re putting one on. It’s cute as hell.
4. Never had an STD up in here. And I’ve, you know, had my share of experiences. I can also count on one hand how many times I’ve had a yeast infection. I know those infections are caused by a variety of factors, but dirty dick IS one of them.
3. Not having a condom handy has actually spared me from sleeping with dudes who turned out to be total shitheads.
2. Cleanup is a SNAP!
1. My man and I get to share the reproductive responsibility and SHARING IS CARING!
I love y’all like I love free Lifestyles, yo. Leave me some comments!
ButtercupPunch - "La clique, c’est chic!" 
July 29, 2008 at 12:31 pm
11. Convenient balloon-substitutes!
July 29, 2008 at 12:38 pm
#5 is my personal favorite.
Some of my sexiest sack-time memories — you know, those snapshot memories that exist in your mind? — are of watching him put it on. I’m not talking about that perturbed, “Well, okay, if it’ll get me some,” way, but the taking command and showing respect way.
Mmm-hmmm.
July 29, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Yeah, Biscuit! I don’t take it to quite the level you do since I don’t use the glove now that I have my own personal ball and chain, but my [jaunty little diaphragm] hat is off to you!
July 29, 2008 at 12:39 pm
@paisley: Riiiiiight? The ripping of the condom wrapper is, I swear, such a sexy sound to me.
July 29, 2008 at 12:40 pm
safe-sex panda is cute!
July 29, 2008 at 12:54 pm
It’s Safe Sex Panda’s Dame Diana Rigg impression!
July 29, 2008 at 1:10 pm
My dude and I had the “maybe you should get the snip” discussion last week. I’ve been on BCP forever, but I’m thinking of going off and returning to condom land, so he GETS that BC is a mutual responsibility. Also, ’cause I don’t like manjuice seeping out of my ladyflower hours afterward.
July 29, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Great list, BDJ. #5 is hilarious – I’ll have to pay more attention next time. #2 is very true and very handy. I have had long-term bfs that I didn’t always use condoms with, and the wet spot is annoying.
July 29, 2008 at 1:37 pm
@PhDork: I’m interesting in that too, but I feel like I’d be nervous and make him wear condoms anyway b/c I’ve heard the snip can reverse itself…SCARY!
July 29, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@paisleypajamas: I agree–the little furrowed brow is so cute. I also love putting it on them. Men are always surprised and happy if you participate rather than lying there watching.
@ktastic: Hearing the wrapper open provokes an immediate Pavlovian response in me (drooling happens downstairs, though). Even the smell of latex (which is kind of gross, really) works fo rme. I think our generation is probably the first generation of women who get hot at the smell of latex.
July 29, 2008 at 1:52 pm
@TheDomina: It’s very, very rare, and the way that they do it now makes it almost impossible. I think there’s about a 1% failure rate post-surgery, but they test about a month after the surgery to make sure he’s shooting blanks, and if he’s not, they can go back in and do it again.
My husband got his done a couple of months ago and we’re waiting back on his fertility test. I am more than excited to go off the pill.
July 29, 2008 at 1:52 pm
@TheDomina: No, they aren’t foolproof–I have a cousin as evidence–but nothing is. I’ve (almost) always handled baby-prevention with him (he pays for half my Rx, but that’s the extent of his contribution), and I know I don’t want kids. He said he doesn’t want them, but says he’s not sure he won’t want them in the future. I told him if that’s the case, he’ll have to find another woman to make babies with, and he probably oughta start lookin’, cause he ain’t gettin’ any younger. Next excuse: he’s afraid of body-alteration of any sort (“just like I don’t want a tattoo!” Waaah. Why would I want a(nother) baby, if I’ve got him to deal with.
Needless to say, I’ve cut him off for the time being.
July 29, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I fucking LOVE condoms. No mess afterwards, no one has to sleep in the wet spot, no jizz in the belly button (it is hard to get it all out!). I have never been prego and have never had an STD/I.
Trojan lubricated FTW, though I recently tried the Ultra Thin version, and those suckers are tricky to get on!
