Hey hoes!! Seeing as how my skin’s all jacked-up from my honeymoon (seriously- when you go from shaded & landlocked to assaulted with all of the trappings of the Caribbean literally overnight, it’s like going through puberty alllllllll over again), I really don’t want to write about makeup or beauty right now. Instead, I’ll be sharing with you the real secret of my success, AKA how I get people to like me (no, this is not a post about blowjobs), AKA how I show people that I really care while still maintaining my trademark unfeeling stoicism, AKA my recipe for the perfect Fall cookies. Deliciousness ensues after the jump!

As some of you may know, I got married a couple of weeks ago. If you’ve ever gotten married or have been to a wedding, you’ll know that this means tons of out-of-town guests coming from all over in order to celebrate, while the bride & groom run around like meth-addled squirrels trying to spend time with each and every one of them. I knew that a lot of my guests would end up sad or whatever that they only got to speak 8 or so words to me throughout the whole weekend, so it was my idea to try to spread my love around with my famous fall cookies. I made welcome packages to leave in my guests’ hotel rooms that contained: a meticulously crafted 2-disk compilation of love songs meant to perfectly capture the love of Mr. and Mrs. Panda (more on this later), a little booklet with some info on my fair city and advice on getting around, and a hearty bag of delicious home-baked cookies. Now, my intention was to drop my nerdy baskets of crafty love and run like hell before I caught anyone laughing at my handiwork like Michael Kors and the gang laughed at Angela on Proj Run’s “granny circles”, but I did actually get to see a few of my guests eating my baked goods. One couple, let’s call them ‘Minnie Moans Joans’ and ‘N’, chewed at my creations with wide, watery Precious Moments eyes as if the cookies were made from unicorn tears and the light beams that emanate from Mariah Carey’s hair. Suffice to say, the confections were a hit. Here’s how you can capture the magic of the Nights in Rodanthe trailer in food form in your very own home:

INGREDIENTS

  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 fantastic record album
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger
  • 3/4 teaspoon ground cloves
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup butter or margarine
  • 1 1/2 cups packed brown sugar
  • 1 large egg
  • 1/3 cup light (in color, not in calories/sugar) REAL (not Mrs. Butterworth’s) maple syrup
  • 1/3 cup of water
  • 1/3 package NESTLE® TOLL HOUSE® Butterscotch Flavored Morsels
  • 1/2 package HERSHEY’S MILK CHOCOLATE HEATH Morsels
  • 1 piece-of-shit Hamilton Beach electric hand mixer
  • 1 apron, or outfit you don’t mind ruining

DIRECTIONS

  1. Put the following LP on your record player: The Story of Them by Them featuring Van Morrison. If you do not have the following album, please proceed to the nearest record store. You may have to wait until January 2009 for the Exile/Polydor reissue. This is probably the most pretentious two sentences I’ve ever typed in my life, but I really like to cook to good music. Makes the foods taste better.

  1. PREHEAT oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. COMBINE flour, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, cloves and salt in small bowl. Set aside.
  3. BEAT butter and sugar in large mixing bowl until creamy using shitty handheld mixer. Do not attempt to use anything higher than the lowest setting. Once the two are “creamed” together, think about how you’ve always hate that term in baking, and the word “creamed” in general. Then beat in the egg and maple syrup, conveniently overlooking the pervier side of the word “beat.” Gradually beat in flour mixture until well blended. This is not as easy as it sounds, given that the “creamed” ingredients to dry ingredients ratio is really lopsided in this recipe, and that you have to gradually add little bits of water to the batter, lest these cookies end up drier than Dina Lohan’s troweled-on pancake foundation. Either way, expect that even on the lowest setting, your hand mixer will send little blobs of batter flying all over your kitchen and your person. The plus side to this is that the spice mixture in the cookies will make your hair smell not unlike fancy Aveda haircare products.
  4. Stir in morsels, but not before maybe sprinkling a few teaspoons of Heath chips into your drooling maw. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.
  5. BAKE for 9 to 11 minutes or until cookies are lightly browned and your house smells like waftings from the gingerbread witch’s domicile in Hansel & Gretel. Cool on baking sheets for 2 – 5 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.
  6. Once cookies have completely cooled, transfer them to cute little bat-printed Halloween goodie bags, sit back and gloat at what a good job you’ve done, then get to work scraping the friendly little gobs of dough off the ceiling.
  7. Give them to the people you love the most/ a guy you desperately want to bone/ set them out at your Halloween party. Acquisition of new admirers is guaranteed.

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Happy Halloween, hookers! Please to share Fall foodie tricks and treats in the comments!

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