In life, sometimes you come across stories (usually on those TV shows about civil court) where neither of the people involved come out smelling like a rose. Yet, the moral gray areas inherent to such stories appear darker in one camp than in the other, so it’s almost impossible as an onlooker to not rubberneck at the human trainwreck and not engage in a rousing round of the Blame Game. Who is the bigger asshole? Which action is deserving of the most ire? But keep in mind: It’s not who did what to whom, but who did it first. After the jump, we’ll dissect such a scummy story like one might rifle around for pieces of dark meat or tendon in a Chicken McNugget- it’s dirty, it’s greasy, and almost nothing is what it appears to be.

Like sperms in the hourglass, so are the flays of our lives…

Sooo, I know this guy who got the snip at 18 years old. Guy got fixed and never told a SOUL about it. He never told any of the women he dated, and when he got a steady girlfriend he didn’t mention that key piece of information to her, either. These two stay together for 10 years and he never brings it up. Meanwhile, she’s shelling out for birth control this entire decade, playing mad scientist with her hormones so that they in their “monogamous” relationship can go rubber-free. Hang on, sorry, but that is FUCKED. Hormonal BC ain’t no walk in the park, and dudes need to know that. Depending on the type of BC and the woman’s body, the complications can be severe. Ever seen bloodclots caused by HBC? I have. After starting Depo shots, my friend Jaime’s legs looked like Rocky Balboa’s face after 15 rounds with Apollo Creed. Not good. Especially since bloodclots aren’t just an unattractive nuisance, they can be fatal. Aside from clots, HBC can do all sorts of gnarly things to your body. If you don’t expressly need it, you should forgo taking the stuff, as with ANY medication. Like, what if your doctor misdiagnosed you with something and you had to take the pricey, side-effect-laden meds for 10 years before your MD gets around to going, “I really had you going there, didn’t I?” That’s bullshit, man. A woman’s body is not a chemistry set. Not to mention that your reproductive wants, needs, and abilities are surely something you should discuss with your long-time partner. Both parties entering into the relationship saying, “I don’t want kids” is not a set-in-stone agreement (as either party could conceivably change their mind as time goes on), and doesn’t give one of the people a license to withhold such vital info. Withholding information = lying. In the same vein, supposing the wo/man DID want children, but was only saying s/he didn’t in order to stay with their partner and just hope to change him/her later. That, too, is dishonest asshole behavior.

Moving on, it would seem as if our boy here had no intention on ever spilling the beans about his surgically-assisted lack of potency, judging from his response to the following sitch: One day his lady comes home and says, “I maybe wasn’t so diligent with my pills and now I’m pregnant, we have to get married.” He pretty much laughs in her face and says, “Nyeh-Nyeeeh! It’ ain’t mine!” She’s visibly confused, he cops to the snip job, insists she’s a cheater, and triumphantly dumps her. When he told me this story, he was just laughing and having a grand ole time, practically dislocating his shoulder patting himself on the back for being such a blanks-shooting Genius of Reproductive Deception. I don’t remember what became of the guy’s ex. I mean, he told that part of the story, but I was too busy being disgusted at the storyteller for being a conniving, lying sack of shit to even pay attention at that point. He basically set the girl up for something he KNEW would happen, and then acted like he was the saint and she the lying whore. If he didn’t count on, nay, assume with 100% certainty, a woman’s capacity for lying about pregnancy or cheating, he wouldn’t have gotten on-the-DL surgery. He must’ve known he would date this type of girl. Either that, or he believed that all women are out to get a man with their insidious, fertile eggs. Regardless, it would seem that Guy really wanted his grand plan to come to fruition, because there’s no point in keeping that particular secret unless you’re planning on using it to catch a very specific type of person doing very specific things. It’s like leaving food out and windows open to attract mice, putting your spring-loaded rodent killer down in the corner where you find the droppings, and then acting all smug and superior when you catch a mouse with it. Are you seriously going to laugh in the mouse’s face when you catch it doing what you knew it would? Years later, are you going to recount the story of the mouse to your friends in a diner, bragging about how stupid the mouse is and how smart that makes you? Like attracts like, Guy, and self-fulfilling prophecies DO exist.

Onto the probs with the ladyfriend: One of a few things could have been going on with her, and none of them good. 1.) She was cheating on Guy, and got knocked up because of it. Plausible. I hate to say it, but if MY boyfriend was the kind of guy who does something underhanded and then thinks he’s so effing smart, I’d creep around on his ass, too. But, you know, cheating is wrong, and she should have dumped him. If she was cheating, and honestly thought that the baby was Guy’s, she’s wrong for screwing around. However, thinking the baby was Guy’s does not make her “stupid”, especially if the cheating was a one-off, and she would have no reason to doubt her boyfriend’s potency. BUT, if she knew the baby was Man #2’s, but was trying to pass the baby off as Guy’s, she’s double-wrong. If she told both men the baby was theirs, she’s triply in the wrong. However, I don’t think that Guy’s cartoonish level of scorn at her was justified. For all he knew, her cheating was a one-off, and for all I know about Guy, she could have been cheating out of spite to his potential cheating. Seriously, if a guy gets his wings clipped and then lies about it, what the hell else is he gonna lie about? 2.) She could have been lying about the preg to get him to commit. OK, that’s just gross. Gross, nasty, trashy, WRONG. Just like we women don’t want men using our fertility as a weapon against US, we shouldn’t point it like an ultimatem gun at THEM. I mean, there’s nothing inherently wrong about wanting your guy to settle down, but trying to force him with a fake baby bump (or even with a real one) is bullshit.

Whether the pregnancy was real or fake, whether she’s a mom now or she had a convenient “miscarriage”, she lied and tried to pin him down with it. Just like he lied and set a trap for her to fall into, so that he could laugh in her face when she did. So, I’m not really sure who’s the bigger asshole here. I’m likely to think it’s Guy, because he seemed to think his deception was sooooo funny, but to me, there’s nothing really funny about telling someone who trusts you a lie, and then busting a gut if they’re “stupid” enough to believe you. What do you all think?