While the subject of dating or loving or fucking a bisexual woman is something many lesbians won’t touch with a ten foot pole (let alone an 8″ dildo), there remain amongst queer women the novices, the naive, the romantic and the logical. Whether it’s the lure of the taboo, the probability of success in any relationship regardless of sexual orientation, being wet behind the ears or truly in love, bisexual women and lesbians manage to make connections more often than not.

Outside of bars, animal shelters, vegan coffee shops or Dolores Park, lezzies looking for love or a good old NSA romp have perused Craigslist’s W4W ads for years. The ads that bisexual women post, in particular, provide some of the most hilarious and infuriating entertainment a girl could ask for. I’ve been known to read them out loud to M in a multitude of badly done accents until we are both crying with laughter. A few years ago she programmed an online game of Bisexual Bingo, so she and her friends could amuse themselves whenever an unsuspecting bicurious gal wandered in, tossing around typical bi buzzwords like: “husband,” “34DD,” or “wet.” The other night we were watching The Craft, and regarding Fairuza Balk M asked, “So, bisexual? Or just crazy?”

Check out the insanity of these bi ads on CL:

SAD BI AD NO. 1: “Thank you for all those that have replied.We need a few more to definatly sign on.I would like to plan this for Nov.19,20,21 .those that have replied let me know what works for you.For those with interest, this is a playdate for a few hours around noon after all the kids are off to school.I provide a suite in Burlington and we meet to let loose and get a bit frisky.I am the only male.It is mainly for you women to let loose and try new things.No presure just a chance to get out.I do this around every six weeks starting in the fall and not during the summer(kids,vacations etc).I’m starting a little late this year.Let me know if you are interested.”

SAD BI AD NO. 2: “Ok I am going to try this again. I have been using craigslist for a while now trying to make some friends. It seems like a joke. It seems that people respond but then you reply back either they write you back with oh im too busy or some other lame excuse. I am 32 and I am just trying to make some decent friends. I tryed hard to find a bi girl who wanted to have a threesome with me and my boyfriend but I guess I am going to give up that idea for a while so here I am back to the friend thing again. Of course I am sure I will get more flakey people to write and say how they are this and that and you hear from them once or twice and then thats it. Oh well its only the internet right????”

Good times, good times.

Fun and games aside, the Sugar Walls gang wanted to dive deep (sorry) into the controversy and criticism of bisexual women by lesbians: What’s really behind it? Is it personal, political or both? Why is it so hard to live and let live, as victims ourselves of the same bullshit? Are bi women really as fickle, irresponsible and peen-leaning as they’re made out to be? Bona fide bi hottie kadinsky weighs in with the resident BCP dykes, after the jump!

inchworm

Everybody hates a bisexual.

Alternately labeled as risky, fake, and selfish, bisexual women are the lowest rung in the gay ladder. I’ve always taken issue with the argument that bisexual women are either straight and just playing around or on their way to full on gay — there are plenty of women out there who are genuinely attracted to both sexes (BCW can attest to this). But, uh, I’d stay away from them.

I can’t help it! I have many bi friends, and I also don’t take my own advice — I’ve dated a few bi ladies in my time. But it’s still my advice, and here’s why:

Every bi woman I’ve ever known (this is not counting lesbians who identify as bi when they first come out) has ended up with a dude. Now, I don’t think this means they were straight or even ARE straight. Their attraction to women is alive, and maybe they aren’t even MORE attracted to men. But bottom line is, there are more straight men out there than gay women. I am not into dudes at all, and I hear y’all bitching about the number of quality of men out there. Yeah, lesbians are higher quality (;-)), but we are much, much fewer. It’s basic probability — if you can fall in love with men and women, you’re more likely to end up with a guy. Also, it’s easier to be with men in our society. I mean, you can legally marry them! And all those basic things like marriage and family are easier to picture in hetero form because we see that all the time.

So, what does this really boil down to? Not much. Like I said, I have dated bi women despite the fact that I regarded them as risky, perhaps because I was young and not so worried about risk taking, or, more likely, just because I liked them. You can’t argue with love and all that.

But all my bi and bi-curious pals? I won’t be setting you up with any of my lesbian friends, unless said friend is looking for hook ups only. I don’t want them to get hurt and I DEFINITELY don’t want to get shit a few months down the road for setting them up with some bi chick.

B4D

I’ve had some experiences with women who were bi. But guess what? I didn’t necessarily know they were bi until after the breakups. So, all of that time I spent inside my head wondering, “What’s wrong with her/me/us?” it became crystal clear after a while. It was her, not me.

You may be asking yourself, why would a lesbian get involved with a bi gal in the first place? The reason some lesbians get with bi girls is because hey, you’re young, wild, adventurous and the world is your oyster. Or at least that’s how I felt when I was younger. I wanted to sample the smorgasbord of women to see what I liked. You name it, gay, straight, single, married…and bi women were part of my experience.

