Today is my first official day as a sort-of American, y’all (see what I did there? We don’t say y’all in Canada!!). That’s right, I crossed the border today, applied for my visa at the port of entry, was granted it by a lovely and sweet American Homeland Security official, and now I am here!! And so I feel no one will take too much offence if I point out a few things.

Let me preface it by saying this: I have loved Americans all my life. I have long railed against my native land’s kneejerk tendency toward anti-Americanism. Many of the most wonderful people I have ever known have been Yanks, including many of the regular readers and contributers of this blog. I haven’t actually known any who fit the internationally held stereotype, which, unfortunately and unfairly, is that of a loud-mouthed, ignorant and belligerent dumbass. All of the Americans I know and love are intelligent, reasonable, thoughtful and incredibly kind and generous.

So that’s why I know no one will take any offence when I point out the following: you fucking people eat too much. It’s a wonder you’re not all obese. Every supermarket is filled with a billion times too many choices — how many breakfast cereals do there need to be, people?? Every restaurant serves portions that are enough for four people, including the high-end ones. I went to a lovely bistro in Denver tonight and holy mother of hell, I was stuffed after the appetizer, which was enough to feed four or five people.

Tell me — why is this? Why?? And how have all of you avoided colossal obesity? How do you resist? Do you honestly believe these are normal portion sizes? Because they are not. If you order a salad at the Cheesecake Factory, I assure you that I would serve a salad of that size for a dinner party of eight. The food industry is fucking with you people! You don’t need to eat more in one meal than many people do in a week! Stop!! Don’t let them win!!! They want to make you fat and sick so that the pharmaceutical companies can cash in on all your food-related illnesses — I truly believe they’re in cahoots!

So stop the madness! It’s not about low-carb or low-sugar or all-watermelon — it’s about portion size. If y’all (!!!) ate the way French and Japanese people ate, there wouldn’t be a nationwide obesity epidemic. It’s not gland problems, people, it’s that you’re consuming more calories than your poor overstuffed bodies can realistically burn off, even if you work out like mad.

That’s all. Other than that, I love you all, I really do. And I am SO HAPPY to be here!