Ok, so when that Adbusters piece came out about hipsterdom heralding the end of Western civilization, I took it with a pretty big grain of salt. Yes, hipsters are pretentious, posturing, annoying, and vaguely smelly. However, they are not entirely without merit. They ride fixed gear bikes instead of buying Hummers, some of them are vegan and that’s better for the environment than eating a lot of factory-farmed beef, they support local bands, artists and business owners. All gag-inducing vapidity and trust-fundiness aside, there really isn’t that much wrong with hipsters that isn’t wrong with regular 20-somethings. Basically, the most annoying things about hipsters (scene-y-ness, obnoxiousness, dressing stupidly, and leeching off their parents in order to fund their hollow, meaningless party lifestyle) are things that they will likely grow out of in a few years anyway. So, my issue is not with hipsters themselves, but with the symbiotic relationship between the popular youth culture and corporations chomping at the bit to cash in on it in ways that are humiliating for everyone involved.

How low can they go? After the jump, we find out..

Dress Your Family in Lycra and Spandex

As we are all aware, American Apparel advertisements are to hipsters what Abercrombie ads are to the fratty college-prep set- the be-all, end-all of fashion porn. However, as we know these ads we also know AA CEO and professional hard-on Dov Charney. So, I actually think that the T&A angle of these ads is less a marketing ploy, more a way for Charney to inject his kid-rapey 70s porn aesthetic into pop culture. So, um, yaaay?

We are the Hollow Men, We are the Stuffed Men

Disney. Oh, Disney. You evil geniuses, you! I don’t know how it is that the wicked pop puppeteers behind the mouse ears manage to create their bubblegum Guy Fawkes dolls to such pitch-perfect marketability, but it is surely unsettling. These Jonas moppets are so “on trend” that they make Miley Cyrus look as outdated and irrelevant as Liz Phair. Gawker called them a “sexual gateway drug.” I call them “hipster-by numbers.” Their layers and accessories and coifs couldn’t be more studied than if they were followed around by floating text reading “wardrobe courtesy of Urban Outfitters. See ‘Where to Shop’ section, page 354, for more information.” Rather than reviling the Jonas children for being cogs in the Disney $$$ machine, I mostly just pity them and hope that they save their royalties for the day their Pete Wentz ‘dos grow out and nobody cares about them anymore.So, kids, feel no guilt over buying your Camp Rock DVDs, it’s just a penny for the old guys before Disney throws them on the fire to clear the way for the next big thing.

Third Grade Sentences for F-Grade Foodstuffs

OK, first of all, this ad campaign should be a FAIL because the spokestoon is Paul- a slang slinging, cosmic vibing, fro-n-mustached douchehole who looks like the lovechild of Gallagher and Ron Jeremy. Not to mention that it’s running in a WOMEN’S magazine. A magazine that illustrates all of it’s ‘Have Sexier Sex’ articles with dudes who look like Prince Harry and Rafael Nadal. What makes McD’s think that the greasiest looking ugmo ever committed to ink and paint will move product among the Loubouton set? Maybe Har Mar Superstar still pulls lots of tail in the East Village, but most Americans like to buy things from good-looking people. No go, Paul.

Seeing as how the ad I’m referencing is brand-spanking-new (I found it in this month’s Glamour), there are no scans of it up online. I don’t have a scanner, so you’ll just have to take my word for it that it exists and read my annotated transcript below:

“Yo hey, I’m Paul, the original Dollar Menunaire.”

Um, “yo hey?” Who the hell talks like that?

“I pretty much live in the moment, most of the time.”

Because “living in the moment” is how most people end up eating fast food in the first place. Didn’t plan a lunch? The golden arches are there for you, brah! Don’t think about what that pound of fries and 20-piece nug is going to do to you in the future, because thinking ahead is lame lameyness employed by only the truly lamest of lame people. Only the most “deck” among us truly live free. Except when they don’t. Read: when they have to take a train to the folks’ house to free up a kink in the rent money hose.

“Like when I signed up for a credit card just to score a t-shirt. Didn’t need the card, but that shirt was callin’ my name.”

McDonald’s not only wants to sell you heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, hypertension and obesity slathered in Special Sauce on a sesame seed bun, but they also want to teach you that ruining your credit is “hip” and “cool.” I mean, why a credit card? Couldn’t they have said Paul signed up to donate blood to the Red Cross just for the cookies and free t-shirt? Couldn’t he have signed up to be on a band’s mailing list for a free shirt? They could have thought of anything, really, besides something that lowers young people’s already dismal credit scores. What. The. Fuck.

“Especially because it was laundry day.”

Again, kids, being a smelly fucking slacker is the way to be! Srsly, man, when you can’t get to Bridgeport or Norwalk so that Mommy can clean your be-skid-marked skivvies, and you don’t feel like taking the “hassle” from your “old lady” about your “lifestyle” anyways, you should just find increasingly desperate ways to procure new shit to make smelly with spilt PBR and coke sweat. BTW, grammar nazis, is this even a sentence?

“And when I need a little pick-me-up, some SNACK-ISFACTION, I order off the Dollar Menu without, y’know, preconceiving any notions.”

I’m not even going to touch the attempt at getting down with the hip new slang the kids are jive talkin’ in the streets and such. As for the “preconceived notions” bit, Inigo Montoya would say, “MickeyMenu Paul, I do not-a think that means what-a you think it means.” The definition of that phrase is pretty much “forming an opinion without adequate information.” Soooo, unless Paul, the cartoon figurehead of the Dollar Menu, has no idea of what food items are contained therein, McD’s is using this phrase incorrectly. Ugh.

“Just walk in and let inspiration show me the Fruit & Yogurt Parfait.Or the Side Salad. Or whatever.”

Because the Dollar Menu is so very, very inspiring. But, y’know, like, whatevs.

“It’s all quality eats.”

Hah! You’re kidding, right?

“Spontaneity-ness tastes good.”

Oh for the fuck of shit. I can’t do this anymore. It fucking hurts. “Spontaneity-ness?” Suffice to say, McD’s wants to destroy any “preconceived notions” people may have had about correct grammar being used in ad copy. They want to make you stupid. And fat. And an annoying hipster. Who lives in an apartment with no lights or running water, because his credit’s so bad that even the energy company would refuse him. But, y’know, man, whatever, yo hey.

We are all going to hell, tell us what you’ll be wearing to the black gates in the comments!