July 29, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I feel compelled to state for the record that my BF is not a shitheel. Maybe a coward when it comes to a sharp thing around his junk, but not a shitheel.
July 29, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Ok, well since I’ve already established myself as a rubbah-lovin PRUDE, I can say that there isn’t a force in this world that will make me get back on hormonal BC/going condomless. Fuck that. If *I* would have to carry the kid/ruin my body/get a painful abortion/get a fertility-ruining disease/whatever, the LEAST he can do is his part- wrap it up. Um, not to mention that letting him *go* in there is GROSS to me. Fuck that. My body is not a damn peen spitoon. Ever notice how all the annoying shit about sex is deferred onto the woman? Yeah. Not putting up with that.
I don’t see how y’all are scared to ask your men to respect your bodies by wrapping up, it just seems like common sense to me to not let the man have his cake & eat it too if *I* don’t get the same option. Fair is fair, and my man gets it. He never wants us to stop using condoms, even when we are married (in 2 months!). Maybe you guys need to sit your dudes down & talk about it. Who knows if anyone’s ever explained the woman’s perspective about safe sex to them. It’s worth a shot.
July 29, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Okay, these condoms? How do they work? Does it feel very different than without? How do they stay on? This all fascinates me.
July 29, 2008 at 2:06 pm
My first “explicit” sex scene in a book (some romance novel intended for the 90210 generation) included a line about the sound of the condom wrapper being torn, and since then I’ve just always seen condom usage as a natural part of any and all sex (well, aside from the girl-on-girl variety, that is).
My boy and I have only gone sans condom a handful of times, and I’m too nervous and paranoid (even though I’m on the pill) to enjoy it, so the possibility of orgasm without a condom is a big fat zero for me.
Luckily, I have an awesome and understanding man who goes along with my demand for condoms. His rationale is “Sure I like it better without, but I’m going to get off either way. With one on I have a better chance of lasting long enough to get you off too.”
He’s a keeper, that one.
July 29, 2008 at 2:09 pm
@BeckySharper: Hell, even just the sight of them still in their wrapper gets me all excited. Even before I had sex, I got a bunch of free ones from the Planned Parenthood booth on my college campus, and just knowing I had a cup full of them, ready at any time, was such an exciting feeling. It was a mixture of anticipation of something hot and that nice feeling you get when you do something good for your body/health.
July 29, 2008 at 2:10 pm
@Jerseylicious: Re: the romance novel you read. The thing is that we should view condoms as a natural, normal part of sex, not a pain in the ass. So when some of us have a problem with people who are cavalier about condoms, it’s not just because they’re “role models,” but also because they’re contributing to the overall culture that makes condoms gross or a pain or whatever. If condoms were incorporated into all depictions of sex, including and especially fictional depictions, I think we would all be a lot better off.
July 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm
A sign of a good man: he reaches for a condom without you having to say a word. Shows he respects both of our bodies/health.
I was at the doctor yesterday and got the normal tests. Today I received a phone call, which freaked me out immensely for about 30 seconds. Turns out the doctor just wants to see me again b/c I might have high blood pressure.
July 29, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Condom confession:
Once-just once- I had a condom break on me. It was with my ex, and all of a sudden something felt REALLY different and (I’ll admit it) good. We, er, finished, and he pulled out- and lo and behold, it had snapped. I tweaked, and called my gynecologist, and had plan B pills in my tummy two hours later. Here’s the thing- yes, it felt good. But it wasn’t worth it. I had to freak out, and both of us had to get tested again, and the pill made me feel weird. So when people complain about using condoms with random partners, I jussssssst don’ttttt gettttt it. I mean, I had to worry that much when I was with my boyfriend. With some completely random dude, it would have been panic-attack inducing. It’s bad enough when the condom breaks or malfunctions, as they sometimes (albeit rarely) do. Why would you forego even the attempt at a precaution? So not worth it!
July 29, 2008 at 2:23 pm
@BAngieB: Definitely better without. The skin-on-skin thing is much more intimate and you can pull it out, suck it, put it back in, which I like. Condoms make the peen feel a little more like a dildo, but it’s not a big deal compared with worrying about pregnancy and STIs.
