Many mornings I will be in the shower, innocently soaping up and singing my tuneless rendition of “Celebrity Skin,” or “Manic Monday,” or “Nothing Compares 2 U,” or some other random bathroom acoustics song, when I will be assaulted by an odor so pungent and foul as to cause me to fling the curtain aside, shampoo dripping in my eyes and shriek, “You PEED, didn’t you!”  And The Boy will stand there (having crept in, presumably with his hands over his ears), looking shifty, and shout back, “How do you KNOW?  I didn’t flush!  I wasn’t here!  HOW DO YOU KNOW!?”

How do I know?  Let’s just say that the current boy is not so different from others in that he has a major problem with the first piss of the day, which I’ve termed Agent Orange, due to its vibrant color and the fact that it is a stealth attack which sends me reeling from the bathroom, gasping for air.  While this problem is obviously exacerbated if the boy has been on the beers the night before, it seems like a LOT of men have an issue with gag-inducing morning urine, and I have to say, it mystifies me.  As far as my understanding goes, pee should be pale yellow, nearly clear, and should not necessitate a five-minute airing out period of the blast zone.  And it should not be ORANGE.

I drink a lot of water, probably 15 glasses a day or so, so stinky pee has never been a problem for me.  If my urine was the color and scent I’ve become accustomed to (but NOT accepting of) from the men in my life, it would be a sure sign of a) kidney failure, b) Hodgkin’s Disease, or c) a 48-hour Jack Daniels bender.  Seriously, wtf?  This happened yesterday morning and I had to put my makeup on in the bedroom because I have a windowless bathroom and when I tried to enter, was hit by a wave of noxious fumes so powerful my hair wilted.

Guys of the world, water is your friend.  Drink lots of it, and please don’t subject me to your morning stank.  I’m categorizing this under “Birth Control” for a reason.