It’s time for a fresh installment of Office Party Gone Wrong (read the last two here and here), this time submitted by our friend DottyZ.  In classic Office Party fashion, it could easily double as a “Sad Tale of Tail,” and serves as yet another reminder of why we mustn’t hump where we eat (I rarely eat at my kitchen table, so this is fine). 

I must include dear Dotty’s caveat, which may likely serve as an appropriate introduction for any story relating to work festivities:  “Before I begin, I have to say this story makes me look like an asshole. That’s because I was.  I was, and still am ashamed of my actions on this night.”

Several years ago, a bunch of us from my previous job decided to go out for food and drinks to watch the season finales of two of our favorite shows.  We were all big fans of the shows, discussing them at work each week, so we thought it would be fun to watch them together.

One of the guys in the group and I had a storied past.  I’d had a crush on him for years, we’d hung out many times, and once, after getting unbelievably drunk at a concert, we’d hooked up (no sex though).  But this was all a big secret, and he was now dating another girl who worked in our building, so I didn’t think anything would happen.

Well, we all get trashed.  There were shots and beers and very little food.  And by the end of the night, there was just me, the guy, and our bartender.  So, he starts talking about the night we hooked up, and how we never really worked that out and how weird it was that we just don’t talk about it.  I was like, “Yeah, but what do you really want me to say?”  He didn’t have an answer, so we kept drinking.  And then, he kisses me. In the middle of a bar.  Before I knew it, we were full-on making out in the bar.  Then he stops and goes, “I can’t do this, I have a girlfriend.”  And then he starts kissing me again.

I know, I know.

So anyway, I give him a ride to his apartment, which is just down the street.  We pull into the driveway and he starts kissing me again, telling me how hot I am and how much he wants me. He starts naming off outfits I wear to work, telling me how they drive him crazy.  Then he tells me he’s been in therapy because he’s so conflicted about his relationship and unsure this is what he wants to do.  We kiss some more and then he says he’d love to invite me in, but he’d feel bad about it.

At this point, the windows are all fogged up, but we’re just sitting there talking.  All of a sudden, there’s a knock on the passenger side window.  It’s his girlfriend.

Y’all, I almost shit my pants.  He opens the door and she says, “I’m leaving.”  So then he jumps out and chases after her, leaving the door open.  Well, when the door’s open, the overhead light automatically goes on, so I’m sitting there in the fucking spotlight while they fight behind my car.  I wanted to curl up and die.

He finally comes back to the car (I couldn’t back out because they were standing behind me) and says they’re going in to talk and he’ll see me tomorrow at work.  And amazingly enough, we never spoke of it again.  I still don’t know if his girlfriend knew it was me, or knew exactly what was going on.  I left that job (thank goodness!) about a year later, and a couple months ago, he married that girl.  I sure hope he got her a big diamond for all the shit he put her through.

Please, share your Office Party Abyss horror stories in the comment section.  If you have a more detailed (but not too long – do as I say, not as I do!) story to share and would like it to be considered for publication, email tarred.and.tailfeathered@gmail.com, and we’ll post the top story.  Include your chosen pseudonym and title your email “Office Party.”  

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