My one huge quibble with condoms is that they do tend to dry you out, which is irritating in every sense of the word (esp. Trojans. Trojan dry me out like a hot hairdryer pointed at my vadge. No joke). But there’s lube for that.
Also, anyone else ever tried the polyurethane ones? They have a weird crinkly texture like putting a plastic bag over the peen, but they don’t dry you as much and apparently they conduct heat better, which men like. Also, no latex smell.
@dorothyZbornak: Totally. When I’m in the condom aisle at the drugstore, I get excited like when I’m in the candy aisle anticipating the different sweeties I’m going to eat.
July 29, 2008 at 2:26 pm
@cate3710: Amen! I knew my man was a good one when he did just that. I didn’t have to say a word. That’s the way it should be.
But, if your man doesn’t lead the way, ladies we gotta take the reins and have our own condoms at the ready.
@Jerseylicious: The book I’m reading right now (Savannah Blues, a fun beach book, BTW) has a sex scene where the heroine sleeps with her new guy for the first time and before she’ll go there, she asks if he has a condom. He doesn’t and she says no way. So he goes to the store and buys a big box, so not only do they use one that night, but he implies they’ll use them continually after. And it was written in a fun, sexy way, so that it felt natural and sweet, not like it was a pain in their ass. I liked that.
July 29, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I mean, I just don’t get the strength of the ” it feels better” argument. Heroin feels good, from what I understand. But I’m not about to try heroin.
July 29, 2008 at 2:27 pm
@BDJ: When is the bachelorette party in Vegas?
@cate: Nothing like having them spike your BP with a phone call to tell you that your blood pressure was too high on your last visit, eh?
July 29, 2008 at 2:30 pm
@truculent: Thanks for the explanation! Makes the tubal vs. snip debate much more in my favor!
@PhDork: Not a shit, just sounds like he’s coming up with every excuse in the book not to have a knife in his junk…totally understandable.
July 29, 2008 at 2:35 pm
No condom, no sex…not negotiable! Excellent job Panda… :)
July 29, 2008 at 2:36 pm
We don’t use condoms b/c we BOTH really hate them. We’ve created 3 kids together, own all our stuff together, been married for almost 10 years, and neither one of us enjoys the “with condom” experience as much as we do the “without” feeling. I think old married folks with good reason to trust each other are entitled.
July 29, 2008 at 2:39 pm
@TheDomina: Oh, the snip wins over the tubal hands down. Tubal ligations are invasive surgery, yo. You have to get general anesthesia or an epidural, and it takes a while to recover. With a vasectomy, you only need a local anesthetic. Also, there is a greater failure rate with tubal ligations and you’re at risk for an eptopic pregnancy if the ligation fails (which is still, of course, extremely rare). Why put yourself at risk if you’re monogamous and the procedure is much less painful and safer for him? Plus, I feel like we have had to take responsibility for birth control for a long-ass time, so asking men to take on some of the burden is reasonable.
I may also be bitter that my mom got a tubal ligation even though she still kind of wanted kids and has a scar from it because my dad was too much of an asshole to get a vasectomy.
July 29, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Was that last sentence long enough? I think not.
July 29, 2008 at 2:40 pm
@katastic: Correction- Heroin feels GREAT, until you puke out contents of your stomach you don’t even remember eating. Like, “Haribo Gold Bears? No WAY! I don’t even LIKE gummy candy!” I have NO idea how peeps get addicted to that shit. It suuucks. But now I want me some Gold Bears…
@pais- My bachelorette party is a big secret from me. I’m being kidnapped, flying to an undisclosed location and partying with god-knows-who for nearly a week. My girlfriends RULE like that, I can’t WAIT!!
July 29, 2008 at 2:45 pm
@Myrtle: It’s cool if you both hate it, so long as you share the load together, and it sounds like you do. Bravo, woman, you two have got it handled.
