So this summer I dated a guy whom I just wasn’t that into. However, he decided he was madly in love with me. Feeling smothered and turned off by his ardour, I dumped him before heading to the United States of America, grateful that I could use the old “I’m moving away” excuse instead of coming right out and telling him, once again, all the ways in which just about everything about him seriously bugged my ass.

I did it kindly — I told him he needed to invest in regular therapy, not just one visit, because he was essentially a kind-hearted person who deserved happiness but his myriad emotional issues would ensure he never found it. I told him we could still be friends. I said I didn’t mind hearing from him every now and again, because he was in fact the kind of guy you could be friends with but should never ever ever ever ever ever ever date.

It’s now a month and a half later, however, and he’s still hanging on, e-mailing me all the time, long-winded boring e-mails detailing the minutiae of his life (and funnily enough, still no regular therapy!) and pulling innocuous reasons out of thin air to find an excuse to contact me.

To whit:

1. “Where’s a good place to shop for rugs?”

2. “Did you see this story about **insert no-brainer omnipresent news story reported everywhere here**?”

3. “I hope you’re routinely reading **insert name of the most famous columnist on the planet writing about what I do every day of my life.**”

3. “Did you hear that your old friend So-and-So, of whom I have never before expressed any interest, is doing such-and-such?”

4. “Can you send me your recipe for pie pastry again?”

5. “How are your kids?” (This one is a real laugh riot, because when we were dating he pretty much openly viewed my children as pesky obstacles that kept him from me).

For the first time in my life, I feel like a guy trying to lose some needy chick who has wedding bells ringing in her head. In fact, this clown has told my friend that he has a 10-year-plan and is going to win me back and he knows, just knows, that we will end up together. This despite the fact that if I even bother responding to him, it is in terse one or two sentence replies, many of them along these lines: “Yes, OF COURSE I read that story.” Or: “Yes, I heard from my friend HERSELF telling me all about it.” Or: “As mentioned previously, it’s the recipe on the back of the lard box. Buy the lard. Follow the recipe.”

I have never been in a situation like this before, but I have been in his shoes more than once in my life. I have had done to me what I am doing to him, and it now makes me cringe when I think back on those one or two guys whom I was so hopelessly in love with that I made an ass of myself much like my former suitor is doing now.

It’s amazing how people will refuse to read the writing on the wall when they are intoxicated by the drug of so-called love. It’s also amazing how utterly nauseating it is to have someone in love with you when you don’t feel anything back.

Share with us your own “I’m just not that into you” stories. How did you get rid of the guy?

Advertisements