Welcome back to our Friday feature on BCP, “The Best Sex I Never Had: Sad Tales of Tail,” in which we invite our readers to submit their most humiliating, pathetic, and just-plain-awful sexual experiences for public consumption. Seriously, email us! It’s like a group therapy session with 1,000 of your closest friends. You’ll feel so much better after you share. If you would like to contribute, see the rules for submission at the end of this post.

Reader Genene has chosen to share two very special (see: terrible) sexual occasions with us, including a description of the running bedroom monologue proffered by her motivational speaker sex partner, as well as the disappointing details of an uninspired romp with a drowsy Italian.  The PTSD starts after the jump…

Genene writes:

1)  The Motivational Speaker

I met him at a party about a year ago, and thought he was a loser then, so I dissed and moved on.  Then, a couple of months ago, we ran into each other at a BeerFest, and he said he had not forgotten about me.  As the night wore on (and I got drunker), he said all the right things, so I decided to give him a shot.  We went out on two dates, and I wasn’t really feeling him, but I decided to see if we had some chemistry in the bedroom.  And what a mistake.  He “spoke” throughout the entire sex act.  Oh, yes.  It was a constant running dialogue of positivity while he pumped away:

“Doesn’t this feel great?  I am so happy right now, aren’t you happy?  Don’t you feel how perfect we are together?  This is wonderful!”

(Brief pause).

“It’s an honor to be in you right now.”

(Pumping starts again).

“Are you good?  Are you done?  Okay.  You want me to come now?  You want to try any new positions?  No?  Okay.  Then I am ready to.  I am going to come now, okay, I dont want to you be scared, okay?  I am going to shake and make noise, and I want you to hold me, okay?  I just want you to be prepared, okay?  Okay?  Here I go!”

Lord, that sex was bad.  So bad, it has put me off men ever since.  Seriously.  I dumped him over the phone after he missed my birthday.  I told him it wasn’t working, and he said that he wasn’t serious about me anyway.  Whatever, I laughed at him down the phone and said I was glad, if that was the case, because he really sucked at whatever the hell we were doing. 
2)  The Italian
Then there was an Italian guy that I took home for some easy-breezy loving.   He wanted me to go down on him, but oh, no, I gets mine first, so I pushed his head down to my lap.  He proceeded to give me one, two licks, and asked if I was “ready.”  No, I said, get it going!  Then he proceeds to do the slow lick thing again, and then falls asleep with his head in my lap.  When I wake him up, he says he has to go home to his wife.  What!???

Can you top Genene’s story? Is that good sex compared to what you’ve been through? If you’d like to contribute a sad tale of tail, please email: tarred.and.tailfeathered@gmail.com. Keep it short, sweet, and as explicit as you like. Include your preferred pseudonym. Please also be factual – this is not “Penthouse Forum.” And that’s it! We can’t wait to hear the gory details, so get to it. They’re posted in the order in which they’re received.