I hope y’all haven’t been slacking off at work too much and you have a nice clear spot on your desk — ‘cuz your head is gonna need a place to thunk in a minute.

I realize that mens magazines are not the best place to spend my time, but to be honest with you, if I’m going to be stuck reading a magazine then I’d rather it be a dude mag than some bullshit Cosmo that never fails to induce mega eye rolls of disdain (WHY MEN CHEAT IN AUGUST!! WHAT HE’S DYING FOR YOU TO DO IN BED!!) Come the fuck on already, there are not that many “sex secrets” in the whole universe, Cosmotards – write about something ORIGINAL. Oh, and HELPFUL.

Anyway, last week I happened upon an article in Details (I know) about single men who are turning to vasectomies “for liberation”. The oppression these dudes are fleeing from is apparently the terrifying, soul stealing, gut clenching two headed scourge of Unwanted Pregnancy and Condoms. Yeeeeaaaaah.

The article was comprised of 1,011 words about a 23 yr old who paid cash and lied about his age to get the big snip, a short historical paragraph on ye olde slash and yanks, some doctor-ish information about the procedure, reversals and complications and something about Tom Brady being a douche sucker. While there were several inches of article space devoted to guys being tricked into pregnancies or “oopsed”, there was NOT A FUCKING WORD mentioned about sexually transmitted diseases. [INSERT HEAD THUNK HERE]

As I said, I know that opening the pages of these magazines is not going to bring me face to face with the most enlightening information and certainly will not update or inform me regarding any womens issues, but since when is safe and practical sexual health a women only issue? The entire point of the article seems to be that avoiding an accidental or unwanted pregnancy is paramount to any single, sexually active male – that they’re all out there just quaking in their Y fronts, more afraid of having to deal with a pregnant partner than getting that return call from the doctors office, “Mr. Smith? This is Dr. Reality’s office calling about the results from your last physical……Dr. Reality would like to know how soon you can come in.” Dude, you know it’s never good when they ask you to come in.

There is a particularly vomit-inducing part where the author relates the woes of a feller who decided to get snipped after a half dozen pregnancy scares mostly resulting from his one night stands. Uh, I don’t know what kind of game this dude has that he can talk his way into the sack bareback, but the fact that his dumbass self CHOOSES to have unprotected sex makes me want to wish his worst nightmare on him. A nightmare which is apparently not contracting an incurable sexually transmitted disease, but the fertilization of an egg with his sperm. And you know what? I might have to agree. If fucksticks like him and the lazy fucker that wrote the article, think that “birth control” is the only thing they need to worry themselves about when it comes to casual sex then they probably shouldn’t breed in the first place.