In my experience, the trick with a bi woman is to not let your heart get involved, because they will always go back to a man. Is that a subconscious thing for bi women? That being with a man is a safe place? To be with a man who is a provider and better yet, provide a sense of so called ‘normalcy’, according to society? I have never – and maybe my experience is limited – met a woman who identified as bi who is now in a lifelong relationship with a woman. In fact, a woman I loved with all of my heart is now married to a man and has one child, with another on the way.

As I’ve grown older, my heart has grown more protective. If I met a bi gal who just wanted a physical thing, I might look into it. If I met a bi woman who wanted a relationship, I’d have to think long and hard about it. But then again, you don’t necessarily choose who you fall in love with, so maybe I’d take a chance with my heart open to the idea.

angiesyoungloverI’m not really sure of this “Craigslist Bisexual” thing. I have never heard of it prior. But the issue of bisexuals really gets under my skin, so I’ll talk about that. It’s not bisexuals on their own, but the bad rap that they get. The bottom line for me is if a person tells you their sexuality, then that’s it. You don’t need to corner them or question them or make them come up with some kind of explanation that seems valid enough to you.

I understand that females like Tila Tequila make people roll their eyes and say “uh huh, sure…” but it’s not really for anyone else to say. Yes, fucking Tila Tequila makes me want to vomit like a bad hangover, but what frustrates me about her is not her sexuality, but how she chooses to make money off of it in a cheesy, tacky way that furthers the bad name that bisexuals already have. And yes, that’s not really fair of me because, sa da tay, it’s her life, etc.

I also can’t stand when people say “make up your mind, it’s one or the other,” because things aren’t that easy. Some people are really sexually attracted to both sexes and it’s not as simple as “make up your mind.” I understand that some lesbians feel it’s a betrayal of sorts, for a bisexual women to end up with a man (or for males, the other way around), but aren’t we – the LGBTQI gang – the ones that are always having to defend ourselves to the masses of close-minded fuckfaces that don’t understand the complexity of sexuality? So, I feel that the open-mindedness should flow from within.

kadinsky
Bisexuals – much maligned by the Gays and misunderstood nearly all of the time by the Straights. And why is that? Well, Craigslist ads have a lot to do with it, along with virtually every other place where people post messages looking for random sex partners. But you know, I get it. I do. For the lesbians I understand the frustration of starting a relationship with a woman only to find out she was actually just ‘testing the waters’ or ‘trying something out’ or even worse, “it was just something I had to get out of my system”. Actually, that last one pisses me off more than anything. Why? Because it’s the main reason lesbians hate us and also the definitive way to know you are NOT bisexual. Nothing chaps my ass more than chicks who experiment with the lady lovin’ purely for the rush, or the attention or to be “wild” and then label themselves as bisexual. Being bi means you experience emotional and sexual attraction to both females and males, period. Being bi is not the same as being bi-curious, and I use that term loosely because I think it’s complete and utter bullshit. Have you ever heard of someone being gay-curious or straight-curious? No, because being bisexual is just like any other sexual orientation, you either Are or you Aren’t and if you Are then you know it. But that’s not to say that the journey to deciding that you are in fact bisexual is an easy one.

Just like everyone else, bisexuals struggle with their sexual identity at an early age. The old societal norm for a girl to date a boy is ever present, and (I’m happy to say) the newer societal norm of girls dating girls or boys dating boys is also present. But what if you find yourself, as a teen, interested in both sexes? I’ll skip all the identity angst and cut straight to the chase; where does a closeted bi go for support? Sure, the gay community has included us and the transsexuals in their huddle (see LGBT), but it’s actually the gay community that most often has the strongest dislike for bisexuals. Nearly every lesbian I know has had a run in with a girl who ended up causing distress by ‘not really being gay’, and the kicker is that if that bi-girl you wished you’d never met actually was gay she would have a whole community of gays to support her. But because lesbians are so often mistrustful of bi’s, the feeling is one of alienation and frustration, not inclusion. Bisexual men have it even worse, as they are most often viewed by heteros as “freaks”, “perverts” or nothing but a transmitter of HIV. And both bi-men and bi-women have to deal with the stigma that we should just “pick a side” or “grow out of this phase”.

Kinsey identified heterosexuals at 0 on his scale and homosexuals at the opposite end of the scale at 6. You’d think that bisexuals would be a 3, right? But no, everyone in between is classified as “bisexual”, allowing for vague metrics like “primary sexual attraction” and “some sexual attraction (to a particular gender)”. For this reason I think the Kinsey scale is bollocks, because regardless of how many relationships with lesbians or hetero men I may have in my lifetime, it doesn’t discount the fact that I am equally attracted to both genders. If someone is gay but lives as a hetero for many years before coming out, are they only considered gay from their coming out point? No, we would say he/she was a gay man/woman and not feel the need to qualify exactly how long they have been gay. I am not comfortable with assigning levels of bisexuality, and until someone shows me corresponding levels of hetero or homosexuality I do not accept Kinsey and his findings.