July 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm
@dz: I have definitely not been as good as I should be about having and insisting on condoms in the past. Part of this is probably because at least half the guys I’ve been with were virgins, so the worry about STDs wasn’t as strong. I’ve been lucky, but I still kick myself about it, and I’m vowing not to get lazy again.
@katastic: The strength of the “it feels better” argument is pretty weak. I haven’t noticed a huge difference, personally. And it’s not like it feel BAD with a condom.
@paisley: Happily, I’m about to go on vacation. So maybe my BP will be lower when I go in for my follow-up.
July 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I must be the token stupid one who has had waaaaay too much unprotected sex. It does feel better, that is definitely the truth. And I spent a lot of time worrying about pregnancy, until I figured I am either infertile, or it’ll take me months to get pregnant, if I ever decide I want to. But I’ve also had HPV twice, and that’s not worth it. I learned my lesson after I had to have my cervix frozen, and it felt like it was melting for a week. Worst. Smell. Ever. And it’s coming from your ladyflower. And it’s heavier than all the periods you’ve ever had put together. I carry around condoms now.
July 29, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Oh, BDJ, you know I love you! I didn’t mean to cap your ass. Condom use in marriage/committed relationships/after testing is a tricky one. Ideally we should all use them all the time, I suppose. I trust my man, and he trusts me, but I guess there are lots of trusting cheat-ees out there. Just last night I read an old whore’s proud account in “Vogue” of her hot affair with a married man, and she was pretty “meh” about the consequences to the wife.
Le sigh.
July 29, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I really need to get out more.
That’s not all I took away from this, but it’s a lot. I want a Pavlovian reaction to wrapper-tearing!
July 29, 2008 at 3:10 pm
@myrtle: We don’t use condoms, either, but we’ve been together for 8 years and I trust my dude implicitly. Besides, he would use protection if he slept with someone else, and he would also tell me, because I would do the same, and we don’t really get jealous.
July 29, 2008 at 3:17 pm
@dictator4life: No, I definitely had some stupid/lazy moments in my early 20s. And I got really lucky that I didn’t catch anything/get pregnant. But the few times it happened, I was absolutely terrified and no sex is worth that worry.
July 29, 2008 at 3:23 pm
So, I gave up the v-card this past weekend with a really nice guy who was sort of a one-night-stand but damn, it’s a good memory. Anyway, I was all nervous about it and mumbled something about how we didn’t have protection. I got a kiss and the response of “oh, you don’t have to worry about that. I come prepared.” And he whips out a government issued (yay, Europe!) condom. DreamySIGH.
July 29, 2008 at 3:25 pm
@bangieb: Moe? Is that you?
July 29, 2008 at 3:29 pm
@truculent: I’m with you there on the snip vs. tubal…just have to draw the man over to the dark side of my thinking. And sorry about your mom, that is terrible!
July 29, 2008 at 4:48 pm
UnicornPlanet: Not Moe, just a lesbian. But she’s not even Gold Star so you know she’s frontin’ with this peen ignorance. Yeah, I went there! Where’s Bowling to back me up?
July 29, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Option Number 3 has saved my as on many occasions. In college, we all had to keep our condoms with the roommate who was in a relationship, so if we wanted to have sex, we had to ask M. If you couldn’t tell M who you were fucking, well, you probably shouldn’t fuck him.
I’m in a committed relationship with someone I trust to the ends of the earth, so condoms aren’t a part of our sex life anymore, but I will admit, I do kind of miss buying them. I always felt so triumphant… “Yes, Walgreens checkout guy. I AM having sex!”
July 29, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I think it’s awesome that you guys took a negative (Jez posts promoting irresponsibility) and turned it into a positive (Safe Sex Week on BCP). I don’t currently use condoms because I am in a committed relationship, but because of all the discussion, I am thinking about starting again. If nothing else, it would be nice not to have to worry whether this is the month (after 7.5 years) the Pill will fail me.
July 29, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I still feel like I should hide when people see me in the condom aisle. I think this fear comes from the fact that my mom worked at the local health department, so if I had gone there for the free condoms, she would know. And if I went to a local store to buy them, someone would see me, and tell my parents. So I had to buy them in another town. And more than a decade later, I still look over my shoulder to make sure no one I know sees me buying condoms.
