Welcome back to our Friday feature on BCP, “The Best Sex I Never Had: Sad Tales of Tail,” in which we invite our readers to submit their most humiliating, pathetic, and just-plain-awful sexual experiences for public consumption. Seriously, email us! It’s like a group therapy session with 1,000 of your closest friends. You’ll feel so much better after you share. If you would like to contribute, see the rules for submission at the end of this post.

Scoregasm is smart and gorgeous, like so many women we know, love, and envy, and you wouldn’t look at her and imagine she has much familiarity with the variety of humiliating sex scenarios most of us have to suffer.  You wouldn’t for example, picture her as the unwitting victim of the panty-sniffing type of bloke, so you would be just as surprised as she was to find herself in such an unwelcome situation…

Scoregasm writes:

One of my friends got a new roommate, “Alan,” who seemed like a nice enough guy, although he looked a little… prissy.  He constantly looked as though he would scream if someone mussed up his perfectly gelled hair.  His face resembled that of a muppet – a bit overly expressive, with a wide mouth and somewhat exaggerated features. I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him, but we hooked up a few times.  The last time we hooked up, Alan had recently gotten a new puppy. 

The dog was a mastiff mix.  It was HUGE.  Even as a puppy, I have no doubt that it topped 100 pounds.  MASSIVE.  Now, this last time we were having sex, the puppy kept jumping up on the bed and onto us, to Alan’s endless amusement.  Not a huge deal, as I like dogs, but it certainly takes away from the rhythm and it wasn’t pleasant, given the size of the dog.  After we finished, I went to sleep, but I kept noticing that Alan was getting up over and over during the night, rustling through his dresser and moving things around.  The next morning, when I was getting dressed, I noticed my underwear was missing.  When I asked Alan to help me find them, he told me in a very unconcerned voice, “Oh, the dog probably ate them.”  I was irritated, because I really liked the underwear, but continued dressing and left. 

The underwear were lavender bikini-style.  They weren’t outrageously expensive or fancy, but I have a preference for a certain type of microfiber underwear, so they weren’t exactly cheap either.

About a month later, my friend went into Alan’s room to borrow a T-shirt.  When he got into his dresser drawer, he noticed my underwear crumpled up in his drawer underneath a bottle of lube.  Oh, yeah.  He straight up stole my underwear.

I know, it’s not nearly as bad as a lot of the ones that have been featured in the past, but seriously?  Who gets up in the middle of the night and STEALS a girl’s underwear?  The situation was so over-the-top, that I kind of laughed it off at first.  I had no frame of reference for it; I mean, I’ve never known anyone else who had their panties stolen by some weirdo.  Of course, the more it bounced around in my head, the more confusing and disturbing it was.  Was I the only girl he had stolen panties from?  Was it a spur of the moment thing, or had he planned it from the moment we met?  I had so many questions that I eventually had to stop thinking about it, lest my brain go places I can’t come back from.

Can you top Scoregasm’s story? Is that good sex compared to what you’ve been through? If you’d like to contribute a sad tale of tail, please email: tarred.and.tailfeathered@gmail.com. Keep it short, sweet, and as explicit as you like. Include your preferred pseudonym. Please also be factual – this is not “Penthouse Forum.” And that’s it! We can’t wait to hear the gory details, so get to it. They’re posted in the order in which they’re received.