Well hellooooooooo, Buttercups! Given that H-ween is my absolute favorite holiday, I actually have LOADS of Halloween features stored up in my little brain, but I can’t write any of it, b/c I’m getting slammed at work. Man, fuuuuuck. Anyway, before I bless you all with my horror hound picks for the Greatest Horror Films According to Me, let’s just have a little comment play-time: Tell us, what is your best Halloween costume to date? What is your best Halloween story? Tell us a ghost story! Anything goes! To kick things off, my best costume explained after the jump! 

Christina. Motherfucking. Aguilera. Dirrty, no less! I made this bitch from scratch, and here’s how:

* Red-and-white striped underthings are not easy to come by, so I hand-painted red bands on an old bra using acrylic paint.

* I then stuffed the bra with a rather expensive pair of chicken cutlets for that bolt-on boobjobby look!

* In the video for “Dirrty”, the visible red underpants beneath X-Tina’s chaps have a small, black-and-white ‘X’ over the buttcrack. You bet your ass I bought an iron-on embroidered ‘X’ and embellished my drawers.

* You see how it says “X-Tina” down the leg of the chaps? Yeah. I didn’t leave that part out. More iron-on letters. Damn, those things are handy!

* I bought and wore the cheapest, brightest, fakest blue colored contact lenses I could find.

* I coated my body in a can of Sally Hansen panty hose in-a-can in the worst shade of fake tan you’ve ever seen. “Dirrty” indeed!

* Using spirit gum, I affixed nail gems to my nose and under-the-bottom-lip area to replicate X-Tina’s oversized piercings.

* Lots of black eyeliner was applied.

* Countless hours clocked at the gym, so as not to muffin-top all over the place in my outfit, though X-Tina herself was mildly junk-y in the trunk-y during this time. (My having of body fat is actually what made mine the more authentic out of the two X-Tinas that year. Get this: the other X-Tina was a complete shameless ripoff of my costume. She was the sister of this controlling, obsessive, truly demented guy I had dumped the month before. He had seen my costume, knew exactly how I did it, and then went on after I dumped him to make his sister replicate the idea and go out with him on Halloween night. Creepiest thing to happen on Halloween in a long time.)

* And finally, the crowning glory of this costume was the X-Tina wig I made:

I bought the longest, lightest blonde wig I could find, which ended up being a shoulder-length sandy blonde wig- this would not do! So, I bought the longest, lightest platinum blonde extensions I could find, and lengthened the wig to mid-back with them. Method: to achieve the piece-y, near-dreaded look of X-Tina’s video hair, I secured the extensions on with rubber bands, ponytailing them in with the longest existing layers of the wig instead of sewing weave in for a more natural look. Then, I bought the longest black extensions I could find and peppered them into the wig by way of ponytailing and braiding in for texture.

Cost of costume: around $300, which was all recouped from winning costume contest grand prizes. Seducing my (not creepy obsessive) ex boyfriend through the power of Craftiness alone: Priceless.

I’ve shown you mine, now you show me your in the comments!!