July 29, 2008 at 6:24 pm
@notaclevername:
oh, yes. That was my favorite part of pre-pill, pre-monogamy dating of Mr. Boyfriend. The triumphant “YES, I am buying a 6-pack of condoms again this week, Teenage Checkout Dude!”
I’ve been de-latexed for 5 or so years (testing, monogamy, long-term relationship, the threat to stab him in his sleep if he ever steps out on my fine ass), and looking forward to this coming year, post-snip. No more high-estrogen BC to make me all girly-like and tamp down my sex drive! No more $16 pill packs every month! Slightly more room in the medicine cabinet for perfume!
July 29, 2008 at 6:45 pm
I had a lot of friends who grew up on a small island, of only 180 people. So condom buying wasn’t much of an option. However, it was almost a tradition for the older girls to take younger ones to PP (a 1/2 hour ferry ride, followed by a 1/2 hour drive) to make sure they were covered. As well, my friend had little condom boxes she had made. Using slide boxes, she had put together little mix and match packs of condoms.
When it came time for me to cash in the v-card, she gave me my very own condom box. So, when the boy made a half-hearted look for condoms, I could just pull out the box, and told him there had to be at least one type of condom that would work for him. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt quite so proud of myself than at that moment.
July 29, 2008 at 7:07 pm
@London: That’s an awesome story. It’s really great that the older girls looked out for the younger ones, and the condom box is a great idea.
July 29, 2008 at 8:02 pm
@nowimpissed: I am NOT fronting. It’s been 17 years, and my experience was minimal.
July 29, 2008 at 8:24 pm
@BDJ and all of the ladies of BCP: You ladies are freaking awesome, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed these posts. Today, I was updated on an old roommate (who, when we were sophomores in college, was convinced that using the rhythm method as a BC method was sufficient and balked at the rest of us freaking out at that) trying to grasp Internet Fame, and what of course comes to mind is her quip that she would rather go through 10 pregnancy/STD scares similar to the one she went through if it meant her cat was still alive. I can understand how devestating the death of a beloved pet can be, but this seemed…excessive?
FWIW, I’ve been with the same guy for eight years and we’re getting married in October, but you better be sure we use the Pill and condoms. Some of our friends have the gall to balk at that. Yet none of them want to raise an unwanted baby (unsurprisingly, they are all MALE), so they can all STFU. Hurrah for safe sex!
(aka bellethellama from Jezebel)
July 29, 2008 at 9:39 pm
@London: Oh I love those stick-together, mentor the younger one dynamics! I hope that tradition remains alive and well.
July 29, 2008 at 10:00 pm
@nadarine: Sometimes I just stand in the condom aisle and look around to be sure things haven’t changed too much.
And my man isn’t afraid of stabbing. Because I looked him in the eye and said, “If you EVER fuck around on me, I will put all three of your bikes on eBay and take the proceeds to Sephora.”
July 29, 2008 at 10:41 pm
BeckySharper: “Men are always surprised and happy if you participate rather than lying there watching.”
Taken out of context, that is my favorite new quote.
I hate condoms. Used ’em for the first five years of my brilliant sexual career, then stopped a few months into a relationship. Discovered that feeling a man come inside me makes me have an(other) orgasm.
So, for me, yes, bareback is better, if I’ve got a steady.
Otherwise, I have a few dozen Lifestyles Ultra Sensitives in my nightstand drawer.
July 30, 2008 at 2:44 am
See, if you put it on him with your mouth, you get “fascination face” instead.
And it’s all about the Kimono’s gals.
July 30, 2008 at 1:05 pm
What? Adults enjoying safe sex? How can this be?
Seriously, though, thanks for this post. I fully support the “let’s-make-sure-safe-sex-is-what’s-viewed-as-normal” thing.
October 27, 2008 at 9:44 pm
thanks for sharing that info. Condoms are great and safe sex is excellent.
Sergio condoms, http://www.thecondomzone.com