Hi, Professor X!

Once again, it’s that time of the year… I need to consult with you sometime this week and get your signature on the LAST pre-registration form I EVER have to fill out because I’m a SENIOR now and I’m going to GRADUATE in May and move to a desert island where I will NEVER EVER have to deal with paperwork again because it makes me INSANE, and also, there will be no E-MAIL, so the Career Development Office can’t find me and send me TEN THOUSAND MESSAGES a DAY reminding me of all the important deadlines that I already missed and that while my classmates move to WALL STREET I won’t even be able to find a job as a MIGRANT WORKER because I have NO qualifications and NO résumé and NOT A CLUE what I’m going to do after college except move to the island and live off of COCONUTS.
Also, it’s 5:00 AM and my thesis, which was supposed to be an astonishing accomplishment that reveals my genius to the world and establishes me as one of the greatest contemporary young playwrights in America, is TERRIBLE and making me very CRANKY.

That aside, however, when can we meet this week? I’ll see Professor Y tomorrow at 3:00 to discuss this abomination that I’m creating, so I’ll be around. I can also do Wednesday before 1:30 and after 2:45, or Thursday between 12:30 and 1:30. Friday, I intend to be recovering from the previous night’s hangover and so I won’t be available until about 7:00 PM, following the post-alcohol guilt and preceding the time that my friends convince me I want to go to Xanadu and dance to misogynistic pop-rap with all the other white kids. So, Friday wouldn’t work (unless you’ll be at Xanadu?). Let me know if any of these times work for you.

Thanks Very Much – TailFeather the Formal

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Hey, Handsome –

I’ve decided that you have that rebellious, slightly surly, sensual, hint-of-pathos look about you (think Jimmy Dean, Jean-Paul Belmondo) that makes me feel like committing a slew of mortal sins. Looking at you makes me hungry all over. So, for the time being, I’ve set your picture as my background, to let it serve as a little inspiration – I’m telling myself that if I finish everything I need to do before I leave tomorrow, this will be my reward. Although that’s not entirely accurate, it’s the best motivator I can think of right now. You’re a mere ten dollars and two hours away. Were it any other weekend, I could see you tonight; that pisses me right off, but no sense dwelling on it. I’d rather think about you and smile. And I have to admit, this whole phone calls/letters, no instant gratification thing is sort of pathetically romantic. Maybe it will even go somewhere, who knows. Stranger things have happened – Michael Jackson, for instance, and reality television.

At any rate, I’ve got three three-page essays and two twelve-page essays to write, plus packing and four loads of laundry crying for my attention. In less than 40 hours I’ll be flying to Germany, cocktail in hand, trying to ignore the fact that a crash-landing in the Atlantic Ocean would be a most unpleasant way to die. So I’ll have a few more cocktails, take a nap, and wake up in Europe – not a bad deal at all.

But ah, my head is reeling, as I have everything and nothing to say. Be good, be safe, be happy, and I’ll see you in less than a month, cher. I’ll be back in New York for one night on March 16 – staying the night in a hotel near the airport – then Home, then back at school on the 23rd. So, actually, I won’t be gone long at all. I hope your show next Thursday is fantastic. I hope I enjoy myself in Europe. I hope a scientific breakthrough reveals that cigarettes are actually healthy. I hope that Jesus loves me, in spite of it all.

So, since if I waste any more time I’m well-fucked, I’d better get to my work. Sleep deeply and write me back, when you have time and are so moved.

Thinking of You – T

(Soothe yourself with Part Uno here: https://buttercuppunch.wordpress.com/2008/08/18/historical-artifacts-emails-from-beyond-circa-2003/)

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