So, what’s it like to date as a bisexual? Well, it’s mostly woven with a lot of omission. And here is where I truly do sympathize with my lesbian sisters who have gotten involved with a woman who turned out not to be gay. She probably didn’t tell you up front that she was bi, or worse, she really wasn’t bi and was simply experimenting. If she later went on to get with a guy, you probably didn’t entertain the possibility that she COULD have been bi and instead wrote her off as an evil bitch who fucked with your feelings. But what’s the alternative? If she told you in the beginning that she was bi, I guarantee you she would have been holding her breath just waiting for you to curse her out or watching all the interest you had in her just fade from your face, instantly assigned to the discard pile, a no longer viable option and not worth pursuing.

We get rejected by lesbians because we don’t fit their ethics and most men view us as a mechanism for their own sexual gratification, completely ignoring all other aspects of the equation. Lesbians will reject the notion of dating a bisexual woman because we are seen as vacillaters who just can’t make up their minds and are bound to break your heart, when in fact there is every reason to pursue a relationship with a bi woman if you found yourself attracted to her qualities to begin with. Men almost never take us seriously, and once it sinks in that you really are equally attracted to your own gender as well as his, you are automatically labeled a cheater, a whore, a freak and a liar. Enter the Craigslist contingent.

In my “research”, I have found that the majority of CL ads involving bisexual anything may actually be posted by genuine bisexuals. My theory is that since dating can be so difficult (especially for a bi-woman looking to date a female), it’s easier to say, “Fuck it. I’ll date Roger in the mainstream and just get my sexual satisfaction wherever I can”. And in that respect, a CL ad for WSW sex (as distasteful as it is) is almost a guaranteed way to get laid without having to lie to some poor lesbian about where you see the relationship going. I imagine for bi-men, just keeping the whole thing on the down low is easier than trying to explain it to your girlfriend/wife and have her feel as though you’re just a latent homosexual who lied to her all this time. (Uh, but down low or not, SAFE SEX GODDAMMIT!) The practicality of using CL is of course, non existent. Other options include lifestyle parties but these are most often swingers parties and that whole scene is just icky, there are rules which do not suit everyone and there are usually more men expecting to get laid than one would care for. There are a select few ‘groups’ shall we say that host lifestyle parties with a decidedly higher admissions policy. At these events, no single men are allowed, many are restricted to members only and the emphasis is on the women’s sexual satisfaction. Being bisexual also does not automatically equal an ‘open relationship’, wherein either party is free to have sex outside the relationship. But being with a bi-person means you do need to have very honest, very upfront and very realistic discussions about sex. If you’re dating a bisexual, I don’t believe you should resign yourself to the fact that your partner will have sex with someone else whether you like it or know about it. Cheating is cheating, doesn’t matter who you slept with or what they had in their pants. But conversely, if you are bisexual and your partner is not, it doesn’t mean you have free reign to sleep with your own gender because that somehow doesn’t count. Again, cheating is cheating. Be honest, be receptive to discussing sexuality with your partner and remember what it is that attracted you to them in the first place instead of focusing on the bi label.

Now, go forth and love.

BAngieB

My general feeling about sexuality is that it’s fluid, you know – you love who you love. Women and men are so different in so many ways that it makes sense that one could be attracted to both. Although I can’t imagine such a thing, there is a small possibility that I might be with a man again one day. Actually, no, that’s crazy talk. Anyway, I know bisexual girls get a bad rap – and I totally understand why. So, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m gonna tell you why.

Here it is: Women who say they are “bi” are almost always (actually, “almost” is generous, because it my experience, it’s ALL) married to or in a relationship with a man, and seeing a woman on the side, or they casually date or have sexual relationships with women, but in the end they marry or have their long-term relationships with men. That being the case, their relationships with women are reduced to only sexual, rather than emotional AND sexual. It’s almost as though they want to have fun with girls, but when it’s time to grow up and have a family, it’s back to the men. For this very reason, most lesbians I know hesitate to date bisexual girls.

And that’s that. I don’t identify as bisexual and I’ve never dated anyone who did, so I don’t have any personal experience with it. Sure, I see men who I think are attractive, but I am not attracted to them sexually.

[Disclaimer: HOWEVER, I will totally kiss Jon Stewart or Gavin Rossdale.]

So, I say live and let live. Or love. Or whatever. I love my bisexual girl friends, I just don’t want a bisexual girlfriend.

kadinsky

Okay, I’m jumping back in here because the peen thing needs to be addressed.  I see the same issue being repeated, that being that bi-women always seem to end up with men – I’m just going to put this out here.

In my experience (and those of some friends), it’s a lot easier to ask your man if you could sleep with another woman, than it is to ask your woman if she’d let you sleep with a man.

xoxo

– k

*Contributed by SkinnyBoneJones, inchworm, Bowling4Dollars, AngiesYoungLover, kadinsky & BAngieB*
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