Dear “Hipster Douche”:

Your holiday list has prompted quite a bit of discussion on our blog.

We’d love to give you the chance to explain — were you just kidding around? Personally, I thought it was kind of funny and a bit of a joke. Others want your balls on a platter.

Would you care to reply with a rebuttal?

Sincerely, Trixie of BCP

—————

Dear Trixie,

This is awesome. I love the outrage it provoked. Of course the list was meant to be self-deprecating and funny. It’s original title was “The Emotionally Unavailable Alcoholic’s Guide to Holiday Dating.”

Sincerely, “Hipster Douche”

And this just in! After the jump, BCP commenter B. Jane provides a list of her own:

And this just in, Part Deux: The author appears! Have a go, ladies!

1. Avoid any man who uses emoticons. He is not straight.
2. Avoid men who claim to have ski homes. They are using this as a front for all of the weekends when they dont’ want to hang out with you.
3. Avoid any man who reads Perez Hilton. He’s yappier than a yorkie on a tight leash.
4. Avoid any man who uses hair gel. There will be other sticky situations on your hands in time – you don’t want to start with the hair.
5. Avoid any man who doesn’t cry. He’s three weeks away from a mental breakdown.
6. Avoid any man who thinks girls don’t poop. He’ll be shocked when you are, in fact, a real human.
7. Avoid any man who won’t help you carry heavy things. He has no purpose.
8. Avoid any man who expects sexual gratification after even a drink. He hasn’t gotten laid in months.
9 . Avoid any man who is over 6′5″. Too much human.
10. Avoid any man who only wears skinny black jeans. In spite of the masses in skinny black jeans, he thinks he is unique. The self-delusion does not bode well.
11. Avoid men in pointy shoes. On a date, two people with sore feet is one person too many.
12. Avoid any man who is or was a college athlete. He thinks he is The Sun God.
13. Avoid any man who tells you when he is going to kiss you. He is insecure and you will pay for it.
14. Avoid any man who buys you a charm for a necklace, but no chain. He can’t do anything right.
15. Avoid any man who has ever spent time with a woman who excessively self-tans. The chemicals have gone to his head.
16. Avoid any man that watches what he eats more than you do. You will have no one to eat steak with because he will only take you to salad and sushi places.
17. Avoid any man who still has floppy, curly hair over the age of 22. He sleeps in He-Man pajamas.
18. Avoid any man who claims his last break up with amicable. He is a liar.
19. Avoid any man who is an insomniac. The crazy late-night emails will get old fast.
20. Avoid any man who drives a flashy car. Not for compensation reasons – though they may be true – but because he isn’t going to let you drive it. Accept that now.
21. Avoid any guy whose friends already know details about your life. He picked out your future children’s names before you went on a date.
22. Avoid any self-proclaimed playboys. They probably wear hairgel, anyway.
23. Avoid any man with a tribal armband tattoo. He is a mirage from 1998.
24. Avoid any man who makes an exaggerated point of being Irish. He thinks he is a character from The Departed.
25. Avoid any man who writes music. He doesn’t go outside enough.
26. Avoid any man who gets visibly uncomfortable around children. He has no soul.
27. Avoid any man who hates Sex and the City. He is intimidated by female friendships.
28. Avoid any man who lives in your building. Have you ever seen The Real World?
29. Avoid any man who has a crush on Pam from the Office. He’ll be intimidated if you are a. coherent, or b. not plain.
30. Avoid any man who have gotten into a great school, been offered a great job, or awarded an honor – but then turned it down. He will work this into every conversation you have. It will annoy the shit out of you.
31. Avoid any man who asks you to wear flats. He has a Naploeon complex.
32. Avoid any man who doesn’t think women are funny. He beats puppies.
33. Avoid men who liked 300.
34. Avoid any man who sends testy text messages. He has no balls.
35. Avoid any man who picks up a guitar and sings to you when you are in a room. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, he wants an audience.
36. Avoid any man who has artifacts from his past relationship scattered around his apartment. You don’t want each visit to be like a paleontology dig, wondering what you will discover next.
37. Avoid any man who you describe as “endearing.” He’s weird and you’re lonely.

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